I just can't stop thinking about how fucking happy you all want me to be!!!

hello all. how are we doing? i am just doing great. sleeping all the time makes me happy.
Things have been at an astounding stand still for me. i don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I go home. sit. sleep. repeat workday. my fucking computer is busted. good times abound. tonight i get to actually do stuff. my mommy is going to cut zee hair and i am to walk the windy path with the always vocal Gideon. Good times abound. it's kind of depressing but that is all that is going on right now...fuck.














we might say things we never meant

and we did didn't we?
i would hurt you bad with words that never should have been let loose.
i would try to destroy you with words when i got upset, or felt stupid, or weak, or.....
afraid.
i never hit you or cheated but those damn words probably hurt more than anything.
i know why she left.
i know why they left.
i am so sorry to you all.

well, nice guys truly finish last.

Always the rescuing knight... never the prince.

















































i miss you so much... i wish you would have never left me.
now i just don't know what to do with myself anymore...
i am truly, truly lost...

coming to the conclusion that nobody likes you.

spent the better part of the morning crying in the bathroom...
fuck.
it

i invited people over for my birthday last night.. nobody came.

so pathetic its almost silly.


i guess she went out and got a new tatoo last night... i didnt want to know, but was informed regardless. everytime i think about her i miss her...
i dont fucking care what her new tatoo is and i dont want to know. at all.

i have decided last night i give up... not that i plan on suicide, i just give up on people.
i try to not be alone and make new friends but always end up by myself. like last night.

i will now go through life understanding and trying to embrace the fact that i an an unloved, unloveable cave troll.





heres a poem!


The Secret of Life.



run.









fuck it all
love,
Captain PirateFace

flailing and falling. or fuck it! Howsabout both asshole!

it's here and now that the fire starts.

too hot to touch and it brings death instantly and painlessly.

watch it dance.

_




I guess I will be making it to my date of birth after all.... yay.



tomorrow I update with oldies and newbies... so.


FUCKING BRACE YOURSELF FOOL!!!!!!!!!

....

Is it weird i have a strange worry that i may not make it to my 30th birthday.
soooo many people that know me never knew it was possible for me to mak it this far.

as The Beatles sang...

"It's getting better all the time!"


isn't it?


shouldn't it?

just a thought

love cappy

Caaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooooou diiiiiiiig iiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!

Tonight at house of blues...

Kid Meets Cougar


me and my boy are going.

be there or be a square.


"Baby, you know you dig it the most."

call no man happy... who is not dead

Oh boy.

Yet again... another storm on the horizon. i guess i should be used to stormy days and nights. i have a grip of them. Just happens that it never rains here in the desert.
So. i have solved my loneliness issue. i will just stay alone. If that perfect "Misses PirateFace" comes along... so be it. But i am done trying to impress people. i just want to be happy with my fucked up self first, and kiddo's it's gonna take a hell of an exorcism to push those emo/whiny/sad thoughts aside. I mean hell, if your gonna be good at something right?
But brass tacks... i am doing it for my son.

i know that me listening to Vampire Weekend is a bit of an oxymoron but... they just make me smile and feel so friggin' good. Why can't everybody just love the hell out of them? On a much drearier front, Nine Inch Nails and Arcade Fire are both in the studio. Know what that means cat's and kitten's??? It means a plethora of sad, beautiful and loud music is forthcoming. YAY!

On a separate musical note... Portishead will never be the same again for me... ever. (Especially "Roads") Thanks chedder.

i can only update from work or random computers as my home PC is on deaths door. It overheats after only a few and shuts off. soooooo sad about that. i miss my mix cd's. Anybody wanna make me one? I'm easy, just throw some whiny crap on there and i am game.


On other news.

Climbed a mountain on spring break. 8 hour hike and it busted my ass...
but fun as ever. (Thanks Brandon)

That's all i got for now... here be some scraps of raw poetry straight from the diseased brain of El Capitan PirateFace.





She never knew...

She never knew that i would hold her hand as she slept.
That i would sketch her sleeping face into my mind to lay dormant forever.
That when she was away i truly missed her.
When she was angry, i never hated her for it...
just tried to make sense of what I had done wrong.
But she is gone...
and now she will never know how much i would have loved her.
and i think....
it's a fucking riot.






Please ease your mind

we sit and tear the fabric of our being up into small piles that we leave out...
easier to judge ourselves.
our poor beaten bodies suffer the scabs and scars of all our battle wounds,
invisible scars that make up the collective of our hearts.
we cry and sob and weep and plead and beg for absolution.
For some returned empathy or compassion.
We bite our fat swollen tongues till the point of bleeding to keep our honesty at bay.
my truth can kill...
but we are too nice to let that venom into the bloodstream.
we just want to be loved and cared for and touched.
we just want to be known.






Captain PirateFace

....

Twelve years ago today I attempted suicide.

glad i fucked up.



love

the captain

the softest music... yet the sweetest sound is from your breath.

Oh Joy!
Rapture!

so...
How are you kind folks doin' out there.
Are you breathing with me?

You may not know it but I think about you people...
unknown to me or why you read this inane rambling.
But, I love you for it.
And I wonder if your.....
ok.

so, I am right back where a great writer should be. alone and lonely. so on the good end of the bad stick... the sadder i am... hopefully the poetry will get better. or not.
fuck... it can't get much worse! SNORT.

I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and it isn't scary really, it's just kind of sad. When i was young and not much dumber i figured i would be "somebody" by this time. Not a "scrape by" kinda fella. I didn't even go to my high school reunion because i was embarrassed. Stupid I know but you can't make a monster into a man... just a man into a monster i.e. me (the captain).
So I find myself thinking about these women who fall in love with me.
As soon as i start to either really care about someone or love them regardless of how shitty i am treated... they leave.

maybe i am only worth loving for a little while?

maybe these lovely ladies realize they can do a hell of a lot better?

I don't really know anymore...
and the shittiest thing of all...
I am afraid to fall in love again.
and, besides that...

It's not like they are knocking down the doors.
"Hey ladies! I am an over weight school district employee, divorced with an autistic 6 year old child... what do ya think?.... wait....where are you going?"

hehe




here is some stuff that resembles writing in some obscene capacity.....


losing my ghost

she no longer haunts me
she no longer loves me
she no longer holds me
her lips will never find mine again...
never
i have been here before
in this lonely place
we are old friends, this vacant void and i

but i am breathing
walking slowly
smiling best i can
she might read this...
she might not
either way
she wont care

so many women will think this is about them...
so many women will be wrong.

fuck them all.



holding it all in. (my very rare attempt to yet again... rhyme somehow)

my breath held forever
a mistake in knowing you
my breath held forever
with my face turning blue
my breath held forever
i waited for you to smile
my breath held forever
it took a little while...
and i died.


my lovely ape

i waited...
i waited for her to love me.
to tell me her hearts secrets.
she opened up to me one special day,
like a blossoming flower... she bloomed.
And from that day on...
she never shut the fuck up again.



painful

i miss her kiss.
her soft hand in mine.
the way she would hold me... forever.
i miss the way her voice would tell me
"I love you".
Of course...
she lied.
i miss her that when i think about her...
i hurt.
and
cry.
and even though i miss her...
she will never know me again.
my touch is the touch of ghosts and fading memory.
i hope i always remember the love and the pain... everything.
i hope she never thinks of me again.


This day will never end

walking through a wasteland dribbling a basketball on the cold desert floor.
kicking up dust with every bounce.
i look up and breath in the blue tinted daylight and gag a little.
Luckily... nothing comes up (this time).
i take out a yellowing old wallet photo of you.
smiling at me forever.
i tell you i love you.
you smile at me.
i tell you how much it hurt since you left.
you keep smiling.
no matter how many times i cry to you... scream at you...
no matter how often i stare into your eyes, your reaction remains the same...
you smile at me.
and smile
and smile
and
smile.
i love you and your gone.
i have one moment from your life captured forever
on a decaying wallet photograph.
and that is all i can keep of you
i deserve nothing more.
My blue sunshine fades and dies and ghosts into a dark purple night
with twinkling bright stars.
i walk on alone in the dark deeper into my wasteland.
My basketball is gone...
and so am i.



Spoiled Milk

Radiating Beauties hanging on every word the scum spit's forward. Why cant they ever fall that deep for the lunatic? I said enough

The Watermark

Search this barren valley,Once teeming with aquatic life...now bone dry.
The skulls left behind left grinning with strange toothy smiles.Once upon a time
small delicate waves would break against jagged rocks, rocks that now sit Godly and
elevated touching the bluest of heavens.Their thirst only quenched now by passing rainstorm.The last remnants of this shimmering body of water from the past is the various watermarks left behind.











Love with my whole heart and soul...
Captain PirateFace
I want to love somebody so bad it hurts. I have a lot of love to give,

p.s.

i miss every women i have ever fallen in love with

so, ladies... On those lonely nights just remember that when you are feeling
down or unloved... If the captain ever loved you... he still loves you now.

and...

by the way I think I will never ever date again. Just too much of a wimpy sissy to even try. Hell I can't even approach women. I am afraid to get shot down, in fact the only time I ever asked a girl out we were already on a date and I didn't know it. Yap.

that's all bucko's

Captain PirateFace

random encounters with random ass feelings

So... short update.
I am still Pill and Booze free.
My special lady friend left me high and dry... and that is about as detailed as I am willing to get in regards to her... if you want to know more read into my poetry... might be right, might be wrong.
I have been writing like mad lately.
Good times.
Keeping sane.
Miss updating.
More soon.


Love, Captain PirateFace

SO...

you can now be my friend on facebook! woot! woot! I know you are very excited.
Anywho... Look for me by "John Robison" in Las Vegas or "Captain PirateFace".

smell ya later.

The Cap

I hope Elvis is whooping Michael Jacksons ass in the afterlife as we speak.

fuck the superbowl

with my wings spread... I fall to the earth.

Well,

So...

hey.

been a minuet. Sorry about that. i am now the nowhere man.

i stay home and do... nothing.

but, happy to say at least still "Drug Free" and still not drinking. By the way, if you drink or do... whatever. I am not here to preach sobriety and a sober life, I just want to stay sober so I don't kill myself. I do not judge and if you enjoy those things I have ceased to enjoy, good luck and stay alive as long as you can.

so yeah, it's been a relatively mundane existence but I am safe and clean. Been watching lot's of movies and listening to lot's of muzak. The new Vampire Weekend album "Contra" is fucking amazing, very upbeat. buy it. now.

I am still writing, now more then ever so I will be posting some (hopefully) manana.

the lonesome pirate

captain pirateface

happy new yeeeear.

happy new year bitches.

and on and on and on and on and on and on.....

I can only update at me madre's for the time being as I have no internets.

Love

Captain PirateFace

she knows the night

and it is affecting her mood.
she smiles slight and evil and sarcasm drips from her every word.
Blank stares past my skin, blood and bones.
Through my soul...

and I know she really see's me.
Her touch is ice

just like that stare

just like that soul.

she is the only woman I have ever truly deserved.
Evil and cruel

and dying for the oppertunity to make me feel it all.







And I don't know this reality anymore

tiger cats eating my brain

scratching and

pickin.
I stand in a candel lit bathroom

smelling her perfume, her scent

all while missing her

(and realize it's actually creepy to be doing this)
This makes me laugh out loud

as I write these silly damn words.
I want to high 5 everyone on earth.
I want to kiss soft lips and feel the bulge grow in my pants.
It's raining now and things feel hopefull.

I hope.

Love, Guts and a fucked up raw piece of steak.

Captain PirateFace

Atomic Cowboy

Oh Atomic Cowboy
You ride on through the night
Oh Atomic Cowboy
You stay brightly lit by the radiation.
Oh Atomic Cowboy
Even you horse is hardcore
not slightly bothered by an atomic blast.
Oh Atomic Cowboy
Keep kickin' up dust trails pardner!

Don't stare at me bastard.

she looked at me and winked.
I winked back smooth as can be...

"I got a nervous tick you insensitive fuck!

Don't stare at me bastard!"

I thought to myself...

"my bad".

where have all the gentlemen gone?

All the woman huddled together crying and sobbing

longing for the days of opened doors and

surprise flower deliveries.

all the boys grow up fierce and cruel and eager for the taste

of blood.

The men too damn lazy to teach them how to

care.
I open the door for her, she walks past me ghostly and beautiful...

and doesn't even fucking say thank you.

Captain PirateFace

damn I have missed the hell out of writing.

hello how ya been?

Been focusing on life lately, got a car. getting new apartment.
Things have been rough but good.


should have some new poems for ya tomorrow night as I have been writing again.



yay.



miss you all

captain pirateface