Friday, August 08, 2008
when these lights begin to fade...
If only I could feel as good as this song sounds...
another life Johnny boy, another life.
The Captain is in:
i would like to say that all is well. it is not. it is far from well but what the fuck would you expect
coming to this blog right? if you are a regular reader here you come to sit back and get your dose
of your humble author's misery like some kind of fix for a misery junkie. or maybe you are just
a concerned friend or relative right? yeah fucking right.... sure... heh.
some days are good, last night was great. i would say damn nice in fact but my warped
perspective just loves to step in and tear the walls down and take decent moments and turn
them into fleeting moments of terror for me. to top it all off... i really miss my son.
i am done with the secrets on this blog by the way, so here it is.
i am getting a divorce.
my wife and i have grown apart and i refuse to believe it is all one persons fault and never will
and that is where we disagree and that is why we are getting a divorce. i am completely heart
broken about this and she does not believe that either. i hope with all my heart that we can with
time become friends again as we do have a bond nobody can ever have and also share a beautiful
and wonderful little boy.
this is the last time i will speak about this subject on this blog again.
Tonight's Recommended Listening Soundtrack of Lonesomeness and Tragedy is Sponsored by..
Dasani Water: Keeping the Captain Well Watered Since Quitting The Cola And Booze
Artist = Track
Aphex Twin = Nannou
Aphex Twin = At the Heart of it all
Aphex Twin = Avril 14th
Nine Inch Nails = Lights in the sky
Portishead = Give me a reason
Aphex Twin = Cliffs
Clinic = Distortions
Arcade Fire = My Body is a Cage
Radiohead = All I Need
Aphex Twin = Girl/Boy Song
I have been writing a bit lately and some of it is a little bit here and there and a little crazy at
times but it has been keeping the moods down and the really deep depression at bay so it is yet
again serving a real purpose. so here is what has been worked on as of late with a possible add on
of some new crap i may write tonight....
Just the Two of us?
I am filled up with the living, breathing hearts and minds of
two separate men.
And God Damn do we hate one another.
We have not one thing in common.
Two wild desperate animals caged in together in this flesh cell
that we both pathetically call a body.
So we just sit here...
Refusing to move from the middle of the road.
Our fat ass cooking on the burning one hundred plus degree asphalt.
Like big fucking roadkill....
I watch with one good eye as the vultures tear the flesh from the bones.
Love your Pal(s)
Last one to leave
I am always the last one standing in the lone parking lot.
Vacant parking spaces and the buzz of the few working lights in this concreted wide open space.
My only friends now the crickets nervously hopping around my feet and the moths lazily
circling the lights in hopes of a brilliant death.
My car lonesome and hundreds of feet away sits patiently waiting for me to climb in and sing sad
songs all the way home.
But, I think I will just sit here a moment or so longer.
Being alone never felt so comfortable...
In my mind I am still only a child.
a young man.
smiling at the world.
But reality is a cold and hurtful truth.
As I will always be the old man pretending to be the teenager while the teenagers
snicker and laugh behind my back. Pointing fingers and making wicked jokes putting
me in the place I so surely belong.
I have found out that reality is truly a bitch
Deep and drowning
I am tied to a boulder of vast truth
sinking into darkness as panic sets in and my lungs explode.
False Representation of Life
I know tonight I will make my way to a home that isn't really mine.
And sleep on an empty bed that really isn't a bed...
But really is a transforming couch.
And do this all in a room that really isn't a room at all.
And when I wake in the darkness in the middle of the night
I really wont feel like I am still a man.
The Loss of innocence
No longer children, we no longer deserve nothing else.
No longer a child, I deserve Nothing else.
Bleeding Through The Bandages
My features become blank and lifeless.
The music becomes reverb on my skin.
Just pulsating sound waves.
I cannot remember how to move the facial muscles to create a smile.
Once again I have become the shakey frame on a paused video cassete.
Waiting in convulsions to move on... to "play",
or finally for the eject button to be pushed, or for the tape to be eaten up and devoured
in the player... like so many damn times before.
Father and Son
We sit in an empty room
father and son
staring into each other's duplicate eyes.
trying to figure out each other's thoughts.
checking each other for for a hint of a smile...
which will eventually come.
Two strange creatures figuring one another out.
Father and son.
Separated by age
but connected in deep wonderful thought.
I am nearly trapped.
stupid in all my disguises.
I am losing the battle for my soul one day at a time...
and damn it all I just don't know what to do anymore.
What am I becoming?
Waiting for the death of the sun
we found ourselves like starving dogs.
walking through towns on hot pavement.
all doors locked to our entry.
all heads turned away from us in a panic.
we couldn't understand it.
what had we done?
so we did what everyone had wished
we had done since we had come to be.
we lay down to die on the very pavement
that scorched our delicate feet.
never knowing real love.
may god show them all the same compassion.
Just put it on my tombstone
Involved in my tiny little minds inner quarrel.
I sit here broken apart inside and stupid.
More questions then answers in this sin city abortion life I live like a fucked up saint. (yeah right)
Surrounding myself with noise and fluorescent light too dry and full of doubt to fully enjoy the
night exploding around me. Maybe it's all faded from me. Dead and gone. I used to have such
a strong pulse. Now the doctors say I may be dead? God is still coming to me in dreams and
demanding things of me I cannot begin to comply in. He doesn't even know me, and I tell him
I will fail. And besides that... Who is he to invade my sex dreams anyhow? So, here is where
we part ways and I walk off into the sunset and off the cliff with a pretend look of surprise
so you don't have to pretend to feel guilty for not warning me about the cliff you knew was there.
My identity changed by your cruel fists and ignorant heart
Bashing my heavy fists against a shattering mirror that reveals every
scar and crooked smile.
Every stretch mark, Every imperfection.
I hate you pig.
you lousy wreck of man.
Destroyer of families.
I loath you.
And I desperately scrub the skin raw while showering hoping a better man
But I don't have the heart to keep up the effort, lazy to the soul.
It will probably take forever for me to die.
No Lies! No Matter!
I love being lied to!
In regards to looks I know I am ugly fat man delux.
But, it's nice to think somebody thinks I am a better man than I really am...
Even if it's a bold faced lie.
Lay it on thick.
God built our humanity on his stink of lies.
Why stop there.
here I am
Once a long time ago I was a man.
Now I can't find the words to define what I have become.
Like I am trapped in between two worlds.
Brutal and Beautiful.
Yet not really knowing how to escape.
I'm damn foolish.
and damn stupid.
and God damn...
It's all my fault.
i am sorry you read this
love and goodnight
How can you save me when you can't save yourself?
"nothing can save
it keeps the walls
— Charles Bukowski
it keeps the walls
— Charles Bukowski