I wake up all night long at different times as I stay in an un-air-conditioned house and have no real bed to sleep in.... or bedroom for that matter (like mini-fucking ovens) but usually get up around 2am or after... I don't have to wake up till 4am. I start work at 5:30am setting up "search" (where we pat down our kids) and un-locking various doors. I go outside with the arriving kids at 6:40am and begin "Wanding teens(ages 11-19)" (Metal detection for weapons) who are attending my school for a variety of reasons: Too many behavior infractions or a "Campus Disturbance" which can include mild freak-outs and silly things like "out-of-control pranks" to starting a riot. Fighting and Assault (of other students, teachers, school police, etc..) Violent Behavior, Tagging, Gang Affiliation, Drugs, the sale and purchase of (Prescription Pills: Xanax, Percocet, Oxy's, Weed, Meth, Black Tar Heroin, Booze, etc..) Sexual Assault, Drug Paraphernalia, and weapons. I then start the Pat-Down process from 7:am to 7:30am. I then attend to fights, kids under the influence, mental breakdowns, freakouts in class, overdoses, teacher ego's and attitudes, CPS issues (neglect and abuse), and that's all with the normal growing pains these kids already have as pre-teens and teens. I do this until 1:30pm.
And as hard as it is that is the very best part of my day.
I then go home and spend six to eight hours a day crying on and off like a god damn baby. I sit here madly in love with a girl who could care if I fucking up and disappeared who not only actively doesn't call me but actively avoids me like the plague. Yet I come home and spend hours alone pining away for her and she can't even give me a phone call. I am also not allowed on her Facebook...She doesn't want me to see her get flirted with by her scummy fucking fanbase. This was the girl I "was" ring hunting for. The girl who's family I fell in love with only to have them think I am some scumbag after their daughters home... yep... that's me. And all I want is their daughters heart and love... I am a selfish fuck.
I sit here hoping to hear from one of my "two" friends and find I am only needed when they are in need. whatever.
I sit here loveless and friendless for hours on end... only falling asleep when I tire from crying. Pathetic yes... but it's not like any mother fuckers are even reading this besides me. Does it give me perspective? No.
Does it help give me relief to vent... it's supposed to I guess.
I have nobody and nothing...
My amazing little boy and those kids at my school who are hurting and defenseless and need a guy like me looking out for them. If it wasn't for those two things I would have absolutely nothing. Take those things away from me and you might as well put me on watch and lockdown... because it would be over. Shit... it's hard just living now.
fuck tonight and every night anymore