such a simple little man

trapped in the body of a fatass.
______________________

I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "Brothers on a Hotel Bed".

I feel like I am just not succeding. I feel like the worlds biggest loser. I wish I could take care of my family but it seem's that I am just doomed to be a nothing. I can't get ahead. I am always one step behind. I pray to God my son grows up to be a better man than I am. sorry about the pitty party, I just feel really down and nobody wants to even attempt to help me out of this funk.

yeah...





______________________


The constant smiling is making a liar out of me.


time for the face to stop aching.
time for this fat face to relax.
time for the jaw to loosen up.
time for the teeth to stop grinding.

It's not that I am not being sincere.
I just lie to myself.

It's so much easier to fall down on the bed and cry.
a three hundred plus pound crash onto the bed,
letting out pathetic fat man sobs.
even the cat avoids this horrible display.
can you blame him?

____________________________________
old and tired post tonight

bye

c.pirateface

it looks like a smile?

"We must laugh before we are happy for fear of dying without laughing at all"

-Jean de La Bruyere-

I had fun with the Giddinge brothers today.
I miss Chris and will miss him a thousand times more after today.
The pro's and con's of having a best friend who is in active military service.


+++++++++++
laugh fool laugh


This grinning idiot.
Face hurts from smiling so hard and wide.
This foolish fool.
Lungs burn from the laugh out loud.
Even we have our moments of levity.
_____________________________

Petting Zoo


The animals looked hopelessly depressed today.
Fat and sad animals.
Staring us down and following with a gimme gimme hesitance.
It’s where animal lovers are reincarnated.
See if they can become people lovers.
Fly’s buzzing on the skin and eating away at the food flakes on the fur.

Goodnight.
The Captain.

a clean and pure feeling of hope.

this is not an attack.
this is not planes being flown at high speeds into office buildings. this is not a kind smile from the elderly checkout lady at 3am. this is not getting the girls phone number. this is not discovering a new band. this is not the rape and murder of a beauty pageant contestant. this is not watching a baby be born. this is not a love letter. this is not having your chest explode with a snipers bullet while filling up your gas tank. this is not watching the pizza mans collar bomb explode. this is not begging for sex. this is not paying for it either. this is not watching your mother cry. this is not putting flowers on a tomb stone. this is not electric hooded torture in a far off prison in a far off land. this is not an eating contest. this is not public rape. this is not seduction, sedation or breakfast in bed. this is not HALO 2. this is not funny or fun or sexy or slimming. this is not a super model gagging out the food after lunch before another shoot and another line. this is not crack cocaine and this is not a new pet puppy. this is not grandma and grandpa. this is not a child being stolen in the middle of the night. this is not man walking on the moon. this is not Lindsay Lohan's vagina. this is not a will. this is not a diary. this is not a healthy read. this is not love. this is not compassion or empathy. this is not an ad for the american heart association. this is not bam Margera getting paid bank to humiliate his parents. this is not a porn start writing a book. this is not George Lucas fucking up another star wars film. this is not SARS. this is not puberty. this is not Paris Hiltons singing career or her amature porn leaked on the internet. this is not the way to end wars. this is not Jim Jones watching his flock choke on the cyanide in their flavor-aid. this is not a test. What is this? I don't think I will ever know.

my lifeboat is sinking.....

Callow: Frightened and weak willed.

































"He who makes a beast of
himself gets rid of the pain of
being a man."

-Dr. Johnson
















I feel hopeless and sad. Things are getting harder every day. I feel like I am tumbling down a mountain and there is nobody to stop my fall. I just wish for one solitary moment things could just work out... Every one is always telling me "Don't worry things will be O.K." I ask now...When? I am just so damn sick of being a loser.






















Does she weep?
Do tears stain her sullen face?
Can she feel this heartache that she so willingly hands out?
Does she cry?
Lamenting this life that she never wanted.
This life that has never gone her way.
Does she sob?
When her heart is breaking and when her dreams are fading?
When she pulls down the dreams of others into the murky depths
Of her ship sunk heart?
Does she dab at her eyes with a bit of cloth?
Does she know I cry for her?
I sob for her.
I weep for her.
For us.
She will never know.
Having failed her, she cannot see past her sorrow.















Sunsets and murder and laughter and love

2 souls.
One travesty.
A heartbreak and a nervous laugh.
A murder, and devastating love letters.
A madness hell bent on the genocide of two souls in love.
The murder created no death.
The murderer was unaware of the foul deed.
The murdered woke up one day, no living soul.
Just shoulders slumped and a heavy dead heart.
One innocent crying out into the night.
Calling for affection. Answered by the weepy echo of a voice long forgotten.
A voice tinged with need.
The sun has set on these hearts.
The dead heart...
and the killer heart.
Covering these damned in blanketed darkness.
And the laughter ceased.



















A portait painted by callow hands

A sad faced girl.
Staring out a window on a rainy day.
Arms covered with scars and bruises.
Wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt.
Looking past the rain and the half dead grass.
Past the cracked sidewalk and past the dark looming clouds.
Past heaven and hell.
Looking for me.
Looking for you.
The thunder so loud it vibrates the window pane.
The vicious storm and the broken little heart.
The look of eyes that see ghosts.
A look that makes the ghosts turn away.
And if you look into her eyes...
you can see the heavens tremble.
you can see God cover his face with his hands in shame.

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Goodnight whoever you all may be.
I continue to look for buried treasure...


Yours truly,
Captain PirateFace

Relax--this won't hurt

Old man.... go be an old man.



So life has been all fucked as of late. I got fired from Paradise Park Recreation Center... The reason... "Lack of judgment". Here is the short version: I asked my supervisor a month ago if I could have a surprise party for Frank (My wife's cousin) and invite his friends... The Teen Leaders. His reply: "As long as you get parents permission and don't promote it as a county thing, it's alright with me." The party comes and all is well... Cake and pizza and soda. A few weeks later I am ready to go on the trip to Lee Canyon with some of the teens and I get a call from my female supervisor. I meet with her and she tells me that I can not go on the trip, because she claims a parent called and insisted that I am an immature, irresponsible Rec Leader, and that their child attended a party at my home where the teens were having inappropriate conversations. I tell her that my male supervisor gave me the ok for the party and that the teens were well behaved and that if a conversation with the teens was not appropriate I didn't hear anything bad. She tells me she will have to speak with my male supervisor and let me know what the outcome will be. It was a rough weekend. Monday comes and she tells me I am being fired... I won't get into the details of the conversation but I will tell you that she asked my male supervisor if he gave me an ok for the party and he denied ever having the conversation. Yes folks... He lied to save his own cowardly ass. The teens found out about my termination and became very upset. They have recently taken up a letter writing campaign to get me back, compensation or to out my supervisors as the villains they are. I now have a meeting this week with my supervisors (both) and their supervisor to discuss what can be done (possibly reinstatement to Clark County Parks and Rec). I have left out a grip of details, as everything is still pending and I don't want to completely bore you. Let me just say it has been an incredibly hard week with moments of real value... The teens willingness to fight for me and bear their souls and speak about me in the kindest respects both breaks my heart and makes me glow. I have an incredible amount of little brothers and sisters now... And no matter what happens will be there for them. Besides that I am psyched for Halloween (My home skillet Ben is sending me the most badass Halloween music set ever...It's badass because I made it!) and I am going to rock this Halloween with me boy. Gina is painting like a woman possessed... Getting ready for the October "First Friday" and my friend Matt is finishing up some awesome graphic design for a small 15 poem book we will be giving out (or selling?) this upcoming first Friday. Oh yeah, Also... My friend John Giddinge is preparing to film a short based on one of my poems, Titled: "Two cats purring in the night discussing life". Which I will include in tonight's brief poetic madness below. I hope all is well with all of you. Life has been one giant punch in the face lately but I feel like getting up for another punch and another and another and another...

Discuss this all over God damned dinner will ya? and now... On with the shite!


____________________________________________________________________







She looked like a victim to me.








What a beauty.

The wind brought dust throughout the valley today. And the setting sun shone through the dust while closing down in between the tall buildings at the center of our city. Bringing to mind "Zombie" and "End of the world" films. The night is cool and the sky looks like California rain... but we will never be that lucky. The wind has pushed out the heat from the valley. It is tolerable outside and has a pleasant wet sprinkler smell. The mail didn’t even bring bad news today. Most likely my atom bombs will drop tomorrow. I keep losing and smiling like an over relaxed buffoon. My parents raised a moron. Who loves the smell of sprinklers and cool air in the middle of a deadly and cruel world.

________________________________________________

















Relax--this won’t hurt

Kneeling on the ground.
Watching the tears slow motion tumble and explode on the concrete below.
Wondering if praying would help.
It never had before.
This one thing continues to plague me...
She plagues me.
I know the memory's won't fade away and I know the tears are on unlimited supply.
It's this soul I am pulling out every night.
Through the mouth and full of rotten black blood.
This soul is dying.
The Doctor and the Priest and her wicked smile all scream the same thing.
Relax, this won't hurt.
I survive by lies and deceptions and hope in that someday...
It won’t hurt
anymore.


_______________________________________________________


















Two cats purring in the night discussing life

The world is a big empty place with more ghosts then people. The world is small
and scary and filled with angry hateful people. Both statements seemed kind of
correct. God hates us and he lets little girls die and he allows rape and suicide.
God loves us and teaches us patience and guidance and will reward us for our
suffering. We should be saving ourselves not each other. We should be holding
hands and holding knives to each others throats warning "don't do it... I am here
and I will stop you." more sex less love more abortions less children less guns
more food more water. More love more sex more children better loving and living
and dying and more atomic bombs and more meat products and more music.
More prostitutes as psychologists... your getting fucked anyhow and who says a
whore cant solve humanity's problems? I loved and loved and loved and died for it.
I suffered for it. I fucked for it. Fornicated For it. Bled for it. Screamed for it. Called
out into the night for it. I was on my knees when the world collapsed. I was praying
and I was washing my hands and I was looking at a picture of Marilyn Monroe.
I saw angels descend on us all with swords drawn and tear filled eyes and I saw them
forgive us While striking down our wicked.

Your wicked.
What a happy accident we all must have been...
To our parents, to God, to the Mailmen who deliver our very existent.
I love you love. Lovers. Moms and dads. Sisters and brothers. Extended family.
Mankind and murderers. I love you Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Thank you for dying for us all.
All of you.
You did a hell of a job.

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Goodnight Scurvey Dogs... The Captain Loves Yah! And Yer Whores! HAR HAR HAR!!!























Captain PirateFace

We may be through with the past... But the past is not through with us.

It is one of those nights. Or, should I say... It "was" one of those nights. I can only say I have laughed very hard tonight, and I have cried. I am working on that small book of doom with the help of a partner. So now I am just sitting here to de-program listening to Jenny Lewis sing "Rabbit Fur Coat" having just finished "Magnolia" an hour or so earlier. I have had a few nightmares involving "dead" hands. Hands with twisted deformed fingers... Death colored and without attachment. I need a Dream analyst. Gina's art has been selling like crazy. We brought 60+ paintings this last "First Friday" and sold over 40. I am very proud of her. I wonder if she notices? I am doing shows now once a month at Cambridge and Paradise Recreation Centers. It's a nice change to actually get paid to do shows. For info on that check out www.myspace.com/piratepromotions. Well here is a bit of my latest ramblings. If you like hate or whatever please feel free to leave me a comment. Don't be afraid to be critical... It's the only way I will ever get to be a decent writer.

John A.K.A. Captain PirateFace
(Nearing the calm seas of sleep...Where the hell did my crew run off to?)


__________________________________________________________________


















A fight to the finish

She is just a reflection of what you wish you could be.
And you, you are all that she wants to control. Making the rest of the world obsolete to one another…
All life forms have faded into ghosts.
And the battles will be passion and blood.
Tears and sex sweat.
Until the world regains its light and vicious life.
When you both have been returned to your corners.
And your ash have been thrown into ocean winds
and placed on Mantle'’s like a strange trophy. "Now it'’s your turn"
the ghost's say collectively.




___________________________________________________________________
She reminds me of these wonderful things.



Old time movies.
Rainy day walks.
Soft happy piano keys.
Comfortable beds.
Good dreams.



___________________________________________________________________












Devil in a man suit playing God

Wave of the hands.
They all fell dead.
Snap of the fingers.
The bones danced splintering and cracking
around the room.
A wry smile and a wink.
The ladies blushed and the children cried.
A slamming fist on the pulpit.
The children choke and rot.
The waves crash against the sun.
The open stigmatic begging for your sins.
Bleeding on your best shirt.
The sin eater weeping and sobbing and snot dripping from the nose.
Clawing your way through a wood door with no handle.
Mistakes are being made and you just cant help but feel nervous
and...alive.
__________________________________________________________________














Where we have our own oceans and forests

When God steps down from the heavens and gives us
all we ever wanted.
We will all wake from a fevered dream.
Clutching our pillows and our eyes damp from tears.
God can make no promise.
It'’s lonely here without the need of touch.
Without the need of love.
All I ever wanted from you...
God...
Myself...
Was to never need again.
To be at peace with loneliness.


___________________________________________________________________


Goodnight.