i spoke to her last night

she doesn't love me anynmore

and never will again.

desire and nothing.

so, as of late...

I have been hiding indoors getting fat for the upcoming winter, as large animals do.
can't hike, it's to fucking hot out in Vegas to hike in the summer. Thank God I go back to work within the next week or so. Can't wait to be bus doing "something". And having more $ will be nice.
Have had yet another case of writers block. Little stuff is getting written but nothing "Juicy". Gotta calm down my brain first I guess. Work will kinda do that for me. Gabriel's birthday was awesome. He is a spoiled little man for sure... but deserves it completely. more later i guess...

love

captain

pirate

face

Rewind.

One of my best friends is no longer a best friend... but he is still a friend of mine. i should have dropped him but either loyalty or stupidity keep me around. This friend shall remain nameless as of now. Here is a few of the drunk and nasty text's i got from this friend written as they were recieved:

"Your son will kill himself once he get to see how daddy really is."

"Hahaha your kids dumb"

"Your sons a retarted and its your falt mines not cause i am a man."

"My son will go on to have a family yous not so much."


That was about a week and a half ago. Good times right? What was sent didn't upset me. It was that my "friend" could go so low is what upset me. You can't hurt me by talking shit on my son. I know my son is amazing in every way, you cannot make me think poorly of my little boy.
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I am currently listening to the brand spankin' new Arcade Fire album "The Suburb's". It i next level amazing and truly beautiful. My favorite track you ask? All of them...

but, I would be lying to say that I wasn't partial to "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" and "Rococo". And listening too "Half Light II (No Celebration)" just made me love that track as well.

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So, not gonna lie. Lonely as hell these days. When I am not with Gabriel I just feel empty... I guess because I love being with the boy and because when I am not with him I have all the time in the world to think about how I have no girlfriend, car, place of my own,etc.. I have been going out and seeing great show's with awesome music (Monday night was Dusty Rhodes & The River Band , The Steelwells and Coastwest Unrest. I purchased cd's from all three bands.) but still have "zero" ability to talk to the female of the species. And when I do... Holy Hell... I start stammering and then say stupid idiot shit my brain spit's out without filtering first. Shitty that there ain't no "Delete, Backspace and Spell check" in the really real world right? And let me tell you kind folk's, the ladies are not lining up to talk to your "Shrek-Like" blogger here. Still having former lover withdraw's, I am sure they will pass... if I ever get another girl to even look at me. I still do miss "her" every day, every couple of hours, whatever. Love is by far the worse addiction I have ever had. I crave it like a lunatic. I am so afraid of being alone... "alone forever" is a terrifying notion to me. Maybe one day I will be kinda really happy. I am Still drug free, I even go to these bar show's and drink a cup or glass of ice water from the bar, even though it's free I still feel I should tip a buck. I cry allot lately, by myself. There is really not a living soul I can talk to. My friends don't understand, and they lie to try and not hurt my feelings and that's cool. But mostly they just don't give a shit. I wish my friends cared like I do, all four of em. And no girl wait's for my call. No friend, no girl no girlfriend. Oh and my "Ex-Ex" hates me most of the time... I deserve it, I guess... Although she still claims her hate is from my past fuck-up's and that the better person I am now should just "eat crow" and shut the fuck up. Guess what folk's? I still care about her. All I ever hope for her is the best. I just wan't her to be happy. That's all. And she will "never" stop hating me.

boo hoo right?

On the good new's front. My son's birthday is coming up and at the end of month I will be back at work and, Gabriel and I will be seeing Vampire Weekend live. Such a good end of a shitty lonely ass summer.

(summer 2010 = BALLS)

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So...

I left my heart in aokigahara forest

the wind in the tree's
a whisper in the silence
it nearly deafen's.
she rarely smiled.
and she wasn't smiling
when she said
goodbye.











Sin City Blues.

I know what the invisible man "feel's" like.
You may be able to see through his heart...
but it's there.
Beating alive.
Aching and ageing.
I am the center of the room and everybody walks by me.
I am not there.

I am on the Freemont Street Experience getting sweaty and ready to
pound a raving lunatic into the cement if he tries to attack me.
and he didn't so,
I didn't.

I am the fat fuck drinking free ice water from the Bar with less than Twenty bucks in my pocket.
I am the nicest guy you will "never" meet.
You were too pretty for me anyhow.

and probably too picky.

I am the cave troll.
Hiding away and grinding bones to dust.
Chasing little skinny pant's Jack, down that friggin' beanstalk

again and again.

The silliest zombie on earth.

You say brain's?
He say's he want's and craves "hugs".
But you try to get the living to hug you if your un-dead...
well, it's not a walk in the park if you ask him.
He made a shirt that said "Free Hugs!"
but people just thought he was trying to be sneaky.

He wasn't...

He just wanted to hug somebody.
Which brings me to the question...
would you hug a zombie?

end of part 1.

love captain pirateface

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