I just can't stop thinking about how fucking happy you all want me to be!!!

hello all. how are we doing? i am just doing great. sleeping all the time makes me happy.
Things have been at an astounding stand still for me. i don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I go home. sit. sleep. repeat workday. my fucking computer is busted. good times abound. tonight i get to actually do stuff. my mommy is going to cut zee hair and i am to walk the windy path with the always vocal Gideon. Good times abound. it's kind of depressing but that is all that is going on right now...fuck.














we might say things we never meant

and we did didn't we?
i would hurt you bad with words that never should have been let loose.
i would try to destroy you with words when i got upset, or felt stupid, or weak, or.....
afraid.
i never hit you or cheated but those damn words probably hurt more than anything.
i know why she left.
i know why they left.
i am so sorry to you all.

well, nice guys truly finish last.

Always the rescuing knight... never the prince.

















































i miss you so much... i wish you would have never left me.
now i just don't know what to do with myself anymore...
i am truly, truly lost...

coming to the conclusion that nobody likes you.

spent the better part of the morning crying in the bathroom...
fuck.
it

i invited people over for my birthday last night.. nobody came.

so pathetic its almost silly.


i guess she went out and got a new tatoo last night... i didnt want to know, but was informed regardless. everytime i think about her i miss her...
i dont fucking care what her new tatoo is and i dont want to know. at all.

i have decided last night i give up... not that i plan on suicide, i just give up on people.
i try to not be alone and make new friends but always end up by myself. like last night.

i will now go through life understanding and trying to embrace the fact that i an an unloved, unloveable cave troll.





heres a poem!


The Secret of Life.



run.









fuck it all
love,
Captain PirateFace

flailing and falling. or fuck it! Howsabout both asshole!

it's here and now that the fire starts.

too hot to touch and it brings death instantly and painlessly.

watch it dance.

_




I guess I will be making it to my date of birth after all.... yay.



tomorrow I update with oldies and newbies... so.


FUCKING BRACE YOURSELF FOOL!!!!!!!!!

....

Is it weird i have a strange worry that i may not make it to my 30th birthday.
soooo many people that know me never knew it was possible for me to mak it this far.

as The Beatles sang...

"It's getting better all the time!"


isn't it?


shouldn't it?

just a thought

love cappy

Caaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooooou diiiiiiiig iiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!

Tonight at house of blues...

Kid Meets Cougar


me and my boy are going.

be there or be a square.


"Baby, you know you dig it the most."

call no man happy... who is not dead

Oh boy.

Yet again... another storm on the horizon. i guess i should be used to stormy days and nights. i have a grip of them. Just happens that it never rains here in the desert.
So. i have solved my loneliness issue. i will just stay alone. If that perfect "Misses PirateFace" comes along... so be it. But i am done trying to impress people. i just want to be happy with my fucked up self first, and kiddo's it's gonna take a hell of an exorcism to push those emo/whiny/sad thoughts aside. I mean hell, if your gonna be good at something right?
But brass tacks... i am doing it for my son.

i know that me listening to Vampire Weekend is a bit of an oxymoron but... they just make me smile and feel so friggin' good. Why can't everybody just love the hell out of them? On a much drearier front, Nine Inch Nails and Arcade Fire are both in the studio. Know what that means cat's and kitten's??? It means a plethora of sad, beautiful and loud music is forthcoming. YAY!

On a separate musical note... Portishead will never be the same again for me... ever. (Especially "Roads") Thanks chedder.

i can only update from work or random computers as my home PC is on deaths door. It overheats after only a few and shuts off. soooooo sad about that. i miss my mix cd's. Anybody wanna make me one? I'm easy, just throw some whiny crap on there and i am game.


On other news.

Climbed a mountain on spring break. 8 hour hike and it busted my ass...
but fun as ever. (Thanks Brandon)

That's all i got for now... here be some scraps of raw poetry straight from the diseased brain of El Capitan PirateFace.





She never knew...

She never knew that i would hold her hand as she slept.
That i would sketch her sleeping face into my mind to lay dormant forever.
That when she was away i truly missed her.
When she was angry, i never hated her for it...
just tried to make sense of what I had done wrong.
But she is gone...
and now she will never know how much i would have loved her.
and i think....
it's a fucking riot.






Please ease your mind

we sit and tear the fabric of our being up into small piles that we leave out...
easier to judge ourselves.
our poor beaten bodies suffer the scabs and scars of all our battle wounds,
invisible scars that make up the collective of our hearts.
we cry and sob and weep and plead and beg for absolution.
For some returned empathy or compassion.
We bite our fat swollen tongues till the point of bleeding to keep our honesty at bay.
my truth can kill...
but we are too nice to let that venom into the bloodstream.
we just want to be loved and cared for and touched.
we just want to be known.






Captain PirateFace

....

Twelve years ago today I attempted suicide.

glad i fucked up.



love

the captain