Broken Teeth, Soft Embraces, Family ilness... And I thought I could laugh it all off... what a fucking riot.

One of my top right back teeth is broken in half and the nerve is exposed.
Yeeehaw!
Also,
One of my bottom left back teeth is also broken in half and the nerve is also exposed.
2 FOR ONE DEAL YO!
Anybody want to send me pain meds? I will "not" say no.

anywho.

My Dad found out the other day that he has Hepatitis C. My Dad is a pessimist as I am.
He has himself dead and buried which isn't good for him or my mother and the stress is causing angry outbursts and fights in the house so I take drives wherever I can go to escape the craziness.

I love my parents and want to help them but all I know to do right now is just give support.
It just seems life shits on my family on a daily basis is all.

On the side of sweetness and tenderness...
I just can't seem to take in that not all people think I am a horrible, lowlife loser deformed troll of a man like I do. It's hard for me to take compliments and I have a hard time accepting the love people try and give me. I usually throw my insanity at any kind of love and that disease infects the people that love me and they retreat. As it did my soon to be Ex-Wife.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Speaking of "CRAZY".
My moods are becoming more erratic lately. While driving on the freeway the other afternoon I was caught in traffic and started singing along to the Weezer song "Dreaming". I felt compelled to pour my bottle of water over my head drenching me and my cloths and my driver side interior.
Then after wildly singing along and rarely keeping my hands on the wheel I decided it was a fine time to take off my shirt and drive shirtless and wet with the windows rolled down singing along to Weezer's "Dreaming" over and over again. I felt like I was watching a person take over my body as if my actions were not my own. I felt happy but in a way that just didn't seem right.
Afterwards I went home and crashed into a deep depression and fell asleep very, very early.
I just don't know what is going on with me anymore.

I need to find a new therapist.
(know any good ones in the Las Vegas area folks??? Ones that may be able to deal with my personality type???)

I also am going to be trying out Anti-Depressants again as I think it couldn't do any harm.
could it?

So what of any good news eh?
I get to see my little man today which is a day early. I miss the hell out of him. Gina thinks I am out playing every day while the reality of the situation is I can't hear her phone calls from the dungeon of a downstairs in my mother's house. She thinks I ignore my son when he wants to talk to me around bed time but that's just not true. I miss my son like I would miss the sound of my heart beating. Sometimes she fails to see that her leaving me didn't just fuck her up. It tore my life apart and my son's as well. I don't hate her for wanting to have left me. That was her decision. I will not go into detail but I will say that it's what she felt she needed to do and sometimes... about half the time I agree with why she left and believe most of the reasons she gives to be true. But sometimes I don't and think she made a mistake that someday she will come to regret.
But I give myself that right to think in two separate thought patterns... I am crazy aren't I?

I have a grip of more poetry to post but just haven't had the strength or patience to do just that. But I will soon and it won't be one of those... "I will post TONIGHT!" and two weeks later you get an "Awe Shucks, I forgot to post and will really do it tonight." and then space that altogether.
Are any of you actually reading this blog and my poetry? Who the Hell knows as NOBODY barely ever leaves me comments or sends me any kind of contact. So I might just be posting for Sherrie and Ben and myself as I love to read old entries and say "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I post this shitty shit shit?"

So I will try again out of hopeless desperation to connect with any of my fictional readers.
(I mean fuck all my counter keeps going up pretty often? Is it because the word "Pornography" is in the title?)

Please feel free to leave a comment fuck-o's and please feel free to contact me through e-mail at CaptPirateFace@aol.com



see ya later salamander.

Captain PirateFace


P.S. Oh yeah! I am not quite as much a fat fuck anymore. I went from last June weighing 310 lbs
(I am 6'3 gimme a little bit here ya snickering fucks) to the comfy weight of 255 lbs. And I am losing more hopefully by the day. My weight loss plan... LOTS OF FUCKING STRESS! It really works folks... don't knock that shit until you try it. Also quitting soda for the most part and just drinking water. No more booze. (Still haven't kicked the pain meds yet but I do have a legitimate injury... yeah I know sometimes I run out before it's time... shut up) And small meals (no over eating... just because the breakfast came with huge ass pancakes doesn't mean you HAVE to gobble them down if your already feeling full.)

the piano keys are broken just like the keys on my keyboard...

hi.


so, so much to tell and so little ability to tell it in.
saw Lagwagon... amazing show. Took a picture with Joey Cape and my mom erased it from the camera. Saw "Choke" great flick... equally good as the book. Still in the throes of divorce and that
does not get easier in the slightest. Have really good people in my life holding me up even though I am constantly falling down. Suffice to say, it's been really rough. I have been leaving poems and flyer's for this twisted little blog all over town so if you found one... hi.
Was reading a trade paperback from the library the other day (for the life of me I cannot recall the name) and in the back I saw an awesome pin-up done by the infamous Ben Hall. There is a link to his art to the right in my links. He and his wife Marlena are just amazing. Miss you guys.
I spend a lot of time in a constant state of confusion. Sometimes really sad and once in a while very angry. But I guess that's life right?? So here is some crap that I have been working on as of late. it's not all genius and it's mostly just crap. Some of it are thoughts and some are complete poems and some aren't complete anything. so here is the poison folks... swallow or choke the choice is all yours.

Love

Captain PirateFace





Heart attack baby.

I feel an ache in my chest.
As my rhythm breaks down to a scattered beat.
My fingers claw my chest looking for an invisible button to push...
for a door hinge to open...
maybe even an emergency phone to God begging for one more chance at life.
No luck baby.
I'm dead
meat.
dead duck.
dead doornail.
Who left out the beef?
Ah fuck it!
Who needed the heart ache anyway?




My solid mind.

I used to think
I was fucked up.
Then I thought
I was wrong...
and that I had made it all up.
But I now think I am all fucked up again.
I am coming home.
Full fucking circle.



Auto

I want to be numb.
I want to do terrible things and be forgiven for them.
I want to cry and wail and be held.
I want to die a little bit and take a little life every day.
I want to love.
I want to be loved by everyone.
I want to be touched.
Caressed.
FUCKED.
Sucked.
Shaken.
Held.
Attacked.
I want to destroy everything in the world.




Visiting from far away.

Like walking out on an ice covered lake.
It's foreign to me and hard to comprehend my own movements.
Always in fear of the cracking ice beneath my feet.
Always near the point of tumbling into the darkness and drowning
all alone.
I always would tread softly.
Vastly aware of all the dreams set at my feet.
Mine having been trampled underfoot long ago.





Who made you the great decider of fates, man-child?

God could not trust you with such a massive undertaking.
Especially when your allways fighting and yelling at God with your fists clenched and tears in your eyes.



Me, a child of wonder and romantic fantasies.

Almost 30 years old does not count or come close to being a child.
Yet I fabricate lies as quickly as a little boy caught elbow deep in the cookie jar.
I pretend I am invisible like when I was little.
It must be working because when I smile they don't smile back anymore.

I just wanted to hold you dear so you could feel my old body and my teenage heart beating against your body of sweet, sexy, delicate and sex sweaty lies.



So, we meet again?

Her smile breaks me down, and I smile up at my pleasant death.





Blind please

We stand staring into one anothers eyes
deep and full of
fears, passions, resentments, tears.
And I can't tell if you are telling me "Love me" or "Leave me" anymore.
Your eyes are your mystery while mine give my every thought away...
my every emotion.
I was foolish to stare so long to begin with.



break apart

we break apart after tainted kisses on the verge of tears and laughter.





Sitting in traffic

Kids fighting in the backseat of a Toyota Sienna for over 20 minuets in front of me in traffic.
Past tinted glass I see little silhouettes ball their fists and attack over and over again.
Making me laugh over and over again.
An Indian couple behind me in traffic lean in from their seats meeting in the middle touching their heads together, then kiss...
pulling a sigh from my lungs.
Still, all in traffic.






blistered

my face is long and tired and full of thoughts that can't be controlled.
I think about Cat Stevens and how he lost his mind and let his musical spirit fade away because he converted to the Muslim religion and how many years later was banned from commercial airlines to fly to America due to suspected terrorist activity.




Captain's Heaven

When I think of heaven I can't visualize bright white light...
I think of an old room filled with antiques and soft dim light and soft old furniture.




8:05pm September 20th 2008

Kind of a hard day today.
Not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel...
in all honesty he was an angel... no pun intended.
I just felt vacant and misplaced...
as if not belonging anywhere.
But kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel.
We now, as I am writing this, are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas.
Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighter hats, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an endurance of strength match with a mallet. Me holding a blow up spider man mallet he won earlier in the same game.
Four crispy waters unopened and ready and one opened in each of our laps.
The stage crew is slowly getting things ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unrecognizable drum beat testing out the drums.
Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fireman's hat demands my attention so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down earlier on an amusement ride.
I put my pen don and listen to my best friend in this whole crazy wide world.





Undress Sundress

She stains my coths everytime.
But keeps coming back even though I am an aweful fuck.
What do I want out of this life?
What do I get?
Love
Sex
Penetration
Passion.
Hand holding?
Lip locked kisses?
And I bow out now.
This sleeper is waking the fuck up yo.



Prohibited

No Humor
No Love
No Joy
Restricted of human passions.
Leave your personality at home.





Bright Futures.

We have brought down the pain and the tears.
We have sunk into the honest retribution and apathy.
I have become living empathy.
Like a raw exposed nerve.
I can't close my eyes anymore because I fear the ghosts will be upon me with their wanting
eyes begging me with their soundless lips.
I just keep backing away from the nightmares and daydreams.
Praying for a better anything.
Until I have backed myself into a corner.
Fearing I will lose control at any second.


And God help me I think I have.


















more written that will be posted soonish.


Captain PirateFace

i am lost amigo's....
lost

no....

i am not


dead.

smart asses!

Love Captain PirateFace


For those of you reading this respond with a comment to this post, to this question I have...

"How did you hear about Pornography On The Radio?"


Witdow!

so... says the liar

I lied about updating the poetry stuff but will act on my promise soon yo.


the captain