The best thing about life, Is knowing you put it together

"They look like big strong hands... don't they?"

Water rolls down the skin like tiny beads..
Eyes close so that they might see.
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This sun is a star in someone else's sky
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This moon is making someone cry...
Illum tangendo (touching him)

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"
Updated by, Captain PirateFace

The Captain


This is not an Exit

Never Say Die!!!

"the tigers have found me
and I do not care."

Charles Bukowski

there is no fear here

there is no fear here
there is a fear here

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I've been downhearted baby.

(Surprise!) I am in a funk.
This Friday really broke me up. I feel that no matter how hard I try I just cant get these kids to see the light. Not in a religious sense but in a way that has them using common sense and apathy, passion and tenderness. And not be so rushed to grow up and face this Damn difficult world. I now know what those countless adults must have felt like, pulling out their hair trying to save me. It's hard to deal with. It's like... I reach them for just a moment and almost have them... and then... they stray. I wonder about all the kids who used to be in my old Rec Program at Paradise. I hope they are OK and doing well, but I am sure if I truly knew, my fears would just be validated. I look at my son and I just want him to be a kid. I used to play with action figures.. I remember the day I stopped, It was in Fifth Grade. I was in "Safe Key" after school and I brought some action figures to show the kids I went to safe key with. I got immediately made fun of, in fact the focal part of the remainder of that afternoon was to make fun of me. Calling me a baby. I wish I could go back in time and grab me and say, "Hey, you enjoy those toys as long as you can. It's OK to be a kid." The next day I put all my action figures away and they still remain (some of them at least) in a big box over at my mom's house. The next few month's I staved off boredom by playing video games and going out into the neighborhood meeting the older kids, picking up bad habits, learning life lessons from older kids who were just as clueless and confused as me. I would have been better off learning those lessons myself in the epic battles and human bonding I created through the playing of my action figures. Those month's after became the decline of my childhood and did not stop until I started my first drug and took my first drink. My childhood was gone... I was still a child. It's just too damn bad really. And it is so much harder for kids now. I work in a middle school and Rec center, these kids are dealing with sex, drugs, weapons, abuse, neglect, peer pressure, violence and confusion on a daily basis. Trust me! I am not making this bigger then it truly is... The kids from my school are Lower middle class to upper middle class... average housholds and they are plagued by the things I have listed off. I search kids and find knives and drugs. I read notes I find on the ground and they talk about about hoping they aren't pregnant and house party's and getting high and abusive parents. It's like working in a nightmare sometimes. And most of the adults I work with have given up. They are hopeless and listless and all these kids are to them is a God Damn paycheck! I stop fights where these kids are beating each other like adult cage fighters. They are out for blood because that is what they think they are supposed to do. Imagine now... these are supposed to be average kids. Imagine high risk neighborhoods with at risk youth. High gang presence. Prostitution. High drug trafficking area's. Now imagine the school's in those area's... I hate to be the bringer of bad news folks... it gets a hell of a lot worse. I just wish I knew the answer. If I had it, my life's mission would be to project that answer on the world. But in life, as we know, there are roadblocks. These roadblocks are, but not limited to, The parents (being the biggest of all.) The teachers (those that have given up and don't care about the students or the subject matter anymore) The Hero's (Where have they gone? Corrupt police? Pedophile Priests? Drunk abusive Dad and Slut Mom??? Where the hell are they). And then again, some of these kids are now enjoying a corrupt life, and no matter what you do. They will not change until they have that singular moment when they just... wake up. Some won't, and it breaks my heart to even try and even guess where that will lead them... most likely jail or death. I really want to give up some times. But even though I get disheartened and down, I am just to stupid to give up on these kids. I know they will break my heart every time, but if I don't try... how do I know they will ever meet anyone again in their life that will?

So yeah, I am sad and depression has it's hooks in me but, We will see... Maybe it will pass maybe not. I am sure you will see by my next post.

P.S. I want you to look at this kid and tell me, honestly... With all your heart... Don't you want the best for him and all his little kind... I know I sure as hell do.

Captain PirateFace


Just one poem this morning, kinda sticks with my whiny theme as it is.

breaking our hearts, the last time, infinitely.

The children are losing this war.
No more childhood.
No more mystery and adventure.
No more Santa Clause and Trick or Treat.
Thrusting them into our horrible adult lives.
What have we become.
So quick to share the pain and guilt…
the weight of the world…
with these tiny souls.
these big hearts.
One day there will be no more children’s laughter.
The world will grow quiet and cold.
Then erupt in the screams and disdain of adulthood.
Look at their eyes..
God Damn it just look at them.
Look at what they are becoming and put that blame where it belongs…
back on all of us.
Most of us, the best time of our lives,
are hazy childhood memories that we grasp on to.
That we will not let go.
I can’t save them alone.
You can’t save them alone.
I wish with all my heart I had that answer.
but I don’t…
And I truly fear, that we never will.
And with that we will lose our most valued possession..
The love of our children.
The laughter and innocence of our children.
And that just breaks my heart.
And truly scares the hell out of me.

The most magical thing I can think of is walking with my son.
His little hand safe and secure holding mine.
And his amazing little voice say the word to me...

Have a good day.

Captain PirateFace


Benjamin Hall said...

That sucks dude.

I don't think you should give up on the kids, do what you can. But you can only do so much. You can't fix someone else's marriage and you can't fix someone else's parents and that's where the problem truly lies.

All you can do is your best to raise Gabe right.

It's just like the airplane flyers say: you have to put your oxygen mask on, before helping someone else.

shereen said...

Hey johnny please keep doing what your doing for these kids I am so proud of you. Do not give up I have seen so many people get burned out and give up on kids while working at the after school program. The ones that didn't and where there for them did make a difference in there lives. You might not see it always but they do notice that you are there for them and they need you in there life. Show them that they do have something to look forward to and someone to look up to. Gabe is lucky to have such a great father. Keep up the good work and keep posting updates I love reading your blogs. Miss you, call you soon.

How can you save me when you can't save yourself?

"nothing can save
it keeps the walls

Charles Bukowski