The best thing about life, Is knowing you put it together

"They look like big strong hands... don't they?"

Water rolls down the skin like tiny beads..
Eyes close so that they might see.
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This sun is a star in someone else's sky
Illum tangendo (touching him)
This moon is making someone cry...
Illum tangendo (touching him)

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"

Captain PirateFace say's "Ahoy!"
Updated by, Captain PirateFace

The Captain

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This is not an Exit

Never Say Die!!!





























"the tigers have found me
and I do not care."

Charles Bukowski

there is no fear here

there is no fear here
there is a fear here

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

searching through darkness to find a light I may never, ever find...

I have been not in my head lately and feel that I am ready to collapse. I have been doing things I swore I would never do and act in ways I swore I would never act. Like several people rolled up into one strange animal that walks this world, always weary and always ready for a fight with bloodied meat between my teeth. I feel like I don't have a home. My voice is being quieted more and more and I feel like I need to scream. But I cant. I cant let the whole world know how crazy this lunatic has become. What challenges lay ahead for me? It almost seems like death is innevitable. Like I am pre-disposed to die at this young but old feeling age. By my hand or by accident I am not too sure, but the end reult feels all the same to me. No more me. No more vile lunatic. No more oafish asshole. No more sarcasm and failing witty banter. No more crying. No more fearing. No more dissapointing. I just want to be me again and that is damn hard to do when I never knew who I was to begin with. I am so tired all the time now. I only laugh with a drink in my stomache or a chemicle in my blood. I mostly frown and have no strength to do anything of importance anymore. "What about your son?" He should be enough that I just force positive change in my heart and soul and I feel that I am a bastard because I cannot force that change. I love my boy with all my heart and would die for him... maybe I am supposed to die for him? Would he be better off in this world without me... probably. It might be better to live in a world without me and just an idea of who I was... a memory. It would be good for him if it where true with not just me but most of his dishelved and stark raving mad family if we all just up and dissapeared. My poor son... with parents like his what chance does he have? In a world like this?
Both his mother and I are sick and do nothing to get better. What can be done to save his soul?
God I hope something...

2 comments:

Benjamin Hall said...

Just spend time with him and be his Dad. That is all Gabe wants/expects from you.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen you in a long time. I've kept up with your posts for the past couple of years. You really are an amazing writer.
When you write poems about sad girls, they remind me of myself.
It's funny...you've impacted my life enough to cause a few tears and a bit of self realization(and just by reading your poems!).
I wish you were happier...even though I feel just as hopeless as you do, so I know that happiness is nearly unattainable, and I'll always consider you a friend.

How can you save me when you can't save yourself?

"nothing can save
you
except
writing.
it keeps the walls
from
failing."

Charles Bukowski