Pornography on the Radio

Monday, October 20, 2008

the piano keys are broken just like the keys on my keyboard...

hi.

so, so much to tell and so little ability to tell it in.
saw Lagwagon... amazing show. Took a picture with Joey Cape and my mom erased it from the camera. Saw "Choke" great flick... equally good as the book. Still in the throes of divorce and that
does not get easier in the slightest. Have really good people in my life holding me up even though I am constantly falling down. Suffice to say, it's been really rough. I have been leaving poems and flyer's for this twisted little blog all over town so if you found one... hi.
Was reading a trade paperback from the library the other day (for the life of me I cannot recall the name) and in the back I saw an awesome pin-up done by the infamous Ben Hall. There is a link to his art to the right in my links. He and his wife Marlena are just amazing. Miss you guys.
I spend a lot of time in a constant state of confusion. Sometimes really sad and once in a while very angry. But I guess that's life right?? So here is some crap that I have been working on as of late. it's not all genius and it's mostly just crap. Some of it are thoughts and some are complete poems and some aren't complete anything. so here is the poison folks... swallow or choke the choice is all yours.

Love

Captain PirateFace

Heart attack baby.

I feel an ache in my chest.
As my rhythm breaks down to a scattered beat.
My fingers claw my chest looking for an invisible button to push...
for a door hinge to open...
maybe even an emergency phone to God begging for one more chance at life.
No luck baby.
I'm dead
meat.
dead duck.
dead doornail.
Who left out the beef?
Ah fuck it!
Who needed the heart ache anyway?

My solid mind.

I used to think
I was fucked up.
Then I thought
I was wrong...
and that I had made it all up.
But I now think I am all fucked up again.
I am coming home.
Full fucking circle.

Auto

I want to be numb.
I want to do terrible things and be forgiven for them.
I want to cry and wail and be held.
I want to die a little bit and take a little life every day.
I want to love.
I want to be loved by everyone.
I want to be touched.
Caressed.
FUCKED.
Sucked.
Shaken.
Held.
Attacked.
I want to destroy everything in the world.

Visiting from far away.

Like walking out on an ice covered lake.
It's foreign to me and hard to comprehend my own movements.
Always in fear of the cracking ice beneath my feet.
Always near the point of tumbling into the darkness and drowning
all alone.
I always would tread softly.
Vastly aware of all the dreams set at my feet.
Mine having been trampled underfoot long ago.

Who made you the great decider of fates, man-child?

God could not trust you with such a massive undertaking.
Especially when your allways fighting and yelling at God with your fists clenched and tears in your eyes.

Me, a child of wonder and romantic fantasies.

Almost 30 years old does not count or come close to being a child.
Yet I fabricate lies as quickly as a little boy caught elbow deep in the cookie jar.
I pretend I am invisible like when I was little.
It must be working because when I smile they don't smile back anymore.

I just wanted to hold you dear so you could feel my old body and my teenage heart beating against your body of sweet, sexy, delicate and sex sweaty lies.

So, we meet again?

Her smile breaks me down, and I smile up at my pleasant death.

Blind please

We stand staring into one anothers eyes
deep and full of
fears, passions, resentments, tears.
And I can't tell if you are telling me "Love me" or "Leave me" anymore.
Your eyes are your mystery while mine give my every thought away...
my every emotion.
I was foolish to stare so long to begin with.

break apart

we break apart after tainted kisses on the verge of tears and laughter.

Sitting in traffic

Kids fighting in the backseat of a Toyota Sienna for over 20 minuets in front of me in traffic.
Past tinted glass I see little silhouettes ball their fists and attack over and over again.
Making me laugh over and over again.
An Indian couple behind me in traffic lean in from their seats meeting in the middle touching their heads together, then kiss...
pulling a sigh from my lungs.
Still, all in traffic.

blistered

my face is long and tired and full of thoughts that can't be controlled.
I think about Cat Stevens and how he lost his mind and let his musical spirit fade away because he converted to the Muslim religion and how many years later was banned from commercial airlines to fly to America due to suspected terrorist activity.

Captain's Heaven

When I think of heaven I can't visualize bright white light...
I think of an old room filled with antiques and soft dim light and soft old furniture.

8:05pm September 20th 2008

Kind of a hard day today.
Not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel...
in all honesty he was an angel... no pun intended.
I just felt vacant and misplaced...
as if not belonging anywhere.
But kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel.
We now, as I am writing this, are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas.
Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighter hats, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an endurance of strength match with a mallet. Me holding a blow up spider man mallet he won earlier in the same game.
Four crispy waters unopened and ready and one opened in each of our laps.
The stage crew is slowly getting things ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unrecognizable drum beat testing out the drums.
Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fireman's hat demands my attention so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down earlier on an amusement ride.
I put my pen don and listen to my best friend in this whole crazy wide world.

Undress Sundress

She stains my coths everytime.
But keeps coming back even though I am an aweful fuck.
What do I want out of this life?
What do I get?
Love
Sex
Penetration
Passion.
Hand holding?
Lip locked kisses?
And I bow out now.
This sleeper is waking the fuck up yo.

Prohibited

No Humor
No Love
No Joy
Restricted of human passions.
Leave your personality at home.

Bright Futures.

We have brought down the pain and the tears.
We have sunk into the honest retribution and apathy.
I have become living empathy.
Like a raw exposed nerve.
I can't close my eyes anymore because I fear the ghosts will be upon me with their wanting
eyes begging me with their soundless lips.
I just keep backing away from the nightmares and daydreams.
Praying for a better anything.
Until I have backed myself into a corner.
Fearing I will lose control at any second.

And God help me I think I have.

more written that will be posted soonish.

Captain PirateFace

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

i am lost amigo's....
lost

no....

i am not

dead.

smart asses!

Love Captain PirateFace

For those of you reading this respond with a comment to this post, to this question I have...

"How did you hear about Pornography On The Radio?"

Witdow!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

so... says the liar

I lied about updating the poetry stuff but will act on my promise soon yo.

the captain

Monday, September 22, 2008

and the battle hymn dies off slowly into a steady and low sounding sob. When is this party ever going to end?

I have (I think) Anal Fissures, and I get ulcers.
I had the most unfucking funny talk with a teacher that
I would like to "not" name the other day.
I used the restroom when I got to work the other day,
and had to rush to get out and be where I was needed,
I work with kids... I am a campus Security Monitor.
Well soon after work had begun this "Teacher" came
over to me and said that I had left blood in the toilet after
flushing....

..............................................

..................................................

ok.
And that he knows we all have our problems but I should
do a double take when finished and then if I see any blood
or guts (his words) I should take a paper towel or a moist towelette
and clean the inside of the toilet up so nobody would ever have
to perchance across one of my horrible bloody disgusting messes
again.

.....................

........................................

ok.

The least fun I have had in a conversation this year (so far).

yep.
_______________________________________________

The following was written at 8:05pm on Saturday September 20th 2008

Kind of a hard day, not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel.. in all honesty
he was an angel.. no pun intended. I just felt vacant and misplaced... as if not belonging anywhere.
But still kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel. We now, as I am writing this.. are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch the band Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas. Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighters helmets, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an
indurance of strenght match with a mallet (Carney Game). Me holding a blow
up Spidey Mallet he won earlier in the very same game. 4 crisp waters unopened
and ready and one opened in each of our laps. The stage crew is slowly getting things
ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unoticable drum beat, testing
out the drums. Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fire hat demands my attention
so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down
earlier that afternoon. I put down my pen and listen to my very best friend in this
whole wide world.

Captain PirateFace

p.s. writing...as in "Poetry"...TONIGHT.

P.P.S. You smell like ass.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

he wishes...

He wishes for the cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

 -- William Butler Yeats

un·cer·tain·ty

[uhn-sur-tn-tee] Pronunciation Key –noun, plural -ties for 2.

1.	the state of being uncertain; doubt; hesitancy: His uncertainty gave impetus to his inquiry.

2.	an instance of uncertainty, doubt, etc.

3.	unpredictability; indeterminacy; indefiniteness.

heart·ache

[hahrt-eyk] Pronunciation Key

–noun

emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish.

be·tray

[bi-trey] Pronunciation Key –verb (used with object)

1.	to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.

2.	to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.

3.	to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.

4.	to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.

5.	to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.

6.	to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.

7.	to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.

8.	to seduce and desert.

re·morse

[ri-mawrs] Pronunciation Key –noun

1.	deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

2.	Obsolete. pity; compassion.

in·san·i·ty

[in-san-i-tee] Pronunciation Key –noun, plural -ties.

1.	the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind.

2.	Law. such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.

3.	Psychiatry. (formerly) psychosis.

4.	extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness.

de·serv·ing

[di-zur-ving] Pronunciation Key –adjective

1.	qualified for or having a claim to reward, assistance, etc., because of one's actions, qualities, or situation: the deserving poor; a deserving applicant.

2.	meriting; worthy: a criminal deserving of a lifetime sentence.

jack·ass

[jak-as] Pronunciation Key –noun

1.	a male donkey.

2.	a contemptibly foolish or stupid person; dolt; blockhead; ass.

bro·ken

[broh-kuh

n] Pronunciation Key –verb

1.	pp. of break.

–adjective

2.	reduced to fragments; fragmented.

3.	ruptured; torn; fractured.

4.	not functioning properly; out of working order.

5.	Meteorology. (of sky cover) being more than half, but not totally, covered by clouds. Compare scattered (def. 4).

6.	changing direction abruptly: The fox ran in a broken line.

7.	fragmentary or incomplete: a broken ton of coal weighing 1,500 pounds.

8.	infringed or violated: A broken promise is a betrayal of trust.

9.	interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected: After the phone call he returned to his broken sleep.

10.	weakened in strength, spirit, etc.: His broken health was due to alcoholism.

11.	tamed, trained, or reduced to submission: The horse was broken to the saddle.

12.	imperfectly spoken, as language: She still speaks broken English.

13.	spoken in a halting or fragmentary manner, as under emotional strain: He uttered a few broken words of sorrow.

14.	disunited or divided: Divorce results in broken families.

15.	not smooth; rough or irregular: We left the plains and rode through broken country.

16.	ruined; bankrupt: the broken fortunes of his family.

17.	Papermaking, Printing. a quantity of paper of less than 500 or 1000 sheets

em·pa·thy

[em-puh-thee] Pronunciation Key –noun

1.	the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

2.	the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

Nine Inch Nails
-and all that could have been-

Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I'll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won't find me here

Ice is starting to form
Ending what had begun
I am locked in my head
With what I've done
I know you tried to rescue me
Didn't let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
I am
Tainted
The two of us
Were never meant to be
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
Gone fading everything
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me..........................................................................

i am tired and need sleep and cant sleep and couldn't sleep. and that's what i get.
i don't know how to do this whole "life" thing... i just keep fucking it up. i can't seem
to get things right. i just don't have a single fucking clue what to do anymore....
nobody has the answer either, friends, family i even thought that praying would help...
all i got in response was mostly shrugged shoulder's, "i don't knows" and silence from the
so called "great creator". silence all night long when all i needed to defeat the darkness
around me was the laughter in a voice. lame captain.... lame.

it's 7:21 am and i still have yet to sleep or rest and one of the most important days in a very
long time is today and i will be fucked in all manners. when my mother gave birth i wonder
if she had wished for any children that had lived?

no more name

as the world went white and horrible he found himself alone and afraid.
and he could almost bare the loneliness that was driving him further into madness.
as long as it kept it from all those that he loved.
he was nobody here.
no name.
no personality.
no more heart.
no heartache.
fair trade he thought.
and if they never found him again, maybe they could hold on to a good memory...
instead of all the bad ones he himself had created.
and as the white world succumbed to darkness he held his hand out wanting..
knowing it would never feel the tight embrace of another's ever again.

and it had to make sense...
didn't it?

_________________________________________________________

Nine Inch Nails
-select lyrics from "Hurt"-

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Friday, September 05, 2008

Heads Down...............

Head Down by Nine Inch Nails

You
What you looking at?
Head down
Too late
for that
What you want
What you get
Know your place
Don't ever forget
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing hereI can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything
Hey you
What you
running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything