finders keepers losers weepers....

so my car got towed tonight... this all after arguing all day with the woman i love for god knows what. i must be stupid as fuck all. anyways... i parked in front of my parents house and was upstairs for maybe under thirty min. using the restroom and arguing with the woman i love... i guess i just suck. then my car is gone. it cost $315.00 to get it out of tow tonight... i would like to give a quick shout out to the fuckers who like to screw the average working man...

http://ashleystowing.com/....

a good place to get fucked in the ass...

 (i will scan my bill to show you how they explain how they just pummeled my butthole) so anyways... i was halfway in front of my parents driveway and their block wall that separates the backyard from the street and i do admit.... it's a fire zone. I see people park like this all day long and nothing... under thirty min and they are on it like flies on shit... a sweet, kindly "neighbor" called to have us towed.. don't know which one... but all three of ours park in the street, sometimes several cars deep and that is obviously cool. So.... luckily the woman i love who has been upset all day with me now bales my car out. yep.... My girl to the rescue.

it all gets better folks...

Since summer school ended over a month ago i have had little to no funds...no income. I have borrowed from friends and family to get me through the gas issue for the last thirty days. Today i took a title loan on my car for $500, and used it for gasoline (to make sure i can make it to work all week starting Monday) and food for the house (mom and dads) as they haven't had work just as long... So, Monday i have to go back to the title loan place and take a bigger loan to cover Briana for the $300 she lent me and enough to cover the first initial loan. So instead of paying $500 right off when i get paid... now i will be making "payments" for over a thousand dollars... Just to make sure i don't lose my vehicle...Oh and my girlfriend reminded me several times not to screw her on the money... as if i would? i would never do that... ever... i feel so loved and trusted.

as if i was a liar... but i have yet to lie to her.

and i can't make her happy either...

what the hell is wrong with me?





so now here i sit... sad, frustrated, brokenhearted....

it's so terrible when you want to give up and you can't... so just cry by yourself when nobody is looking Captain.
Just keep trying to be positive while they line up one by one and kick you right in the fucking teeth.








and i can't sleep.




















































waiting for the crumbling walls to crush me dead...

so i stand here baby.
just watching you beat down those big bastard walls...
and the bricks are coming down on my head hard.
so..
i stand here baby...
watching the rubble fall around me... on me...
trapping me brick by brick
breaking bones and cutting and bruising skin...

i smile while i get crushed.
as i always have as i always do.

                                                    i hope your next wall stands up better.

itching 

it was easier giving up.
remember that?
floating underwater...
high on weed and percocets and soma's... a little booze...
as everyone ignored you.
you found peace giving up.
floating beneath the surface... a few feet away but thousands of miles apart.
half dead... half crazy... losing everything.
and trying is so hard.
so hard.
i thought i would be better off a fat dead statistic...
and i failed.

i live.

i smile and shake hands and hold doors and pay attention and don't get drunk and don't fall back into the habit, i love strongly with all my heart.. even if it isn't enough. i smile even when it feel's like the floor is about to give way. i smile when the tears are choking me up to the point of speechlessness. i smile and try to find the best in every living soul... i smile through it all.
i am romantic and stupid and so scared.

i owe it to you all don't i?

to suffer through the bullshit sober.
to experience every bit of pain i ignored for over seven years...
i deserve this.

i smile.

my family suffers the same fate... all hard workers...
all good, caring people...

all of us experiencing terrible thing after terrible thing...

we smile.

we stupid bastards smile.

it's what we are good at... living with the pain.

i wish i had an answer.

feel free to ask me anything sunshine.

i take one last look at heaven as it recedes into the darkness...
i pack up my emotional baggage and get ready for the hunt.
i am hunting my girls demons tonight...
and i hear they are tough.
i find them and tear them apart...
they scream as i devour them one by one...
i get overwhelmed and succumb to their numbers.
i will find a way to beat them... somehow.

Captain PirateFace