hi there... is anybody reading this friggin' blog or what? is it all just misdirected traffic? do most people stumble upon my shitty little blog whilst looking for odd kinds of pornography? hmmm??? someday's i wake up filled with hope and optimism. other's... not so much. i feel like a god damn human yo-yo. It would just be incredibly nice to hold someone again. I know it would do wonders for my attitude.
Also... guess what? Today was just like
yesterday and the day
before and the day before,
etc...
somehow all very familiar.
Still "planning" on going to California the beginning of April. Hoping doofus will get his crap together so's i don't go on this journey solo.Still terribly alone and lonely... just living a quiet, boring, almost friendless, absolutely loveless life. yay for the captain. i think the problem is i have far too much alone time... and not being able to stand myself you can kinda see the dilemma. Can't run away from who you are... what you look like... how your perceived... just gotta live with the knowledge that i might just be alone for the rest of my life. i have been on one date in a year... 1... not two, not three... one. There are no lines forming at my door. And... AND!!! Not to be "dirty" but not only have i been single a year this very month... it's been over a year since any sweet booty shaking love making either... damn. That just made me ten times more depressed. damn.
At lease these fella's were never lonely right?
and now... for something that might pass as poetry... "might"
the left behind finally get the clue and step back into the shadows
i don't know what to say anymore.
my scream has become a faint whisper.
my voice comes out distant and full of nonsense.
now i am a ghost.
struggling to be heard.
banging against walls and whispering little things
to myself as i drift off to sleep.
while i know your dreaming about everything but me.
Blending humor into tragedy, or: Blending tragedy into humor.
the tragic comic
so damn many of us...
so... funny.
crazy
stupid
dying
sad
but still..
so funny!
Lenny Bruce died overdosing on misery to tell the final punchline...
nobody got it.
though, they thought they did.
us clowns...
us jokers...
we smile through the pain, "our" pain.
we sift through and use our pain.
and if we didn't laugh at all the nonsense and the bullshit...
we would just sit around and weep.
But a bunch of crybaby losers isn't nearly as hysterical as a
bunch of self deprecating crazy people... right?
i promise i am laughing with "you", and "at" this silly little world
that never ceases to amaze me, and nearly always let's me down.
'the only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you,'
'They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.'
-Meister Eckhart-
have you made your peace?
Kisses..
Love The Captain
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