when these lights begin to fade...

If only I could feel as good as this song sounds...

another life Johnny boy, another life.


____________
The Captain is in:
____________


hello.
i would like to say that all is well. it is not. it is far from well but what the fuck would you expect
coming to this blog right? if you are a regular reader here you come to sit back and get your dose
of your humble author's misery like some kind of fix for a misery junkie. or maybe you are just
a concerned friend or relative right? yeah fucking right.... sure... heh.
some days are good, last night was great. i would say damn nice in fact but my warped
perspective just loves to step in and tear the walls down and take decent moments and turn
them into fleeting moments of terror for me. to top it all off... i really miss my son.
i am done with the secrets on this blog by the way, so here it is.

i am getting a divorce.

my wife and i have grown apart and i refuse to believe it is all one persons fault and never will
and that is where we disagree and that is why we are getting a divorce. i am completely heart
broken about this and she does not believe that either. i hope with all my heart that we can with
time become friends again as we do have a bond nobody can ever have and also share a beautiful
and wonderful little boy.

this is the last time i will speak about this subject on this blog again.

_____________________________________________________________

Tonight's Recommended Listening Soundtrack of Lonesomeness and Tragedy is Sponsored by..
Dasani Water: Keeping the Captain Well Watered Since Quitting The Cola And Booze

Artist = Track
Aphex Twin = Nannou
Aphex Twin = At the Heart of it all
Aphex Twin = Avril 14th
Nine Inch Nails = Lights in the sky
Portishead = Give me a reason
Aphex Twin = Cliffs
Clinic = Distortions
Arcade Fire = My Body is a Cage
Radiohead = All I Need
Aphex Twin = Girl/Boy Song

_____________________________________________________________

I have been writing a bit lately and some of it is a little bit here and there and a little crazy at
times but it has been keeping the moods down and the really deep depression at bay so it is yet
again serving a real purpose. so here is what has been worked on as of late with a possible add on
of some new crap i may write tonight....








Just the Two of us?

I am filled up with the living, breathing hearts and minds of
two separate men.
And God Damn do we hate one another.
We have not one thing in common.
Two wild desperate animals caged in together in this flesh cell
that we both pathetically call a body.
So we just sit here...
Inert.
Refusing to move from the middle of the road.
Our fat ass cooking on the burning one hundred plus degree asphalt.
Like big fucking roadkill....
I watch with one good eye as the vultures tear the flesh from the bones.

Love your Pal(s)



Last one to leave

I am always the last one standing in the lone parking lot.
Vacant parking spaces and the buzz of the few working lights in this concreted wide open space.
My only friends now the crickets nervously hopping around my feet and the moths lazily
circling the lights in hopes of a brilliant death.
My car lonesome and hundreds of feet away sits patiently waiting for me to climb in and sing sad
songs all the way home.
But, I think I will just sit here a moment or so longer.
Being alone never felt so comfortable...

and free.


Youth

In my mind I am still only a child.
a boy.
a young man.
smiling at the world.
But reality is a cold and hurtful truth.
As I will always be the old man pretending to be the teenager while the teenagers
snicker and laugh behind my back. Pointing fingers and making wicked jokes putting
me in the place I so surely belong.



I have found out that reality is truly a bitch

Deep and drowning
I am tied to a boulder of vast truth
sinking into darkness as panic sets in and my lungs explode.










False Representation of Life

I know tonight I will make my way to a home that isn't really mine.
And sleep on an empty bed that really isn't a bed...
But really is a transforming couch.
And do this all in a room that really isn't a room at all.
And when I wake in the darkness in the middle of the night
I really wont feel like I am still a man.




The Loss of innocence

No longer children, we no longer deserve nothing else.
No longer a child, I deserve Nothing else.





Bleeding Through The Bandages

My features become blank and lifeless.
The music becomes reverb on my skin.
Just pulsating sound waves.
I cannot remember how to move the facial muscles to create a smile.
Once again I have become the shakey frame on a paused video cassete.
Waiting in convulsions to move on... to "play",
or finally for the eject button to be pushed, or for the tape to be eaten up and devoured
in the player... like so many damn times before.




Father and Son

We sit in an empty room
father and son
staring into each other's duplicate eyes.
trying to figure out each other's thoughts.
checking each other for for a hint of a smile...
which will eventually come.
Two strange creatures figuring one another out.
Father and son.
Separated by age
but connected in deep wonderful thought.


losing

I am nearly trapped.
stupid in all my disguises.
I am losing the battle for my soul one day at a time...
and damn it all I just don't know what to do anymore.
What am I becoming?




Waiting for the death of the sun

we found ourselves like starving dogs.
walking through towns on hot pavement.
all skin.
all bone.
all doors locked to our entry.
all heads turned away from us in a panic.
we couldn't understand it.
what had we done?
so we did what everyone had wished
we had done since we had come to be.
we lay down to die on the very pavement
that scorched our delicate feet.
never knowing real love.
may god show them all the same compassion.





Just put it on my tombstone

Involved in my tiny little minds inner quarrel.
I sit here broken apart inside and stupid.


More questions then answers in this sin city abortion life I live like a fucked up saint. (yeah right)

Surrounding myself with noise and fluorescent light too dry and full of doubt to fully enjoy the
night exploding around me. Maybe it's all faded from me. Dead and gone. I used to have such
a strong pulse. Now the doctors say I may be dead? God is still coming to me in dreams and
demanding things of me I cannot begin to comply in. He doesn't even know me, and I tell him
I will fail. And besides that... Who is he to invade my sex dreams anyhow? So, here is where
we part ways and I walk off into the sunset and off the cliff with a pretend look of surprise
so you don't have to pretend to feel guilty for not warning me about the cliff you knew was there.



My identity changed by your cruel fists and ignorant heart

Bashing my heavy fists against a shattering mirror that reveals every
scar and crooked smile.
Every stretch mark, Every imperfection.
I hate you pig.
you lousy wreck of man.
Destroyer of families.
I loath you.
And I desperately scrub the skin raw while showering hoping a better man
lays beneath.
But I don't have the heart to keep up the effort, lazy to the soul.
It will probably take forever for me to die.





No Lies! No Matter!

I love being lied to!
In regards to looks I know I am ugly fat man delux.
But, it's nice to think somebody thinks I am a better man than I really am...
Even if it's a bold faced lie.
Lay it on thick.
God built our humanity on his stink of lies.
Why stop there.



here I am

Once a long time ago I was a man.
Now I can't find the words to define what I have become.
Like I am trapped in between two worlds.
Brutal and Beautiful.
Yet not really knowing how to escape.
I'm damn foolish.
damn lonely.
and damn stupid.
and God damn...
It's all my fault.

















i am sorry you read this

love and goodnight

captain pirateface

So,,,,,.... ...l...o..n.g....... ..t..i..me k...............i.ddo..........s.............

































This Just Makes Me Laugh Like a Motherfucker!

...

fuck it all



fuck

every


thing.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Laugh Fuckers! What the world needs now, is LOVE sweet LOVE!

Here is a viddie of me dancing as a wee child...


And here is my wedding Video... Checkout my sweet moves....


yummy yummy yummy i gots crickets in my tummy, yum yum i ate that fucker!




and to end it right...

Amazing Short Film by and Indipendant Artist

An "alternative" look at Autism (What my son has).

for those that do not know... Early intervention is the key, e-mail me at
Captpirateface@aol.com any time to ask questions.

Love, Captain PirateFace

rainy night in Lost Vegas

May the god's weep upon you as thee angels go bowling.

All my love to you, crazy and beautiful, intriguing and cruel, cruel world.

-Captain PirateFace-

china town SF

bugging out

fear... is the mind killer

staring off the cliff below...

"Wind in your sail"
-By Lagwagon-

It's negative
I wish you the worst dear,
to feel the greatest pain
A positive
You say it's all in vain
I know I felt, and I won't feel again
I know you Hours of madness, years of dysfunction,
the deepest embitterment No will to strive or achieve,
finale in breakdown
Perpetual fall on your knees, as you crawl back to me
It ends like this I can hope for bliss, if you fail again
'Cause I'm right here, to witness every step And when you trip,
I will cherish it
Hours of madness, years of dysfunction, the deepest embitterment
No will to strive or achieve, finale in breakdown
Perpetual fall on your knees, as you crawl back to me
I live to watch you fail, I live to watch you fail I live to watch you fail,
I am the wind in your sail
I wish you the worst dear, to feel the greatest pain
'Cause I'm right here, to retrieve all you stole
Every tear, and everything you own I wish you Hours of madness,
years of dysfunction, the deepest embitterment
No will to trust anyone
This is how I lived, this is how you left me blue
As I crawl back to you.
___________________________________________
i am listening to: "Mountain Halo" by: The Appleseed Cast.
______________________________________________

*
Bathing in moonlight while swallowing death

The current has shifted and brought me out to a wretched suck in the water dragging me deep into the undertow where the waves pound me against the jagged coral and slimy stones at the oceans floor. I inhale salt water and feel an instant burn in my lungs. I think of you and this life within you and without. I smile opening my mouth to let the ocean embrace me with icy fingers clawing down my throat. I let the ocean take me... drowning away my life, my pain and complications. Drowning away my memories of you. Sleep carefully my love... may you never have to swim this cold ocean alone. ____________________________________________________________________
So, things aren't ok anymore. i am in a tailspin like never before. i hate to be cryptic but i fear i cannot let this well fastened mask slip and show my true face in these here parts. words avoid me... leaving me that much more alone as not being able to let this rage and sadness loose from my burning aggravated gut. time will go by and one day i will be me again, but until then i am lost. a man with no home. a man with no heart.

*

Lost in childhood

mother.
these attacks that happen in increased viciousness and thick with venom must stop.
i need protection from this pain in a makeshift womb.
mother...
call your angry sisters and daughters away from this carrion man i have become
and spare my wounded heart from being picked clean.
stop the severity of their claws from lovingly separating tired skin
from it's soft and beaten flesh.
mommy.
they wound me and wound me...
licking the blood from their lips while smiling dark wicked smiles
reserved for make believe witches in fairy tales.
mom.
my soul is so very tired my heart beat has slowed to the steady crawl,
catching the rhythm of my tears.
lock me away this man child of your that i have become.
and i am so nearly gone that the shadows behind me threaten to devour me whole.
my internal scream comes spilling out from the throat in the form of a low guttural whisper.
and i cannot wait for the day when i have no voice to speak with.
when these dreadful, pain filled words cease to be.
i can almost feel that darkness awaiting me.

mom,
i wont forget to say goodbye to all your sisters and daughters and vengeful goddesses.
blowing a kiss before bowing out of this madness forever.
just another dark stain in the night sky.

*
Everyday

I know that I have been poisoned by you.
And my attempts at keeping those painful memories at bay
would take a lifetime to suppress.
And like a caged rat I gnaw at the bars wearing my teeth down
to broken and bloodied fragments.
Just like my own worn out caged rat's heart.
But maybe I am just bitter,
never thinking this shiny blade penetrating my gut
would have been lovingly plunged in by you.

*
Pillow Talk

We have been whispering little secrets into tear stained pillows.
Sharing fears and fantasies with whatever ghost sits listening in our room.
All these dreaded and perverse little secrets.
Begging beyond the walls for some of those secrets to fade away...
die off...
never have been whispered.
Even if they kill a little part of you.
Dying slowly per lost secret is far better than living with this heavy heart.

I wish I could share it all with you.

However it affects you.


















and i am gone

Captain PirateFace

...

so, shit has officially hit the fan and I really cannot speak about it at the moment, so as of now until further notice...
no personal blog posts, just poetry. interpret it as you will. someday I will explain all. Just know I need all your support and I am hurting more than I have ever hurt before in my entire life.

Love and respect to all of you.


Captain PirateFace

?

everything smells like death today.
.
..................
.
.

the world is slowly turning as i sit silently in the dark

sorry for the lack of updates, if anybody has noticed.
I have not forgotten the California trip update there is just a load to cover.
i feel bad as i cannot seem to get the words out of my head lately and express myself poetically or otherwise and it's keeping me all pent up. i am guessing it's mostly due to stress. stress of work, money, being an asshole daily, being married to the girl of my dreams who despises me.
hopefully something solid will show back up at this blog sooner than later.

wish me luck.



captain pirateface

do the collapse!

so tired.......
shouldn't I just go to bed????

I feel like exploding while going ten thousand miles per hour.








i don't need you































i







don't








need.

a leap of faith, and a matter of falling

the other day i read to a class room the first hand account essay of my suicide attempt.

i was nervous as the kids in my school are there for various behavioral issues.
the whole time i read and gave commentary where i felt it was needed there was nary a peep. not a sound. i saw a deep understanding in the eyes of these children whose lives have been drug through the dirt and whose have just begun to unfortunately to echo my own. there were some children in the class with tears welling up in the eyes, a few girls and boys. and when i finished reading, i received a warm round of applause and a few words of gratitude and compliments. those compliments came trickling through the day with warm honest handshakes and thanks. It felt good having reached those kids again... then this last Friday the reality if what my job is and what i have to do hit as i had to forcibly put a young lady on her bus as she sobbed and resisted, knowing there is a possibility that she is physically abused at home. even worse knowing at that moment that there was no other possibility other than what i had to do and what was told to do. it broke my heart, and started my weekend out shitty proper.


i have been working on a long detailed account of our California trip to Fangoria/Disneyland/SeaWorld so expect that someday...


Oh yeah the following in Italics and in the lovely color green was written on May 15th when I was very tired and pissed but never published to blogger but here ya go for Fun's sake...

I just wanted to start off by saying thank you to you all for the over whelming amount of e-mail I have received since yesterdays post! A whole slew of.... not one fucking e-mail! If I felt much more love I would die by choking on the gun oil before the bullet ever reached the brain.

Fuck certain married bitches in my life for attacking me on the most deepest and most personal possible issues to make me feel like shit... nice low blow... I hope hell has a nice comfy seat for your miserable ass some shiny happy day.
I miss the old "her", the one I knew and fell deep in love with "once upon a time", not this puppet master tyrant, no love to give, venomous vampire.

I am so fucking tired I keep passing out and having conversations out loud with the people I am hallucinating / dreaming of.


oh, on a very fucking positive note... nine inch nails has released their new album at www.nin.com called "The Slip" absolutely fucking FREE Baby! Go there now and Download that shit. Amazing album with multiple high end format's and album artwork as a "Thank You" to the fans... says the ol' Reznor.

I have been slowly working on a detailed blog chock full of pictures and witty banter all about the infamous "California" Trip that should be uploaded within a few days at best. So here is some writing you fucking fuckd,,,,,,,,,


i hope all is well with the world.
i am still a pissed of rotten bastard but i just keep trying to either smile or cry through all that crazy pain.
as the Joker would say...
"Why so serious?"

___________________________________________________________________



The blank expression on my face is the best I can do with your knife in my guts

I just got tired of sneaking into your window at night and taking pictures of your sleeping face and lack of smiles.
Of getting lost in the thoughts of you while trying to find a decent book on World War Two at the public library.
I got bored waiting in dirty bathwater that went from comfortable warm to chilly cold with the phone 2 feet away waiting for the call that would never come.
I gave all those mix Cd's I made for you away to strangers.
I got mixed reactions and mixed looks from each person I handed one off too.
I miss you but I am finding it's not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be.
So when it hurts the most and I have to pretend it doesn't,
when you see me I can give you that indifferent look on my face...
I just find a late night swing set and swing as high as I can kicking my legs towards the stars.
I do this and I laugh.
I do this and I laugh and I cry and I do this until the cops tell me to go home.
I hope you have a perfect life without me.
Because in the end it really doesn't matter anyways does it?
And I repeat that last sentence as I fall asleep every night swallowing that lump in my throat I call heartache and pride.
Sweet dreams kiddo.
I will keep kicking at those stars for you.


That sad little fat boy in the skeleton Pajama's was I.

The walls have held up with pictures of the dead longer than the lives in the pictures had lived.
Now the walls hold the pictures of ghosts.
Now the walls tell the stories of families that have given birth, lived and died.
And the pictures someday will fall and break.
Be pulled away.
Thrown out.
And there ghostly clean spots will still remain.
Phantom pictures frames.
Until they are smeared over with the exorcism of a fresh coat of paint...
or knocked down.
Becoming phantom walls.
Phantom Walls with phantom picture frames of the dead.


Love lost in a Judas Kiss.

She looks at me with heavy blame in her eyes,
as if to say:
"You have eaten my heart".
I cant say I even know this panicked woman staring into my eyes.
Her lips quivering as she chants some kind of incantation that she "thinks"
centers her universe.
I look at those tragic eyes and know that I must soon flee...
You see I know it will not be long before I fall madly in love with this
delicate wreck still shaking like a leaf.
I walk slowly away praying to any listening higher power that she will not follow.
When she stays put I smile to myself guessing "something" must have listened.
As she fades from my sight I can't help but become awash in sadness.
I can almost see her remove a syringe from her collapsed veins filled with junk.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it anymore.


My Spectacular City!

There is a wheelchair.
Rusted and Worn out, sitting by a city bus stop waiting for the arrival
of a break from the one hundred plus degree heat.
And in this wheelchair sits a bag of diseased skin barely hanging on to a meat
filled skeleton that once had a name.
That once had dreams.
Hopes and Fears...
Now it is just waiting to die.
Slouched in it's chair.
A slave to pain and sadness and not much more again.


Stupid guy thinks he's a human

Learning to walk the path of the beat down man.
I do.
Smiling through the bruises and limping through my pain.
Grin and bear it.
As the old show tune would say:
"Why look so awfully tragic?
Put on a happy face!"
But the song left out the suffering.
But, forget all that nonsense and shuffle yer feet into oblivion
as we put on our happiest masks we can find.
So, we can fuck our way to Heaven or Hell grinning like the God Damned fools
we have always been.


Where did it go?

Little notes sent off back and forth.
Small delicate words written by small delicate hands.
There is only love and sadness in this precisely folded paper.
And this is as pure as love will ever be.


Goodbye....me

scratched out poems mean too many failures unbearable to read again.
embarrassing deformed offspring birthed to the page.
brought on by the prick of my pen to fertile white paper.
raped of it's virgin clarity.
everyday the words become heavier and harder to write, like tearing away
little pieces of me...
In the parting words of a mostly unread poem.
Slowly forgetting the youth.
The times of Content.

Goodnight Jerkface, and and all the rest of you too.

Captain PirateFace

tired

i am tired and am going to sleep but will be home tomorrow after 9pm


i miss human contact...

indulge me


captpirateface@aol.com
home 792-260-9757
movie phone 702-222-3456

Fuckers~!

I am in California baby! Updating this outdated fuck of a blog from my hotel/Hostel in L.A.! Tomorrow through Sunday I will be kicking it with the psycho's and creeps at Fango's Weekend of Horror's! Metting Captain Spaulding and the Original Leatherface! HELL YESSS! And Monday I will be spending the day at Disneyland with the family and Tuesday at Sea World! YEP. I FUCKING ROCK RIGHT NOW BEEEYATCH! I will upload pictures and all that jazz when I get back. Oh and drop me a line here or at my e-mail Captpirateface@aol.com if you know about any cool shit I could be doing out here in L.A.


Word'

The Capn'

p.s.

I love Ben Hall and his man teats!

FUCK YOU It's my Birthday

tomorrow is another day near death

Tomorrow I will be 28 years old... jesus christ.

more crap soon.

Love. the capatian

Thank you strange and wonderful creatures...

Thank you anybody and everybody who has frequented this blog...

I checked the numbers today and have seen that within the last month

I have had over 700 hit! (which for this modest little site is a kick ass thing).

So again... Thank you all.

P.S. I have had another unfortunate writers block recently but you crazy kids have

inspired me to stop being a lazy ass and WRITE!!!!

so, there should be some fookin' site tonight or tomorrow.

Captain PirateFace