i feel like the loneliest boy on earth.

I would adore more reader's. would whomever the hell you are please spread the word.

and just when I thought it was safe to get back in the water, the fucking shark eat's me...

so, woke up today feeling like a big shitty clown.
a not-so-funny-mostly-sad-clown.

Don't you just love how certain smell's, place's, sound's and thing's all trigger memories? And you have no control of what or how it is triggered. So every time that happen's to me I get either pissy, sad or hyper? makes sense right? and lucky me... today it is "Whiny Bitch Day" or as I like to call it "WBD DAY". Who is this whiny bitch? I, of course!

But it's cool.

I know it's a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I know medication would help.

fuck pills.

I can just ride the Captain's dark ocean waves until the end of time. I would rather be a shitty me then a pretend happy facsimile. So yeah... Fuck Pills.

Hey if they work for you and they provide some kind of semblance of normalcy... right on.

for me...

fuck those pills.








I just keep thinking if I wasn't so damn unbearably lonely I wouldn't feel so fucking horrible all the time. And since the rest of the world need's me "together" I get to smile all day externally acting like a happy asshole... Meanwhile I carry all this nasty emotional baggage right in the gut's... the gutty work's as it is.

then there are the moment's I just sit and fucking cry...

and those moment's come more often than I would like.

Christ. I can't even bribe people to hang out with me..

Then again I am Captain PirateFace, the name fit's, the disposition fit's.
Crabby emo pirate captain delivering sub-par poetry on the waves of the internet...

well... fuck you too ;)

Godbless,

rot and love and passion and remorse...

Captain PirateFace.

I can't stand Las Vegas... I truly hate this piece of shit town....

anyhow, Had a truly amazing time in Cali. with my family. They are way to kind to this nasty old pirate for sure... They are amazing people and deserve the very best. On Saturday we headed down to Santa Cruz and enjoyed a day at the beach and the shop's of Downtown Santa Cruz. I absolutely love Santa Cruz, and if I ever get to escape Las Vegas... that is where I would like to go. I would be a freak amongst freaks and somehow that is a very comforting feeling. Sunday we headed down to Berkeley and walked around checking out the shop's. We had an awesome dinner at "Nan and Curry". Later that night for the first time (and hopefully not the last) I got to enjoy Arcade Fire at the Greek theater... I am not bullshitting here... simply amazing... best show I have "ever" (sorry NIN) seen. Hands down.Here is a link to my Facebook if you would like to see the pic's as there are just too many to post here and I am lazy. Just click the link and friend request me.

-------> LINK OF DOOM (to pic's) <---------

here is a link to one of the best (one of many) moment's of the show.

Sunday, I enjoyed a pretty quiet day walking around and soaking in San Francisco, my cousin meeting me and hanging out with me till it was time for me to fly home.

Then... the sad flight back to Desert Prison Hell.

which bring's us here...

back to boredom.

Naw, just yanking your chain. I am going to see The Vandal's at the end of the month and hopefully we (Gabriel and I) will be seeing The Aquabat's, Reel Big Fish and Goldfinger.

other then that, the day's go by and are mostly sad and boring. Once in a while thing's are not so glum but hell if you read this blog, by now you have realized that even when I am happy I am still a whiny prick. Yeah I still miss my ex-girlfriend, yeah I am super lonely these day's but I am alive right? I will eventually find someone to love me and put up with my shit ;)

Love Captain PirateFace.

________________________________________________________________________________________

one last jump in the ocean.

i didn't want to drown.
i didn't want to be out here

all alone

again.
The dark rising water will overtake me.

but i am breathing.

my heart beats buried within my chest.
faint.

but i am living.

My strength and grief will become an island.
Where my rainstorm's will be solitary...

but with a comfort that i can still at least enjoy the rain.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

i guess you deserve the right to be rid of me.

and i have the right to one day try and love again...

and still miss you once in a while.

Woah!

Vampire Weekend rocked the hell out of Gabriel and I's sock's...

It was simply... "amazing"....

Hope they come back to Vegas real soon.

Gabriel danced through every song.

By the way...

My kid is badass ;)

Only two day's till I fly to California, see my beautiful cousin's and finally... FINALLY!!! get to see Arcade Fire! phew... Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire within a week? I may just die!

Gonna Have a beautiful awesome day.

I hope the very best for you all as well.

Love,

Captain PirateFace

VAMPIRE WEEKEND!!!

Gabriel and I...

rocking the eff out...

at Vampire Weekend...

TONIGHT!!!

Zee Captain is super Jazzed!!!!

weeeee!!!!!

Tell ya all about it later.

peace out

Captain PirateFace

good stuff

Going to spend the afternoon getting my shit ready for Arcade Fire next weekend at Berkly. So happy and excited... Any of my "reader's" live in the Fremont/San Jose/Santa Cruz/San Francisco or Berkly area? heh... reader's..... hehehehe...

So.

Believe it or not I have been starting to write again. Dry spell (I get them often don't I?) should be done soon... my hate for the summer and love of fall and winter should get the creative juices going... that and I am still alone... without companionship as they say... eh... whatever.

arg

for a pirate i am too damn nice..

everybody's got a water buffalo

mine is fast

and yours is slow!

and the drum beats on and on and on and on....

phew....

anyhow...

Been in a pretty decent mood last few couple of days...

Do cat's and Dog's communicate with one another?

hold on a sec...

gonna go "google"

........................................

No definitive answer.... weird right?

But, it's been nice feeling good....

More writing with maybe an actual shitty poem tagging along..

Love,

Captain PirateFace

who the hell are you people reading this?

why lie.

i still miss her every day.

if i could forget, i would.

i don't think even i, deserve to hurt this much.

..

.

.

.

free for you my pals. :)

<-----CLICK

ON MY FAT HEAD FOR THE SONG.

Joey Cape's "Making Friends", my all time favorite Lagwagon and Joey Cape song

and the drum beats on and on and on and on.....

i am celebrating a year of sobriety by going to California to see my beautiful cousins and, see one of my all time favorite band Arcade Fire! At the Greek theater at Berkly.

that is all

cap'n

well. my dad just told me what he thinks of me, not really holding back.
he did it in a way that wasn't yelling... more like an annoyance....

like a boil or a wart or a scab.

guess i am scab.

fuck.

and i was so fucking happy.

serves me right eh?

fuck you all too

i spoke to her last night

she doesn't love me anynmore

and never will again.

desire and nothing.

so, as of late...

I have been hiding indoors getting fat for the upcoming winter, as large animals do.
can't hike, it's to fucking hot out in Vegas to hike in the summer. Thank God I go back to work within the next week or so. Can't wait to be bus doing "something". And having more $ will be nice.
Have had yet another case of writers block. Little stuff is getting written but nothing "Juicy". Gotta calm down my brain first I guess. Work will kinda do that for me. Gabriel's birthday was awesome. He is a spoiled little man for sure... but deserves it completely. more later i guess...

love

captain

pirate

face

Rewind.

One of my best friends is no longer a best friend... but he is still a friend of mine. i should have dropped him but either loyalty or stupidity keep me around. This friend shall remain nameless as of now. Here is a few of the drunk and nasty text's i got from this friend written as they were recieved:

"Your son will kill himself once he get to see how daddy really is."

"Hahaha your kids dumb"

"Your sons a retarted and its your falt mines not cause i am a man."

"My son will go on to have a family yous not so much."


That was about a week and a half ago. Good times right? What was sent didn't upset me. It was that my "friend" could go so low is what upset me. You can't hurt me by talking shit on my son. I know my son is amazing in every way, you cannot make me think poorly of my little boy.
_______________________________________________________________

I am currently listening to the brand spankin' new Arcade Fire album "The Suburb's". It i next level amazing and truly beautiful. My favorite track you ask? All of them...

but, I would be lying to say that I wasn't partial to "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" and "Rococo". And listening too "Half Light II (No Celebration)" just made me love that track as well.

____________________________________________________________________

So, not gonna lie. Lonely as hell these days. When I am not with Gabriel I just feel empty... I guess because I love being with the boy and because when I am not with him I have all the time in the world to think about how I have no girlfriend, car, place of my own,etc.. I have been going out and seeing great show's with awesome music (Monday night was Dusty Rhodes & The River Band , The Steelwells and Coastwest Unrest. I purchased cd's from all three bands.) but still have "zero" ability to talk to the female of the species. And when I do... Holy Hell... I start stammering and then say stupid idiot shit my brain spit's out without filtering first. Shitty that there ain't no "Delete, Backspace and Spell check" in the really real world right? And let me tell you kind folk's, the ladies are not lining up to talk to your "Shrek-Like" blogger here. Still having former lover withdraw's, I am sure they will pass... if I ever get another girl to even look at me. I still do miss "her" every day, every couple of hours, whatever. Love is by far the worse addiction I have ever had. I crave it like a lunatic. I am so afraid of being alone... "alone forever" is a terrifying notion to me. Maybe one day I will be kinda really happy. I am Still drug free, I even go to these bar show's and drink a cup or glass of ice water from the bar, even though it's free I still feel I should tip a buck. I cry allot lately, by myself. There is really not a living soul I can talk to. My friends don't understand, and they lie to try and not hurt my feelings and that's cool. But mostly they just don't give a shit. I wish my friends cared like I do, all four of em. And no girl wait's for my call. No friend, no girl no girlfriend. Oh and my "Ex-Ex" hates me most of the time... I deserve it, I guess... Although she still claims her hate is from my past fuck-up's and that the better person I am now should just "eat crow" and shut the fuck up. Guess what folk's? I still care about her. All I ever hope for her is the best. I just wan't her to be happy. That's all. And she will "never" stop hating me.

boo hoo right?

On the good new's front. My son's birthday is coming up and at the end of month I will be back at work and, Gabriel and I will be seeing Vampire Weekend live. Such a good end of a shitty lonely ass summer.

(summer 2010 = BALLS)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

So...

I left my heart in aokigahara forest

the wind in the tree's
a whisper in the silence
it nearly deafen's.
she rarely smiled.
and she wasn't smiling
when she said
goodbye.











Sin City Blues.

I know what the invisible man "feel's" like.
You may be able to see through his heart...
but it's there.
Beating alive.
Aching and ageing.
I am the center of the room and everybody walks by me.
I am not there.

I am on the Freemont Street Experience getting sweaty and ready to
pound a raving lunatic into the cement if he tries to attack me.
and he didn't so,
I didn't.

I am the fat fuck drinking free ice water from the Bar with less than Twenty bucks in my pocket.
I am the nicest guy you will "never" meet.
You were too pretty for me anyhow.

and probably too picky.

I am the cave troll.
Hiding away and grinding bones to dust.
Chasing little skinny pant's Jack, down that friggin' beanstalk

again and again.

The silliest zombie on earth.

You say brain's?
He say's he want's and craves "hugs".
But you try to get the living to hug you if your un-dead...
well, it's not a walk in the park if you ask him.
He made a shirt that said "Free Hugs!"
but people just thought he was trying to be sneaky.

He wasn't...

He just wanted to hug somebody.
Which brings me to the question...
would you hug a zombie?

end of part 1.

love captain pirateface

____________________________________________________________________

ouch.

just when you think you are over a person a memory comes flooding in making your heart break ever so slightly all over again. being lonely is just... hard.

i guess it doesn't really help that i feel extra fucking pathetic by having my car repossessed and losing my apartment.

whatever

hey look at this...

Click on this for pure fun and enjoyment today ------> Adventure!!!

maggoty maggots

I had a dream I got in the shower and I found that maggot's were eating all my body hair.. now if this really was happening I would go ape shit. But in the dream I was trying to rational why it was o.k. that it was happening. And I was surrounded by a load of drunks trying to score with one another. what a stupid, weird dream.

better then ex-girlfriend dreams eh?

so...

if the good lord permit's...

how about a poem or two tonight? eh?

oh... and...

my heart is beating strong and the world is my playground so...

fuck you depression! you get my late nights and lonely moments... (hopefully) nothing else.

love

captain pirateface