The best thing about life, Is knowing you put it together

"They look like big strong hands... don't they?"

Water rolls down the skin like tiny beads..
Eyes close so that they might see.
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This sun is a star in someone else's sky
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This moon is making someone cry...
Illum tangendo (touching him)

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"
Updated by, Captain PirateFace

The Captain

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This is not an Exit

Never Say Die!!!





























"the tigers have found me
and I do not care."

Charles Bukowski

there is no fear here

there is no fear here
there is a fear here

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My son the Anarchist.


so...

my boy got suspended from school yesterday...
the crime...
pulling the fire alarm.

oh boy.


I have a conference with his Principle today. All I know is that they better offer some pretty compelling truth. No, I am not one of those parent's that think's his child can do no wrong... He probably did. But to suspend him, an Autistic (High functioning but whatever right?) kid? They better have a picture/video/adult seeing him do it first hand for me to swallow the story. And if he did do it? Well... he's looking at a lengthy punishment...

i do not want that amazing little boy to turn out anything like me.

and i rarely got punished... not gonna happen with him.


despite all this... it's still pretty funny.

Love, The Captain

Friday, December 10, 2010

S-o-r-r-y

lot's to think about.








let me apologize now one last time for all the shitty thing's i may have done, i have done, may not have done...

I am sorry.








as i will not be doing it again.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

are you prepared for the atom bomb?



flowers push past bleached skeletal remains.
Bright red and bone white.








Good Evening....












my pen bleeds idiot phrases when i caress it's spine. Milking the words.

if you take my pulse i will have a heartbeat... just like you.
_





 Goodnight


goodnight true love
goodnight passing clouds
off to pout in some other town or city.
goodnight childhood memories and simplicities.
goodnight mom and dad,
maybe tomorrow i will be a better son.
goodnight early pre-dawn morning and all your haunting glory.
goodnight insane cats and dogs doing god knows what at 2 a.m.
goodnight to all the pretty girls i had the pleasure to kiss...
and the not-so-pretty ones too.
goodnight old friends who's last breath may be tonight..
goodnight my little boy...
who teaches me that no matter how hard the world can be...
with him i will always have love.
goodnight dramatic wanna be...
put the pen down and go to sleep...
goodnight.








Love, 

Captain PirateFace

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

life as an eeediot.

what a terrible night of pain and no sleep. And because I am tired and emotional from the lack of sleep and the horrible pain, there was a bit of womanly weeping last night. Missing people, hurting, feeling alone, hurting,  feeling like an absolute fucking loser. And I had my favorite dream ever! I had a dream I was kissing an holding my ex again... It was so real I was convinced that it was... only to be let down completely when I woke up. Like a fucking kick to the stomach.... followed by an embarrassing period of weeping. 

yep. 


I miss that girl so much...  

anyway....

My boss is kicking my ass into gear and is helping me see what I need to start school. He thinks for some reason or another I would be an awesome teacher... and the kids at my school agree. He told me I could get my BA in a year and a half. So, I actually am pretty jazzed about that. Wouldn't mind actually having a "career". Poetry tonight... no joke. I swear ;)

Thursday, December 02, 2010

oh my gosh (2.5 wink wink)

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there." -Patrick Bateman- "American Psycho"
wink wink Love, Zee Captain.

Have some Arcade Fire...

Here is just an absolute fraction of the awesomeness of Arcade Fire live!

These were from my trip to California last October...

































and here be a ---->link<---- to some pic's if yer interested!


Love,

Captain PirateFace

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

and the pooh ship set's sail!

I realized today, that it has been almost a year since I have kissed a woman... yep.

and... I probably got "Shingles"... good... fucking... times... indeed.


balls amigo's... pure balls.


Love,

Captain PirateFace

Thursday, November 04, 2010

happy-ness

would you like to swing on a star? carry moonbeams home in a jar? or be better off than you are? or would you rather be a.....

fish? mule? what could be better than being a stupid human?




and something semi-different begins.




and now... poetry.








if you can call it that ;)


float

the tension in this room
is being eaten up by your frown.
and if i could...
i would float to you
and we could drift away beyond everything...








a gal

she smiled at me from across the room.
i saw pity on her face.. in her smile...
in those hypnotizing eyes..
as her handsome boyfriend led her away....








we are

we flip the light's on.
walk outside.
exist a little.
die a little.
whatever...
right?
we turn out the light's.
dark concentration.
sweating...
humping...
fucking...
crying.

snoring.

holding one another.
sleeping all alone.
with love in our heart's.
hate and contempt and jealousy and
longing.
dying.
ageing.

living.

I hope I get it all...
real soon.
i need answer's.
and i am waiting with my mouth wide open
for the rain.
will i drown or finally quench a long lasting thirst?

stay tuned
only time will tell.

"Time is on my side.." right?
right?
?





Lover

I wan't to write her poetry!
Whoever she may be...
I wan't to make her amazing mix cd's that bring a smile
to her lip's and tears to her eye's...
Whatever her name may be...
I love you!
I can't wait to fall for you.
and for you
to love me too...
for a little while at least.









10-31-10

My ghost's got out for a minuet there...
got me all spooked and panicked.
Brought real tears of fear to my eyes.
And I felt cold death whisper sweet nothing's into my ear...
I turn zombie and drift away...
Only a few scene's shy of becoming the latest victim,
in a cheap ass Grindhouse slasher flick.

Halloween used to be a fun holiday...
now it's just another lonely night.
BOO!
Boo hoo hoo hoo.....




Open sez ah me.

"Open Up!!"
said:
The Gynecologist?
The Dentist?
The Car Jacker?
Choose your own adventure!




























































c ya later



Captain PirateFace

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

i think i need to calm down.












i just spent 10 min at work with the door closed staring at the monitor...


















the word: "Pathetic" comes to mind. See also; "Whiner", "Coward", etc...


whatever

Drowning

      Well... hello there! just dropping by? Wish i was....
So. Today is October 26th 2010... and if Gina would not have left me i would be celebrating my 8th wedding anniversary. i have to be honest and say i don't really know how i feel about it. sad... that my son has a broken family. sad... that i couldn't keep my marriage together. sad.
also... i know that she is better off without me in her life. so kinda happy. 

i guess it's just a day to mark my failing as a husband. a day to remember that "every" woman i have truly loved has left me. sad.


    This... in a nutshell... is my life.....


    As the warm afternoon fades to freezing night.





i am still here.



without any of you...



Love.... Captain PirateFace


Sunday, October 24, 2010

My son the sun!

My boy is amazing. Never a dreary thought or disposition around my little guy. Just impossible. I look at him and know "giving up" can never be an option. I might be a mopey bitch but deep down inside and for most people I hide an optimism that usually stay's internal. I love everybody... and hate them half the time as well. ;)
I miss him already having gone back to his momma's... chokes me up to think about him, but it's always "happy tears". I have the best little boy on the planet... and I know a grip of you do too.




Goodnight.




John A.k.A. Captain PirateFace
Repeat misery.

Friday, October 22, 2010

yap

My ma's home made soup is the shit yo... and I just finished the last of it... a win.... and a loss.


love you!




more later ya bastard sharks ye!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

a little tiny bit of fun is a-o.k.!

Going to see "Jackass 3D" today... don't judge me. I think it's funny stuff yo.










I hope today is good for everyone out in this big big world who need's a good day.






Adieu, Captain PirateFace 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hell Hounds and love, love, love..... stupid.

 ‎"there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired mutilated either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other one on one. the rich are not good to the rich the poor are not good to the poor. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be big-ass winners. it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides. or the terror of one person aching in one place alone untouched unspoken to watering a plant." — Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems, 1974-1977)

over the rainbow......

well... I guess I just never really "got" the human race. I though I had a handle... that people are good deep down inside. I still "wish" that to be true but I think (like myself) most people find a comfort in being sad, pissed, frustrated, etc.. And if there is truly no tension in the negative at all... well, all us un-hinged mother fucker's just seem to go a little bit nutty.


to quote Pink Floyd:


"Crazy... Toy's in the attic I am crazy... truly gone fishing... They must have taken my marbles away."








that's all for tonight you dirt fucking rat's!




Love.






Captain PirateFace

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I would adore more reader's. would whomever the hell you are please spread the word.

and just when I thought it was safe to get back in the water, the fucking shark eat's me...

so, woke up today feeling like a big shitty clown.
a not-so-funny-mostly-sad-clown.

Don't you just love how certain smell's, place's, sound's and thing's all trigger memories? And you have no control of what or how it is triggered. So every time that happen's to me I get either pissy, sad or hyper? makes sense right? and lucky me... today it is "Whiny Bitch Day" or as I like to call it "WBD DAY". Who is this whiny bitch? I, of course!

But it's cool.

I know it's a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I know medication would help.







fuck pills.





I can just ride the Captain's dark ocean waves until the end of time. I would rather be a shitty me then a pretend happy facsimile. So yeah... Fuck Pills.

Hey if they work for you and they provide some kind of semblance of normalcy... right on.

for me...

fuck those pills.








I just keep thinking if I wasn't so damn unbearably lonely I wouldn't feel so fucking horrible all the time. And since the rest of the world need's me "together" I get to smile all day externally acting like a happy asshole... Meanwhile I carry all this nasty emotional baggage right in the gut's... the gutty work's as it is.

then there are the moment's I just sit and fucking cry...

and those moment's come more often than I would like.






Christ. I can't even bribe people to hang out with me..

Then again I am Captain PirateFace, the name fit's, the disposition fit's.
Crabby emo pirate captain delivering sub-par poetry on the waves of the internet...

well... fuck you too ;)





Godbless,

rot and love and passion and remorse...


Captain PirateFace.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010


I can't stand Las Vegas... I truly hate this piece of shit town....

anyhow, Had a truly amazing time in Cali. with my family. They are way to kind to this nasty old pirate for sure... They are amazing people and deserve the very best. On Saturday we headed down to Santa Cruz and enjoyed a day at the beach and the shop's of Downtown Santa Cruz. I absolutely love Santa Cruz, and if I ever get to escape Las Vegas... that is where I would like to go. I would be a freak amongst freaks and somehow that is a very comforting feeling. Sunday we headed down to Berkeley and walked around checking out the shop's. We had an awesome dinner at "Nan and Curry". Later that night for the first time (and hopefully not the last) I got to enjoy Arcade Fire at the Greek theater... I am not bullshitting here... simply amazing... best show I have "ever" (sorry NIN) seen. Hands down.Here is a link to my Facebook if you would like to see the pic's as there are just too many to post here and I am lazy. Just click the link and friend request me.
-------> LINK OF DOOM (to pic's) <---------

here is a link to one of the best (one of many) moment's of the show.

Sunday, I enjoyed a pretty quiet day walking around and soaking in San Francisco, my cousin meeting me and hanging out with me till it was time for me to fly home.

Then... the sad flight back to Desert Prison Hell.

which bring's us here...

back to boredom.

Naw, just yanking your chain. I am going to see The Vandal's at the end of the month and hopefully we (Gabriel and I) will be seeing The Aquabat's, Reel Big Fish and Goldfinger.

other then that, the day's go by and are mostly sad and boring. Once in a while thing's are not so glum but hell if you read this blog, by now you have realized that even when I am happy I am still a whiny prick. Yeah I still miss my ex-girlfriend, yeah I am super lonely these day's but I am alive right? I will eventually find someone to love me and put up with my shit ;)


Love Captain PirateFace.

________________________________________________________________________________________


one last jump in the ocean.

i didn't want to drown.
i didn't want to be out here
all alone
again.
The dark rising water will overtake me.

but i am breathing.

my heart beats buried within my chest.
faint.

but i am living.

My strength and grief will become an island.
Where my rainstorm's will be solitary...
but with a comfort that i can still at least enjoy the rain.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
















i guess you deserve the right to be rid of me.
and i have the right to one day try and love again...
and still miss you once in a while.







Thursday, September 30, 2010

Woah!


Vampire Weekend rocked the hell out of Gabriel and I's sock's...

It was simply... "amazing"....









Hope they come back to Vegas real soon.

Gabriel danced through every song.


By the way...
My kid is badass ;)





Only two day's till I fly to California, see my beautiful cousin's and finally... FINALLY!!! get to see Arcade Fire! phew... Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire within a week? I may just die!


Gonna Have a beautiful awesome day.

I hope the very best for you all as well.

Love,

Captain PirateFace

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

VAMPIRE WEEKEND!!!

Gabriel and I...

rocking the eff out...

at Vampire Weekend...

TONIGHT!!!

Zee Captain is super Jazzed!!!!

weeeee!!!!!


Tell ya all about it later.



peace out

Captain PirateFace

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

good stuff

Going to spend the afternoon getting my shit ready for Arcade Fire next weekend at Berkly. So happy and excited... Any of my "reader's" live in the Fremont/San Jose/Santa Cruz/San Francisco or Berkly area? heh... reader's..... hehehehe...

So.


Believe it or not I have been starting to write again. Dry spell (I get them often don't I?) should be done soon... my hate for the summer and love of fall and winter should get the creative juices going... that and I am still alone... without companionship as they say... eh... whatever.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

arg

for a pirate i am too damn nice..
everybody's got a water buffalo
mine is fast
and yours is slow!

and the drum beats on and on and on and on....


phew....


anyhow...


Been in a pretty decent mood last few couple of days...

Do cat's and Dog's communicate with one another?

hold on a sec...

gonna go "google"

........................................

No definitive answer.... weird right?


But, it's been nice feeling good....


More writing with maybe an actual shitty poem tagging along..


Love,

Captain PirateFace

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Thursday, September 09, 2010

why lie.

i still miss her every day.








if i could forget, i would.











i don't think even i, deserve to hurt this much.
..
.
.











.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

free for you my pals. :)

<-----CLICK
ON MY FAT HEAD FOR THE SONG.
Joey Cape's "Making Friends", my all time favorite Lagwagon and Joey Cape song


Saturday, September 04, 2010

and the drum beats on and on and on and on.....

i am celebrating a year of sobriety by going to California to see my beautiful cousins and, see one of my all time favorite band Arcade Fire! At the Greek theater at Berkly.

that is all

cap'n

Thursday, September 02, 2010

well. my dad just told me what he thinks of me, not really holding back.
he did it in a way that wasn't yelling... more like an annoyance....
like a boil or a wart or a scab.
guess i am scab.
fuck.
and i was so fucking happy.

serves me right eh?


fuck you all too

Monday, August 23, 2010

i spoke to her last night








she doesn't love me anynmore

and never will again.

Friday, August 20, 2010

desire and nothing.

so, as of late...

I have been hiding indoors getting fat for the upcoming winter, as large animals do.
can't hike, it's to fucking hot out in Vegas to hike in the summer. Thank God I go back to work within the next week or so. Can't wait to be bus doing "something". And having more $ will be nice.
Have had yet another case of writers block. Little stuff is getting written but nothing "Juicy". Gotta calm down my brain first I guess. Work will kinda do that for me. Gabriel's birthday was awesome. He is a spoiled little man for sure... but deserves it completely. more later i guess...

love

captain

pirate

face

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Rewind.

One of my best friends is no longer a best friend... but he is still a friend of mine. i should have dropped him but either loyalty or stupidity keep me around. This friend shall remain nameless as of now. Here is a few of the drunk and nasty text's i got from this friend written as they were recieved:

"Your son will kill himself once he get to see how daddy really is."

"Hahaha your kids dumb"

"Your sons a retarted and its your falt mines not cause i am a man."

"My son will go on to have a family yous not so much."


That was about a week and a half ago. Good times right? What was sent didn't upset me. It was that my "friend" could go so low is what upset me. You can't hurt me by talking shit on my son. I know my son is amazing in every way, you cannot make me think poorly of my little boy.
_______________________________________________________________

I am currently listening to the brand spankin' new Arcade Fire album "The Suburb's". It i next level amazing and truly beautiful. My favorite track you ask? All of them...
but, I would be lying to say that I wasn't partial to "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" and "Rococo". And listening too "Half Light II (No Celebration)" just made me love that track as well.

___________________________________________________________________
_
So, not gonna lie. Lonely as hell these days. When I am not with Gabriel I just feel empty... I guess because I love being with the boy and because when I am not with him I have all the time in the world to think about how I have no girlfriend, car, place of my own,etc.. I have been going out and seeing great show's with awesome music (Monday night was Dusty Rhodes & The River Band , The Steelwells and Coastwest Unrest. I purchased cd's from all three bands.) but still have "zero" ability to talk to the female of the species. And when I do... Holy Hell... I start stammering and then say stupid idiot shit my brain spit's out without filtering first. Shitty that there ain't no "Delete, Backspace and Spell check" in the really real world right? And let me tell you kind folk's, the ladies are not lining up to talk to your "Shrek-Like" blogger here. Still having former lover withdraw's, I am sure they will pass... if I ever get another girl to even look at me. I still do miss "her" every day, every couple of hours, whatever. Love is by far the worse addiction I have ever had. I crave it like a lunatic. I am so afraid of being alone... "alone forever" is a terrifying notion to me. Maybe one day I will be kinda really happy. I am Still drug free, I even go to these bar show's and drink a cup or glass of ice water from the bar, even though it's free I still feel I should tip a buck. I cry allot lately, by myself. There is really not a living soul I can talk to. My friends don't understand, and they lie to try and not hurt my feelings and that's cool. But mostly they just don't give a shit. I wish my friends cared like I do, all four of em. And no girl wait's for my call. No friend, no girl no girlfriend. Oh and my "Ex-Ex" hates me most of the time... I deserve it, I guess... Although she still claims her hate is from my past fuck-up's and that the better person I am now should just "eat crow" and shut the fuck up. Guess what folk's? I still care about her. All I ever hope for her is the best. I just wan't her to be happy. That's all. And she will "never" stop hating me.

boo hoo right?

On the good new's front. My son's birthday is coming up and at the end of month I will be back at work and, Gabriel and I will be seeing Vampire Weekend live. Such a good end of a shitty lonely ass summer.
(summer 2010 = BALLS)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

So...





I left my heart in aokigahara forest


the wind in the tree's
a whisper in the silence
it nearly deafen's.
she rarely smiled.
and she wasn't smiling
when she said
goodbye.












Sin City Blues.

I know what the invisible man "feel's" like.
You may be able to see through his heart...
but it's there.
Beating alive.
Aching and ageing.
I am the center of the room and everybody walks by me.
I am not there.

I am on the Freemont Street Experience getting sweaty and ready to
pound a raving lunatic into the cement if he tries to attack me.
and he didn't so,
I didn't.

I am the fat fuck drinking free ice water from the Bar with less than Twenty bucks in my pocket.
I am the nicest guy you will "never" meet.
You were too pretty for me anyhow.
and probably too picky.

I am the cave troll.
Hiding away and grinding bones to dust.
Chasing little skinny pant's Jack, down that friggin' beanstalk
again and again.






The silliest zombie on earth.

You say brain's?
He say's he want's and craves "hugs".
But you try to get the living to hug you if your un-dead...
well, it's not a walk in the park if you ask him.
He made a shirt that said "Free Hugs!"
but people just thought he was trying to be sneaky.
He wasn't...
He just wanted to hug somebody.
Which brings me to the question...
would you hug a zombie?






end of part 1.



love captain pirateface






____________________________________________________________________


Friday, July 16, 2010

ouch.

just when you think you are over a person a memory comes flooding in making your heart break ever so slightly all over again. being lonely is just... hard.

i guess it doesn't really help that i feel extra fucking pathetic by having my car repossessed and losing my apartment.

whatever

Thursday, July 08, 2010

maggoty maggots

I had a dream I got in the shower and I found that maggot's were eating all my body hair.. now if this really was happening I would go ape shit. But in the dream I was trying to rational why it was o.k. that it was happening. And I was surrounded by a load of drunks trying to score with one another. what a stupid, weird dream.

better then ex-girlfriend dreams eh?

so...

if the good lord permit's...


how about a poem or two tonight? eh?


oh... and...

my heart is beating strong and the world is my playground so...


fuck you depression! you get my late nights and lonely moments... (hopefully) nothing else.


love

captain pirateface

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

a new hope

fuck being sad all the time. "I" have a new game plan to melt fucking faces and banish people straight to fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More info soon ;)

Monday, June 14, 2010

my cat.. The Captain




fuck.

i am so damn sad right now it hurts. like my stupid heart is dying.





my own damn fault.

here. i. am/was......


hello. i will be leaving vegas this upcoming friday and will not return until the 4th of july.
for those of you who give a shit.







i know i bitch quite openly, honestly and frequently... but i do want to say that even though things are rough i still have my beautiful son, Gabriel. And, i am still sober... no booze and no pain meds or muscle relaxers. i may be a broken hearted fuck up but at least i am trying to make some semblance of a normal life. as the Goonies would scream out into the night... "NEVER SAY DIE!!!" and that's how i plan to survive. maybe i will stick around just to piss people off eh?


i found that when you fall in love with somebody you tend to bring them places that mean a lot to you or places you frequent. now all those great places you "used" to love just brings on painful memories. I was swimming in the colorado river with two buddies out at nelson, nevada and all i could think about was her, her there with me before but mostly i thought about us playing in the tidepools together in san diego... also a place that hurts to think about.

it just sucks. a huge part of me would willingly sign up to have memories erased... all so i could go one damn day without hurting over her or crying over her. blah. like when i was walking in a park in seven hills with my son and a friend and suddenly realized i was staring at the bench her and i had our first date, and how she made me sing "shadow of the day" in her car. i know that there were plenty of bad times.. most my fault. but when you miss someone and feel broken hearted it's easy to think of the good times. hell... i can't bring myself to even get rid of her pictures... stupid bastard that i am...
there was a picture here i shouldn't have posted and i am sorry i did that.
nobody got angry with me, i just figured it might be slightly wrong.
(the way things used to be)


"Love"

a thought by captain pirateface

i never took love lightly. before i even understood it, i knew it was an amazing and powerful thing and wanted in on the secret... the secret i now wish i could forget. i believed in the dramatic kisses and faces wet with happy tears in all my favorite movies. even though i knew they were actor's and actresses i believed in the emotion's they convexed... their tears, embrace, passion and the only perfect love a Hollywood film could fake.
i couldn't wait.
now, i have been there several times. it has always ended up with me still in love and alone. i have held, kissed and loved these women in full belief that they were the last one i would ever share these things with again... i never thought of a real end.
i always fell in love for the long haul... forever. i believed in it so strongly i got hurt and left over and over again.
now here i am, yet again...
alone and in love.

nobody ever told me how to turn love off.

i wish they had.






__________________
your head is an open book, and it's loud and annoying.

will we meet in the clouds?
like high flying angels?
when i tell you "i love you" will you look deep into my eyes to look for a hint of a lie?
you should.
i breath in life and exhale, smelling rain mixed in lovingly with sin city desert.
i hope i never give up.
even though i know how fun and easy it is.























love, Captain PirateFace

p.s. life is fucking balls.


p.p.s.
NEVER SAY DIE!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

sick

you have to be an idiot to keep torturing yourself like this...

saw a picture of an ex today posted in May of this year, of said ex passed out with a bottle of alcohol...
this picture does not make me angry. or mad.
it makes me so fucking sad my stomach hurts right now.

and again...
i did this to myself.


you can't help who you miss. or love.
whatever.


She was so beautiful and pure, even after the mess our lives had become...
i hope she hasn't turned into that girl she so desperately despised...
i wish i could just stop thinking about her, it's so fucking painful. and not in a "tortured artist" sense of the word. it truly hurts my heart to think about her. if i write more... i can't even try to write about her more tonight. it's as if there is a black hole in my heart, that sucks the very life and love from me. fuck fuck fuck... this sucks. 5 months since she left and it still feels like yesterday. fuck... at least i am still sober... right? whatever.




The long summer has started..
























Going to Buffalo with my dad for 16 days... maybe i will find peace thousands of miles away from this shit shitty sin city.



My apartment is gone. My cat is about to be gone. It all just kinda fucking sucks now don't it?

fuck.








____________________________________________________________________
new writing soon-ish for those that actually give a flying fuck.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

hey... nice emptiness!

so whatchya think.




























had a dream about an ex-girlfriend the other day... I dreamed that she had her arms wrapped around me and was holding me in bed. She held on to me and told me she didn't regret the decision to leave me and that she did not love me anymore... she smiled and held me even tighter.


i woke up sobbing.

and couldn't get under control for a few hours....



and that's all for now.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

oh no

sad

one of the saddest things i have ever seen
has to be the McDonalds Resteraunt
inside a Wal-Mart Super Center.
Dead wally world employee's...
chomping away on McFattyBurgers and
grease soaked fries.
White trash eating white trash...food.
i order 3 cookies for 99 cents!!!










left standing

she asked me...
"a little sunshine in your rain?"
and i fell in love...
in love with a made up girl.
a girl who cannot exist.
she say's these cute little things everytime i daydream
us a moment away from reality.
here...
she is perfect
and loves me.

and never leaves me.

then reality dissipates my fleeting bit of make believe.
and i am left standing alone.
alone with love and aching for a girl that will never exist...
a girl that truly loves me.









POET SPEAKS TO YOU!!! THE READER!!! jazzed yet?

i used to breath fire!!!
at least i like to pretend i did.
i have always been this big, klutzy pussy cat.
The guy the gals could go to with their fella problems...
except not gay.
though... with the lack of ladies in my life who wouldn't think it
at least once... right?
listen, i love the ladies...
i do.
it's just that the above mentioned "ladies" don't have any love for me.
well, i gotta go pick up decoration's for my "Pity Party"..
i might as well even get the "Wah Wahs!!" to play...
who knows?

right?



Captain PirateFace





still chasing the "one's" that got away...

well... hello there stupid.

The better part of the morning was spent crying.
yes... i said crying.
been having a rough week...
rough as far as missing someone who could care if i was alive or dead.

missing her every damn day and anytime "anything" reminds me of her.
she doesn't even think about me... and it makes me sad.
i want all these poor women who have loved me to be happy once they have gone and broke my fucking heart... i really do...

now i just don't know what to do.

with me.

i have done all that was told of me to do...
clean up, bust ass at work, be a good dad, be a good friend...
everyone told me, you do these things and life rewards you.



i call bullshit.



i have been, and am doing all these things and it certainly seems to be constantly raining shit.
the girl i fell in love with left me. again. and again... i loved each one and each one left.
yes ladies... i am single! sign up here and please try to maintain a line... i know there are a slew of you (sarcasm for those of you going... huh?). girls don't want me. i am the interesting and caring "John your so great and i wish my asshole boyfriend was more like you" friend. and that is all i ever am, the sympathetic and interesting (i.e. "weird") friend you keep around so you have stories to tell later that day.

i know i do this to myself... but tell me how to turn off the caring and love and need for a person you practically breathed in for 2 1/2 years and i will gladly comply...




nobody should have to feel this sad and hurt.

nobody should have to feel this way....

even a mundane pirate such as myself.






love,

captain pirateface

Friday, May 21, 2010

i just want to be alone today

just past the surf... the sea creature drags me down slowly to my death...

well then...





hello.

how are you fine people i pretend to talk to when i update my blog?
fine.

good.

i guess it's time to proceed.



____________________________________________________________________

Oh Baleen!

My sea Goddess!!!
My Enchanting mermaid!!
I want to crash around in the ocean surf with you.
I want to dine in fine krill restaurants.
We will go buffet and you can chow down as much as you like!
May the tides push us together forever...

* Baleen Whales can eat up to four tons of small fish and krill in one day


she haunts me while i cease to be

every where i go
even when i retreat into the darkness of closed eyelids,
she is there.
every time i drop my guard...
her face comes to mind...
and i hate it.
i hate the taunting beauty i miss so terribly.
it's time i said goodbye and meant it...
i am ready.
if you would just kindly remove your hand from my heart.
is it love or torture or both?
who fucking knows....
right?











My sun implodes leaving this galaxy vacant and dead.

Dramatic Title:
Check
Black, runny, dramatic ink:
Check
Soundtrack of misery choice for the evening, Portishead:
Check
"It was gonna be God Damn beautiful"
he thought.




He wrote Hallmark Cards.

Knuckle fucking a stranger as a means to say...
"Hello Sweetheart!"







Hey silly poet, here's a band-aid for that bum ticker... alright scooter?

i drive everyone i love away.
i wish i was normal.
i wish i wasn't a loser.
i wish i hadn't fucked up half my life.
my world is falling apart...
and i am trying so damn hard.
i am holding on.
but do not know if i can much longer.
struggle kills hearts and souls.
i want to love and be loved.
oh dear god i am going to die alone...
but not without a damn fight.







the captain's defeat... and rebirth.

i am walking around again.
the living dead.
i am the walking wounded,
battle scars exposed to the world.
making the normals wince.
i stare out to sea
looking past dark waves
slowly making way up the shore
like black ink exploding into bone white foam.
the waves gentle lull, a peaceful whisper in rhythm with my heart.
i watch for my ship.
i watch in restlessness, eyes wide open nearly unblinking.
i watch for the ship that sank long ago in sight of land,
to ferry my tired soul to calm, dark, peaceful places.
i finally close my eyes and collapse
and dream...
dream...
dream.















it's always about you John...

i hear the faint sound of Halloween songs in my head.
i stare at old photo's, working up old memory tears.
i sing my own lyrics to the compositions of Beethoven and Chopin,
butchering their beauty with my broken hearted verses.
i hold my own hand because nobody else wants the job.
i write juvenile poetry in blue composition books filled with
my certifiable chicken scratch.
i see beauty in love in everyone and everything...
even though i am constantly let down.
i live in a desert and crave the ocean so bad i could scream.
i will become rainclouds and add pure drama to your dreary day.

i love more than i will ever get to be loved in my lifetime.
we all fail a little bit...
i guess.

Oh Love, give me just one more chance..
i wont fail you again...
(fingers crossed)






_-_-_-___----_________-------__-_--_________----________
not much to say. feeling pretty lonely these days... more so than usual.
i miss tania.











see you later.

Captain PirateFace

p.s.s.s.s.s.s.sssssssssssssssssss555555











Some of these may have made it into a previous post. If any did... sorry... Effin' Sue Me Aight!?!?!

How can you save me when you can't save yourself?

"nothing can save
you
except
writing.
it keeps the walls
from
failing."

Charles Bukowski