here. i. am/was......

hello. i will be leaving vegas this upcoming friday and will not return until the 4th of july.
for those of you who give a shit.







i know i bitch quite openly, honestly and frequently... but i do want to say that even though things are rough i still have my beautiful son, Gabriel. And, i am still sober... no booze and no pain meds or muscle relaxers. i may be a broken hearted fuck up but at least i am trying to make some semblance of a normal life. as the Goonies would scream out into the night... "NEVER SAY DIE!!!" and that's how i plan to survive. maybe i will stick around just to piss people off eh?


i found that when you fall in love with somebody you tend to bring them places that mean a lot to you or places you frequent. now all those great places you "used" to love just brings on painful memories. I was swimming in the colorado river with two buddies out at nelson, nevada and all i could think about was her, her there with me before but mostly i thought about us playing in the tidepools together in san diego... also a place that hurts to think about.

it just sucks. a huge part of me would willingly sign up to have memories erased... all so i could go one damn day without hurting over her or crying over her. blah. like when i was walking in a park in seven hills with my son and a friend and suddenly realized i was staring at the bench her and i had our first date, and how she made me sing "shadow of the day" in her car. i know that there were plenty of bad times.. most my fault. but when you miss someone and feel broken hearted it's easy to think of the good times. hell... i can't bring myself to even get rid of her pictures... stupid bastard that i am...
there was a picture here i shouldn't have posted and i am sorry i did that.
nobody got angry with me, i just figured it might be slightly wrong.

(the way things used to be)

"Love"

a thought by captain pirateface

i never took love lightly. before i even understood it, i knew it was an amazing and powerful thing and wanted in on the secret... the secret i now wish i could forget. i believed in the dramatic kisses and faces wet with happy tears in all my favorite movies. even though i knew they were actor's and actresses i believed in the emotion's they convexed... their tears, embrace, passion and the only perfect love a Hollywood film could fake.

i couldn't wait.
now, i have been there several times. it has always ended up with me still in love and alone. i have held, kissed and loved these women in full belief that they were the last one i would ever share these things with again... i never thought of a real end.
i always fell in love for the long haul... forever. i believed in it so strongly i got hurt and left over and over again.
now here i am, yet again...
alone and in love.

nobody ever told me how to turn love off.

i wish they had.






__________________
your head is an open book, and it's loud and annoying.

will we meet in the clouds?
like high flying angels?
when i tell you "i love you" will you look deep into my eyes to look for a hint of a lie?
you should.
i breath in life and exhale, smelling rain mixed in lovingly with sin city desert.
i hope i never give up.
even though i know how fun and easy it is.























love, Captain PirateFace

p.s. life is fucking balls.


p.p.s. NEVER SAY DIE!