and when the day ends, who are we really anyway?

"You changed all the lead... sleeping in my head to gold."

i just ran into and old "thing" i wrote and wanted to re-post it here for my own self serving satisfaction...

This is not what you think

this is not an attack.

this is not planes being flown at high speeds into office buildings. this is not a kind smile from the elderly checkout lady at 3am. this is not getting the girls phone number. this is not discovering a new band. this is not the rape and murder of a beauty pageant contestant. this is not watching a baby be born. this is not a love letter. this is not having your chest explode with a snipers bullet while filling up your gas tank. this is not watching the pizza mans collar bomb explode. this is not begging for sex. this is not paying for it either. this is not watching your mother cry. this is not putting flowers on a tomb stone. this is not electric hooded torture in a far off prison in a far off land. this is not an eating contest. this is not public rape. this is not seduction, sedation or breakfast in bed. this is not HALO 2. this is not funny or fun or sexy or slimming. this is not a super model gagging out the food after lunch before another shoot and another line. this is not crack cocaine and this is not a new pet puppy. this is not grandma and grandpa. this is not a child being stolen in the middle of the night. this is not man walking on the moon. this is not Lindsay Lohan's vagina. this is not a will. this is not a diary. this is not a healthy read. this is not love. this is not compassion or empathy. this is not an ad for the american heart association. this is not bam Margera getting paid bank to humiliate his parents. this is not a porn start writing a book. this is not George Lucas fucking up another star wars film. this is not SARS. this is not puberty. this is not Paris Hiltons singing career or her amature porn leaked on the internet. this is not the way to end wars. this is not Jim Jones watching his flock choke on the cyanide in their flavor-aid. this is not a test. What is this? I don't think I will ever know.

So... My head is hurting today.... i feel haggard and down. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me....

i feel like i can't help the people i love... not because i don't wan't to... i am just to stupid to figure out how....

so my purpose? who knows... how can one have a  purpose? or is it "Captain Useless" from here on out... 

sorry

Waging war on my soul

my head is tired

swimming 

I cannot seem to keep a solid hold on the world around me...

i feel lost.

how can you save them all when you can't save yourself?

Even now as the stomach bleeds and the head aches and the tears well up...

all the dramatics provide no answer... no clear direction..

just wrapped up in darkness and sinking in the mire...

like i always do.

captain loserface