ouch.

just when you think you are over a person a memory comes flooding in making your heart break ever so slightly all over again. being lonely is just... hard.

i guess it doesn't really help that i feel extra fucking pathetic by having my car repossessed and losing my apartment.

whatever

hey look at this...

Click on this for pure fun and enjoyment today ------> Adventure!!!

maggoty maggots

I had a dream I got in the shower and I found that maggot's were eating all my body hair.. now if this really was happening I would go ape shit. But in the dream I was trying to rational why it was o.k. that it was happening. And I was surrounded by a load of drunks trying to score with one another. what a stupid, weird dream.

better then ex-girlfriend dreams eh?

so...

if the good lord permit's...

how about a poem or two tonight? eh?

oh... and...

my heart is beating strong and the world is my playground so...

fuck you depression! you get my late nights and lonely moments... (hopefully) nothing else.

love

captain pirateface

a new hope

fuck being sad all the time. "I" have a new game plan to melt fucking faces and banish people straight to fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More info soon ;)

my cat.. The Captain

fuck.

i am so damn sad right now it hurts. like my stupid heart is dying.

my own damn fault.

here. i. am/was......

hello. i will be leaving vegas this upcoming friday and will not return until the 4th of july.
for those of you who give a shit.







i know i bitch quite openly, honestly and frequently... but i do want to say that even though things are rough i still have my beautiful son, Gabriel. And, i am still sober... no booze and no pain meds or muscle relaxers. i may be a broken hearted fuck up but at least i am trying to make some semblance of a normal life. as the Goonies would scream out into the night... "NEVER SAY DIE!!!" and that's how i plan to survive. maybe i will stick around just to piss people off eh?


i found that when you fall in love with somebody you tend to bring them places that mean a lot to you or places you frequent. now all those great places you "used" to love just brings on painful memories. I was swimming in the colorado river with two buddies out at nelson, nevada and all i could think about was her, her there with me before but mostly i thought about us playing in the tidepools together in san diego... also a place that hurts to think about.

it just sucks. a huge part of me would willingly sign up to have memories erased... all so i could go one damn day without hurting over her or crying over her. blah. like when i was walking in a park in seven hills with my son and a friend and suddenly realized i was staring at the bench her and i had our first date, and how she made me sing "shadow of the day" in her car. i know that there were plenty of bad times.. most my fault. but when you miss someone and feel broken hearted it's easy to think of the good times. hell... i can't bring myself to even get rid of her pictures... stupid bastard that i am...
there was a picture here i shouldn't have posted and i am sorry i did that.
nobody got angry with me, i just figured it might be slightly wrong.

(the way things used to be)

"Love"

a thought by captain pirateface

i never took love lightly. before i even understood it, i knew it was an amazing and powerful thing and wanted in on the secret... the secret i now wish i could forget. i believed in the dramatic kisses and faces wet with happy tears in all my favorite movies. even though i knew they were actor's and actresses i believed in the emotion's they convexed... their tears, embrace, passion and the only perfect love a Hollywood film could fake.

i couldn't wait.
now, i have been there several times. it has always ended up with me still in love and alone. i have held, kissed and loved these women in full belief that they were the last one i would ever share these things with again... i never thought of a real end.
i always fell in love for the long haul... forever. i believed in it so strongly i got hurt and left over and over again.
now here i am, yet again...
alone and in love.

nobody ever told me how to turn love off.

i wish they had.






__________________
your head is an open book, and it's loud and annoying.

will we meet in the clouds?
like high flying angels?
when i tell you "i love you" will you look deep into my eyes to look for a hint of a lie?
you should.
i breath in life and exhale, smelling rain mixed in lovingly with sin city desert.
i hope i never give up.
even though i know how fun and easy it is.























love, Captain PirateFace

p.s. life is fucking balls.


p.p.s. NEVER SAY DIE!

sick

you have to be an idiot to keep torturing yourself like this...

saw a picture of an ex today posted in May of this year, of said ex passed out with a bottle of alcohol...
this picture does not make me angry. or mad.
it makes me so fucking sad my stomach hurts right now.

and again...

i did this to myself.


you can't help who you miss. or love.
whatever.


She was so beautiful and pure, even after the mess our lives had become...
i hope she hasn't turned into that girl she so desperately despised...

i wish i could just stop thinking about her, it's so fucking painful. and not in a "tortured artist" sense of the word. it truly hurts my heart to think about her. if i write more... i can't even try to write about her more tonight. it's as if there is a black hole in my heart, that sucks the very life and love from me. fuck fuck fuck... this sucks. 5 months since she left and it still feels like yesterday. fuck... at least i am still sober... right? whatever.




The long summer has started..
























Going to Buffalo with my dad for 16 days... maybe i will find peace thousands of miles away from this shit shitty sin city.

My apartment is gone. My cat is about to be gone. It all just kinda fucking sucks now don't it?

fuck.








____________________________________________________________________

new writing soon-ish for those that actually give a flying fuck.

hey... nice emptiness!

so whatchya think.




























had a dream about an ex-girlfriend the other day... I dreamed that she had her arms wrapped around me and was holding me in bed. She held on to me and told me she didn't regret the decision to leave me and that she did not love me anymore... she smiled and held me even tighter.


i woke up sobbing.

and couldn't get under control for a few hours....



and that's all for now.

oh no

sad

one of the saddest things i have ever seen
has to be the McDonalds Resteraunt
inside a Wal-Mart Super Center.
Dead wally world employee's...
chomping away on McFattyBurgers and
grease soaked fries.
White trash eating white trash...food.
i order 3 cookies for 99 cents!!!









left standing

she asked me...
"a little sunshine in your rain?"
and i fell in love...
in love with a made up girl.
a girl who cannot exist.
she say's these cute little things everytime i daydream
us a moment away from reality.
here...
she is perfect
and loves me.

and never leaves me.

then reality dissipates my fleeting bit of make believe.
and i am left standing alone.
alone with love and aching for a girl that will never exist...
a girl that truly loves me.








POET SPEAKS TO YOU!!! THE READER!!! jazzed yet?

i used to breath fire!!!
at least i like to pretend i did.
i have always been this big, klutzy pussy cat.
The guy the gals could go to with their fella problems...
except not gay.
though... with the lack of ladies in my life who wouldn't think it
at least once... right?
listen, i love the ladies...
i do.
it's just that the above mentioned "ladies" don't have any love for me.
well, i gotta go pick up decoration's for my "Pity Party"..
i might as well even get the "Wah Wahs!!" to play...
who knows?
right?



Captain PirateFace





still chasing the "one's" that got away...

well... hello there stupid.

The better part of the morning was spent crying.
yes... i said crying.
been having a rough week...
rough as far as missing someone who could care if i was alive or dead.
missing her every damn day and anytime "anything" reminds me of her.
she doesn't even think about me... and it makes me sad.
i want all these poor women who have loved me to be happy once they have gone and broke my fucking heart... i really do...

now i just don't know what to do.

with me.

i have done all that was told of me to do...
clean up, bust ass at work, be a good dad, be a good friend...
everyone told me, you do these things and life rewards you.



i call bullshit.



i have been, and am doing all these things and it certainly seems to be constantly raining shit.
the girl i fell in love with left me. again. and again... i loved each one and each one left.
yes ladies... i am single! sign up here and please try to maintain a line... i know there are a slew of you (sarcasm for those of you going... huh?). girls don't want me. i am the interesting and caring "John your so great and i wish my asshole boyfriend was more like you" friend. and that is all i ever am, the sympathetic and interesting (i.e. "weird") friend you keep around so you have stories to tell later that day.

i know i do this to myself... but tell me how to turn off the caring and love and need for a person you practically breathed in for 2 1/2 years and i will gladly comply...



nobody should have to feel this sad and hurt.

nobody should have to feel this way....

even a mundane pirate such as myself.






love,

captain pirateface

i just want to be alone today

just past the surf... the sea creature drags me down slowly to my death...

well then...

hello.

how are you fine people i pretend to talk to when i update my blog?

fine.

good.

i guess it's time to proceed.

____________________________________________________________________

Oh Baleen!

My sea Goddess!!!
My Enchanting mermaid!!
I want to crash around in the ocean surf with you.

I want to dine in fine krill restaurants.

We will go buffet and you can chow down as much as you like!
May the tides push us together forever...

* Baleen Whales can eat up to four tons of small fish and krill in one day

she haunts me while i cease to be

every where i go

even when i retreat into the darkness of closed eyelids,

she is there.

every time i drop my guard...

her face comes to mind...

and i hate it.

i hate the taunting beauty i miss so terribly.

it's time i said goodbye and meant it...

i am ready.

if you would just kindly remove your hand from my heart.
is it love or torture or both?

who fucking knows....

right?











My sun implodes leaving this galaxy vacant and dead.

Dramatic Title:

Check

Black, runny, dramatic ink:

Check

Soundtrack of misery choice for the evening, Portishead:
Check
"It was gonna be God Damn beautiful"

he thought.

He wrote Hallmark Cards.

Knuckle fucking a stranger as a means to say...
"Hello Sweetheart!"

Hey silly poet, here's a band-aid for that bum ticker... alright scooter?

i drive everyone i love away.
i wish i was normal.
i wish i wasn't a loser.
i wish i hadn't fucked up half my life.

my world is falling apart...

and i am trying so damn hard.

i am holding on.

but do not know if i can much longer.

struggle kills hearts and souls.
i want to love and be loved.
oh dear god i am going to die alone...

but not without a damn fight.

the captain's defeat... and rebirth.

i am walking around again.
the living dead.
i am the walking wounded,
battle scars exposed to the world.

making the normals wince.
i stare out to sea
looking past dark waves
slowly making way up the shore

like black ink exploding into bone white foam.
the waves gentle lull, a peaceful whisper in rhythm with my heart.
i watch for my ship.
i watch in restlessness, eyes wide open nearly unblinking.
i watch for the ship that sank long ago in sight of land,
to ferry my tired soul to calm, dark, peaceful places.
i finally close my eyes and collapse

and dream...

dream...

dream.

it's always about you John...

i hear the faint sound of Halloween songs in my head.
i stare at old photo's, working up old memory tears.
i sing my own lyrics to the compositions of Beethoven and Chopin,
butchering their beauty with my broken hearted verses.
i hold my own hand because nobody else wants the job.
i write juvenile poetry in blue composition books filled with
my certifiable chicken scratch.
i see beauty in love in everyone and everything...
even though i am constantly let down.

i live in a desert and crave the ocean so bad i could scream.

i will become rainclouds and add pure drama to your dreary day.

i love more than i will ever get to be loved in my lifetime.
we all fail a little bit...
i guess.

Oh Love, give me just one more chance..
i wont fail you again...
(fingers crossed)

_-_-_-___----_________-------__-_--_________----________

not much to say. feeling pretty lonely these days... more so than usual.

i miss tania.

see you later.

Captain PirateFace

p.s.s.s.s.s.s.sssssssssssssssssss555555

Some of these may have made it into a previous post. If any did... sorry... Effin' Sue Me Aight!?!?!

I just can't stop thinking about how fucking happy you all want me to be!!!

hello all. how are we doing? i am just doing great. sleeping all the time makes me happy.
Things have been at an astounding stand still for me. i don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I go home. sit. sleep. repeat workday. my fucking computer is busted. good times abound. tonight i get to actually do stuff. my mommy is going to cut zee hair and i am to walk the windy path with the always vocal Gideon. Good times abound. it's kind of depressing but that is all that is going on right now...fuck.














we might say things we never meant

and we did didn't we?
i would hurt you bad with words that never should have been let loose.
i would try to destroy you with words when i got upset, or felt stupid, or weak, or.....
afraid.
i never hit you or cheated but those damn words probably hurt more than anything.
i know why she left.
i know why they left.
i am so sorry to you all.

well, nice guys truly finish last.

Always the rescuing knight... never the prince.

















































i miss you so much... i wish you would have never left me.
now i just don't know what to do with myself anymore...
i am truly, truly lost...

coming to the conclusion that nobody likes you.

spent the better part of the morning crying in the bathroom...
fuck.
it

i invited people over for my birthday last night.. nobody came.

so pathetic its almost silly.


i guess she went out and got a new tatoo last night... i didnt want to know, but was informed regardless. everytime i think about her i miss her...
i dont fucking care what her new tatoo is and i dont want to know. at all.

i have decided last night i give up... not that i plan on suicide, i just give up on people.
i try to not be alone and make new friends but always end up by myself. like last night.

i will now go through life understanding and trying to embrace the fact that i an an unloved, unloveable cave troll.





heres a poem!


The Secret of Life.



run.









fuck it all
love,
Captain PirateFace

flailing and falling. or fuck it! Howsabout both asshole!

it's here and now that the fire starts.

too hot to touch and it brings death instantly and painlessly.

watch it dance.

_




I guess I will be making it to my date of birth after all.... yay.



tomorrow I update with oldies and newbies... so.


FUCKING BRACE YOURSELF FOOL!!!!!!!!!

....

Is it weird i have a strange worry that i may not make it to my 30th birthday.
soooo many people that know me never knew it was possible for me to mak it this far.

as The Beatles sang...

"It's getting better all the time!"


isn't it?


shouldn't it?

just a thought

love cappy

Caaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooooou diiiiiiiig iiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!

Tonight at house of blues...

Kid Meets Cougar


me and my boy are going.

be there or be a square.


"Baby, you know you dig it the most."