Monday, May 07, 2007
to tell the truth?
Last night I had the most lucid dream. I was floating/falling down through the middle of a circular rusted and poorly put together scaffolding. As I was descending I could see hanging onto the scaffolding different strange creatures and humanoids. The creatures looked like something out of a Dr. Seuss book and the humanoids looked dirty and overly happy, like euphoric castaways from “Mad Max beyond Thunder Dome”. As I was descending they kept telling me to look deeper. And somehow I knew I was looking for my inner self. They began screaming to look even deeper laughing while doing so. At that moment my alarm clock woke me up (4:30am) and I turned it off drifting back to sleep. I picked up immediately in my dream right where I left off. I looked down and as I continued descending it began to get darker. Look deeper they all screamed at me. I told them I couldn’t because I had to wake up and get ready for work. But I continued to descend. As I did I felt that I was drawing closer to my inner self and felt terror and just before taking a look at what was waiting for me at the bottom I made myself wake up.
Today my body feels heavy and awkward. Like having difficulty walking and just feeling listless. My soul must be getting heavier.
I walked into the shower, turned on the water and looked into my shower mirror. The person I saw I did not recognize. Who was this sad eyed person. Unshaven, sad, dark circled eyes… fat neck. Hair partially died black hanging down over the face. This is not the person I remember being. I remember being youthful and full of life and no matter what the world threw at me and no matter how down I got I always promised I would succeed. This person in front of me is lost. A loser. What have I become? Who is this horrible person? I turned the water hotter and the steam began to erase the image I saw leaving a hazy outline… And for that I was thankful.
_______________________________________________________ and now... time for some baaaad poetry (gotta warn you kiddo's tonight's ramblings are pretty damn strange.. even to the old Captain here).
Now we watch carefully
Late at night a rock wall and small pond are illuminated by the moon. The water cascades down the rocks into the small dark water pond. The smell of damp grass and tree's overtakes me. The lies rot and fall off my skin and I am new again. The weight is gone and I have become almost... Handsome. Diving into the dark water I feel the hands of lost love embrace me. Dragging me down into the darkness. As the air burst from my lungs. Couldn't hold on to it for too long.
("Girls" by Gina: www.myspace.com/artbygina)
I have seen the pale horse
I have trained for battle with the wickedest of women.
I have suffered stigmatic and wept.
I have embraced seven deadly sins and broke through the surface.
I am not a dog that can be put down.
I will grin and bare my teeth for the world to see I have eaten bloody and well.
I have seen the pale horse, and death was upon him.
The thick air
Tonight I lay flat on my back looking up at the stars in a vague attempt to see God.
I see nothing but darkness, littered with glistening jewels that once in a while seem to plummet into nothingness.
Tonight I lay flat on my back wishing there was a way I could take all the hurt back.
Take all the infliction and suffering and shove it into a big black hole of nothingness.
Tonight I lay flat on my back and stare at the girl grinding naked on top of me, not really being interested in all her carrying about and yelling. Thinking that I want nothing more than just one more un-interrupted minuet with you. I look at her and close my eyes focusing on the vast nothingness and pray she doesn't see the tear that is trailing down the side of my face.
To see this beast as it really is
A broken mirror and the scent of heartache hanging heavy in the air.
The night hangs dark and heavy like a umbilical to it's noose.
The panic has spread and the ladies are in deep denial.
But we promise you this...
We will not rest until your soul is properly raped and reused and photocopied for the world to laugh collectively at you.
Not too bad for a night?
As if you have ever had better.
see ya later said the Captain.
How can you save me when you can't save yourself?
"nothing can save
it keeps the walls
— Charles Bukowski
it keeps the walls
— Charles Bukowski