last night was tough... today, hard day.... tonight.... just as painful. All the bad things I have done in my life have finally caught up to me. I am getting all that is due to me. But, these ghosts from the past are tearing into the lives of my wife and child. My bad "karma" is effecting all of them. My boy is my true love and true heartbreak. If there wasn't so many things wrong with me he would be a normal little boy... but I have passed this sickness in me to him, even though I prayed to God to spare him this suffering. I just want him to be happy... and to be nothing like me. My wife still cant stand me, rightfully so. I cant stand me either. She drops the word divorce frequently these days and I hold my breath every time I come home with a deep seeded fear that I will walk into an empty house. My extended family is almost non-existent. I cry out to them and they (understandably) are busy with their own lives. I cannot believe in miracles. Miracles are not meant for the Robison family name. I have never been more alone than I am now. I should just get used to it.... My wife wants me on Anti-Depressants. I have taken many in the past with always the same result... numbing of the mind. Zombie traits. And if (and I almost always do this with normal medications) I miss a dose I come out of this Zombie funk and crash very very hard with a fit of depression that dwarfs the normal bouts. It gets scary dark. Very bottomed out and is like being crushed by the very ocean itself. Suffice to say, I am not a fan of self medication when it comes to depression. What then? What cure is there? Well, I cannot expect or count on loved one's (i.e. wife, family and friends) to help pull me out of these terrible moods. I am not a fan of suicide as it would hurt all the people I am already hurting on a much grander scale, and I can't imagine my boy without his daddy. Divorce? I love my wife, that's not the problem... the problem is keeping her in love with a manic depressive idiot. Writing? It stave's off momentarily but that is really about the length of it's cure... momentarily. The answer is illusive and I fear it will never be revealed. On a small and positive side note: I love my new school and it's staff. It has introduced me to a new friend who is so on the level it's amazing. She is good people and a fantastic "The cup is half full" to my "The cup is half empty".
second thought Fuck Gina She reaps what she fucking sows....
here is some recomended listening for this evening....
The Arcade Fire - Intervention
Nine Inch Nails - In This Twilight
Coil - Cold Cell
Death Cab For Cutie - I will follow you into the dark
Q-Lazzarus - Goodbye Horses
The Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Maps
Marilyn Manson - Man that you fear
Elliot Smith - The Biggest Lie
Filter - Stuck in here Primitive Radio Gods -
I've been downhearted baby.
Goodnight,
Captain PirateFace
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