Yikes.
What a heading eh? CHRIST O'MIGHTY!
Spell check said that "O'MIGHTY" is misspelled.... I beg to differ.
So as you can plainly see... I am not dead yet. Yipee.
Tomorrow I shall hunt for the Egg's that the Christ Rabbit hid with my tiger of a son. And we shall feast on the un-born egg boiled inside it's shell and worship at the feat of the great fucking big bunny-god. Amen and yep.
too many noises in this house.
chripes.
ok turn off tv man.
turn off down low.
down
looooooooooooooooooow.
shabang.
doowop.
debweidewbop.
check out later post's for more inner peace and some bit of sense.
there is no fear here
there is a fear here
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
searching through darkness to find a light I may never, ever find...
I have been not in my head lately and feel that I am ready to collapse. I have been doing things I swore I would never do and act in ways I swore I would never act. Like several people rolled up into one strange animal that walks this world, always weary and always ready for a fight with bloodied meat between my teeth. I feel like I don't have a home. My voice is being quieted more and more and I feel like I need to scream. But I cant. I cant let the whole world know how crazy this lunatic has become. What challenges lay ahead for me? It almost seems like death is innevitable. Like I am pre-disposed to die at this young but old feeling age. By my hand or by accident I am not too sure, but the end reult feels all the same to me. No more me. No more vile lunatic. No more oafish asshole. No more sarcasm and failing witty banter. No more crying. No more fearing. No more dissapointing. I just want to be me again and that is damn hard to do when I never knew who I was to begin with. I am so tired all the time now. I only laugh with a drink in my stomache or a chemicle in my blood. I mostly frown and have no strength to do anything of importance anymore. "What about your son?" He should be enough that I just force positive change in my heart and soul and I feel that I am a bastard because I cannot force that change. I love my boy with all my heart and would die for him... maybe I am supposed to die for him? Would he be better off in this world without me... probably. It might be better to live in a world without me and just an idea of who I was... a memory. It would be good for him if it where true with not just me but most of his dishelved and stark raving mad family if we all just up and dissapeared. My poor son... with parents like his what chance does he have? In a world like this?
Both his mother and I are sick and do nothing to get better. What can be done to save his soul?
God I hope something...
Both his mother and I are sick and do nothing to get better. What can be done to save his soul?
God I hope something...
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
as my world collapses around me...
Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails posted this recently on NIN.COM
"Towards the beginning of my career in Nine Inch Nails, our biggest break came in the form of an invitation to perform a series of shows with Jane's Addiction. These performances essentially created and defined the term "alternative" rock in the US, created an ongoing festival franchise that is still thriving (Lollapalooza), set the stage for Nirvana to shift popular taste a few months later, and were really fucking FUN to play and attend - truly the best times I've had. The shows were epic. So epic, they propelled NIN to the "next level" (whatever that means), but caused Jane's to implode. The band broke up at the end of that tour.Fast forward to the present. Corporate rock STILL sucks. A friend tells me they saw the original Jane's lineup play a tiny show in LA that was unbelievable. I break out my Jane's records and am amazed by how vital they sound. These guys were the real deal and in this current climate mostly dominated by poseurs and pussies it was refreshing to hear something that sounded dangerous, volatile, beautiful and SINCERE.Emails were sent, phone calls were made, dinner was arranged, ideas were discussed and the next thing I know we're in the studio experimenting. We laugh, we get to know each other, we cry, we yell, we almost quit, we record LOTS of guitar solos, we discuss, we actually begin to all communicate, we yell some more, we become FRIENDS, we laugh again and we do some great things. I get to see first hand why they broke up all those years ago but I also get the chance to see four distinct personalities that become an INCREDIBLE band when they're in the same room.In NIN world, 2009 marks the 20th anniversary of our first releases. I've been thinking for some time now it's time to make NIN disappear for a while. Last year's "Lights in the Sky" tour was something I'm quite proud of and seems like the culmination of what I could pull off in terms of an elaborate production. It was also quite difficult to pull off technically and physically night after night and left us all a bit dazed. After some thought, we decided to book a last run of shows across the globe this year. The approach to these shows is quite different from last year - much more raw, spontaneous and less scripted. Fun for us and a different way for you to see us and wave goodbye. I reached out to Jane's to see if they'd want to join us across the US and we all felt it could be a great thing. Will it work? Will it resonate in the marketplace? Who knows. Is there big record label marketing dollars to convince you to attend? Nope.Does it feel right to us and does it seem like it will be fun for us and you? Yes it does.Look for tour dates soon and I hope to see you out there.
Trent"
If this means no more Nine Inch Nails I am a very sad man.
Other than that things are as they always are.... pure shit.
I am broke. I am sad. I am being vilified by my soon to be ex-wife. But... whatever.
I shouldn't expect more than this, should I?
an old post on an old blog:
May 1st, 2007 at 10:46 am
One of my fondest memories as a boy was the time me and a few buddies climbed “Frenchman Mountain” in Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas is a rough place to grow up if you have a love for outdoor adventure, as the temperature rises up to and above one hundred and fifteen degrees. So, we rarely ventured out during those blistering summer months. We had decided on a Friday night that we were going to climb (conquer) the large mountain that sat behind our collected neighborhoods. We woke up early on a Saturday morning and picked up the necessary supplies. In my brilliance, while my two friends brought water, a flare gun, cell phone and tinder sticks… My necessity was copious amounts of “Beef Jerky” and Mountain Dew. Suffice to say I was dying of thirst after we got about half way up the mountain. Luckily my two good buddies brought extra water, foreseeing my inability to plan for an outdoor adventure. We climbed the face of that mountain and it took about half a day to reach it’s summit, but when we did… man oh man! The most spectacular view of Las Vegas you could ever imagine. We spent two hours at the top talking about life, girls, our hopes and dreams. We then began to descend. Being inexperienced climbers we spent most of our remaining day sliding down the mountain on our bottoms, thus tearing apart our worn blue jeans. By the time we just reached the bottom the sun was beginning to set. We later found out that if we had asked the older brother of one friend, he would of told us about a trail that set's roughly behind the mountain and brings you up to almost the exact same place we had reached by climbing the face of the mountain (with no climbing gear either). But, I wouldn’t have traded our mistake for the easy way for all the riches in the world. Our climb that day remains one of my very most cherished memories.
So... life is funny like that I guess...
Talk at you later...
The Captain
"Towards the beginning of my career in Nine Inch Nails, our biggest break came in the form of an invitation to perform a series of shows with Jane's Addiction. These performances essentially created and defined the term "alternative" rock in the US, created an ongoing festival franchise that is still thriving (Lollapalooza), set the stage for Nirvana to shift popular taste a few months later, and were really fucking FUN to play and attend - truly the best times I've had. The shows were epic. So epic, they propelled NIN to the "next level" (whatever that means), but caused Jane's to implode. The band broke up at the end of that tour.Fast forward to the present. Corporate rock STILL sucks. A friend tells me they saw the original Jane's lineup play a tiny show in LA that was unbelievable. I break out my Jane's records and am amazed by how vital they sound. These guys were the real deal and in this current climate mostly dominated by poseurs and pussies it was refreshing to hear something that sounded dangerous, volatile, beautiful and SINCERE.Emails were sent, phone calls were made, dinner was arranged, ideas were discussed and the next thing I know we're in the studio experimenting. We laugh, we get to know each other, we cry, we yell, we almost quit, we record LOTS of guitar solos, we discuss, we actually begin to all communicate, we yell some more, we become FRIENDS, we laugh again and we do some great things. I get to see first hand why they broke up all those years ago but I also get the chance to see four distinct personalities that become an INCREDIBLE band when they're in the same room.In NIN world, 2009 marks the 20th anniversary of our first releases. I've been thinking for some time now it's time to make NIN disappear for a while. Last year's "Lights in the Sky" tour was something I'm quite proud of and seems like the culmination of what I could pull off in terms of an elaborate production. It was also quite difficult to pull off technically and physically night after night and left us all a bit dazed. After some thought, we decided to book a last run of shows across the globe this year. The approach to these shows is quite different from last year - much more raw, spontaneous and less scripted. Fun for us and a different way for you to see us and wave goodbye. I reached out to Jane's to see if they'd want to join us across the US and we all felt it could be a great thing. Will it work? Will it resonate in the marketplace? Who knows. Is there big record label marketing dollars to convince you to attend? Nope.Does it feel right to us and does it seem like it will be fun for us and you? Yes it does.Look for tour dates soon and I hope to see you out there.
Trent"
If this means no more Nine Inch Nails I am a very sad man.
Other than that things are as they always are.... pure shit.
I am broke. I am sad. I am being vilified by my soon to be ex-wife. But... whatever.
I shouldn't expect more than this, should I?
an old post on an old blog:
May 1st, 2007 at 10:46 am
One of my fondest memories as a boy was the time me and a few buddies climbed “Frenchman Mountain” in Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas is a rough place to grow up if you have a love for outdoor adventure, as the temperature rises up to and above one hundred and fifteen degrees. So, we rarely ventured out during those blistering summer months. We had decided on a Friday night that we were going to climb (conquer) the large mountain that sat behind our collected neighborhoods. We woke up early on a Saturday morning and picked up the necessary supplies. In my brilliance, while my two friends brought water, a flare gun, cell phone and tinder sticks… My necessity was copious amounts of “Beef Jerky” and Mountain Dew. Suffice to say I was dying of thirst after we got about half way up the mountain. Luckily my two good buddies brought extra water, foreseeing my inability to plan for an outdoor adventure. We climbed the face of that mountain and it took about half a day to reach it’s summit, but when we did… man oh man! The most spectacular view of Las Vegas you could ever imagine. We spent two hours at the top talking about life, girls, our hopes and dreams. We then began to descend. Being inexperienced climbers we spent most of our remaining day sliding down the mountain on our bottoms, thus tearing apart our worn blue jeans. By the time we just reached the bottom the sun was beginning to set. We later found out that if we had asked the older brother of one friend, he would of told us about a trail that set's roughly behind the mountain and brings you up to almost the exact same place we had reached by climbing the face of the mountain (with no climbing gear either). But, I wouldn’t have traded our mistake for the easy way for all the riches in the world. Our climb that day remains one of my very most cherished memories.
So... life is funny like that I guess...
Talk at you later...
The Captain
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
have you ever seen the light
I feel as if I just can't seem to move beyond this unmovable rut.
I feel as if (and this has nothing to do with "suicide" so nobody panic and start calling help lines) my time on this earth is running short, like I am almost done or maybe outlived and expiration date
labeled someplace on my soul.
My medication won't be ready for pick up until Friday which = Balls.
I started taking Lexapro to help with my Bi-Polar mood fuck ups...
I am not really sure as to how I truly feel about this but we will see.
I wish I had more friends, at times I feel very lonely and that kind of adds a bit more craziness to the neurotic feelings I already have.
Here is some brand spankin' new poems by yours truly made up on the spot... and remember, it has to hurt if it's to heal.
A ray of sunshine!
I never could understand how you could smile at the sky and swear up and down that it was
beautiful just for us...
How the stars were ours
and the half moon in all it's Cheshire Cat smile glory was hanging in the sky
all due to our love and acknowledgement.
But not anymore.
I hope your stars still shine for you.
I hope your moon still hangs in the darkness over your head...
And, I truly hope with all my heart that it still makes you smile.
Baby, I'm your man.
I may be a mess baby.
all scars and sore bones and ugly face...
is all for you.
My fist clenched tight with my heart buried deep within my palm,
My eyes wet with sentimentality and fear
and the way I mumble through my words...
all for you darling.
This boat may be leaking but I will swallow away the sea water for you.
This cloud may be raining and the lightning may be flashin' but I will shield you
from the oncoming storm.
This road may be lonely and the path may be rough, but baby...
I can't stop to smell the roses when you are that much closer with every step.
Baby, I'm your man.
The lost tears of the last time I cried.
p.s.
Brandon, makes me cry.... yo.
I feel as if (and this has nothing to do with "suicide" so nobody panic and start calling help lines) my time on this earth is running short, like I am almost done or maybe outlived and expiration date
labeled someplace on my soul.
My medication won't be ready for pick up until Friday which = Balls.
I started taking Lexapro to help with my Bi-Polar mood fuck ups...
I am not really sure as to how I truly feel about this but we will see.
I wish I had more friends, at times I feel very lonely and that kind of adds a bit more craziness to the neurotic feelings I already have.
Here is some brand spankin' new poems by yours truly made up on the spot... and remember, it has to hurt if it's to heal.
A ray of sunshine!
I never could understand how you could smile at the sky and swear up and down that it was
beautiful just for us...
How the stars were ours
and the half moon in all it's Cheshire Cat smile glory was hanging in the sky
all due to our love and acknowledgement.
But not anymore.
I hope your stars still shine for you.
I hope your moon still hangs in the darkness over your head...
And, I truly hope with all my heart that it still makes you smile.
Baby, I'm your man.
I may be a mess baby.
all scars and sore bones and ugly face...
is all for you.
My fist clenched tight with my heart buried deep within my palm,
My eyes wet with sentimentality and fear
and the way I mumble through my words...
all for you darling.
This boat may be leaking but I will swallow away the sea water for you.
This cloud may be raining and the lightning may be flashin' but I will shield you
from the oncoming storm.
This road may be lonely and the path may be rough, but baby...
I can't stop to smell the roses when you are that much closer with every step.
Baby, I'm your man.
The lost tears of the last time I cried.
p.s.
Brandon, makes me cry.... yo.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
my god how my patience wanes.
I am at work right now and I could easily snap today as my patience is at it's very limitied.
Why do people think they deserve things they have not worked for?
What kind of fucking bullshit is that eh?
I am so fucking sick of being bled fucking dry.
But what the fuck ever.
I don't fucking care anymore.
I am just sick to death of people trying to fuck me over at every point.
every
fucking
day.
I hate feeling mad and annoyed like this.
I just have this feeling I am getting screwed over all the time.
fuck it.
I am trying to keep calm and breath, breath, breath through my nose and feel it rise in my chest. And I am trying not to come unglued. I am trying not to lose my cool and explode. I want to scream and cry and lose my God damn mind but I am trying to remain calm.
breathing in.
breathin out.
breathing in.
breathing out.
oh and here is some writing...
Keeping Calm.
Eaten alive?
Smiling into the face of unknown voids and
deep dark chasms.
Be a Hero.
Be Brave.
Be a man little boy...
Just for one night.
Breath.
Why do people think they deserve things they have not worked for?
What kind of fucking bullshit is that eh?
I am so fucking sick of being bled fucking dry.
But what the fuck ever.
I don't fucking care anymore.
I am just sick to death of people trying to fuck me over at every point.
every
fucking
day.
I hate feeling mad and annoyed like this.
I just have this feeling I am getting screwed over all the time.
fuck it.
I am trying to keep calm and breath, breath, breath through my nose and feel it rise in my chest. And I am trying not to come unglued. I am trying not to lose my cool and explode. I want to scream and cry and lose my God damn mind but I am trying to remain calm.
breathing in.
breathin out.
breathing in.
breathing out.
oh and here is some writing...
Keeping Calm.
Eaten alive?
Smiling into the face of unknown voids and
deep dark chasms.
Be a Hero.
Be Brave.
Be a man little boy...
Just for one night.
Breath.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
so as the fucking gigantic assfuck of a world turns...
my car is dead.
long live the car.
my life.......................
rocks.
hey guess what?!?!?
SOME POETRY YO!!!
Enjoy the stink of it's raw shittiness....
Oval
There has been so much terror behind these eyes
I have used my tears to wash my vision clean.
And now I finally write.
And it brings real pain to my hand with it's
lactic acid and heartache.
One for the devil child (Gabriel) in waiting
In winter's cold biting air I wait for my favorite
Tasmanian Devil to exit the learning facility he
so eagerly terrorizes.
I wait and can't wait...
Missing him so bad the mess he will emerge in will
be no bother at all.
Crazy (under the bridge with the fat ass trolls)
We build insanity on Love...
And love, on insanity.
It's what keeps us eagerly waiting in the middle of
a freezing night, standing under a car port.
And this misbegotten love pumps blood...
Warm blood into my heart.
I stand here like the lunatic I have fought through
the heartache to become.
Madonna
As we prepare for moments we are unprepared for, I look to my
saintly lady and she prays for my salvation.
Absolution will only come through the victory of all that is set to destroy
everything I have ever wanted to be.
Dirty Sluts make the whole God damned world go round.
He loved himself a methwhore spitting out raw poetry and teeth
while screaming down the moon.
He loved himself that charming scared girl in her black attire and
her always present stories of failed suicide attempts and vicious razor
scars up and down her legs and arms.
Old Cat
Grey and white old lady cat gets comfortable on my lap.
She purrs with her little old voice letting out a small raspy
meow every once and a while.
I run my hand down her head and back feeling her old bones
sticking out.
That's all she is now...
Skin and old bones, and full fur that makes her look far younger
than she really is.
When I was a teenage boy and the world seemed so hard and stacked
against me, I knew I could always cry to her and she would lovingly
rub her head on my face to wipe away the tears and rub a gracious amount
of fur into my eyes and mouth bringing on small allergy attacks.
I look at her now almost 15 years later and I can't imagine this world
without her...
As her little white hairs get stuck beneath the keys of the keyboard as I type,
type, type away.
For Baby, Love Johnny
Call Girl
I felt like a "Lucky Guy"
Whatever the fuck that meant.
I had a slightly used beautiful girl hanging on my every
over thought words.
And it didn't even bother me that she was paid by the hour.
Devil Child Part Two
I stand outside sniffing the air, it smells cold out today
with a hint of Mexican food.
The sky is an amazing blue with a scattered cloud here and there,
fucking up the near perfect sky.
I ready myself for the most dangerous child in known history...
My little man, Gabriel.
I am patient and know that his day will be that much more chaotic
and fun when I hand him his $1 Ninja sword I am holding under my arm.
Life is just perfect beautiful sometimes.
Washing all my blues away.
gone.
I am looking through cracked windows and trying to capture her
smile one last time in my fading memory.
And every window is dark or boarded up or are too dirty to see through.
Knowing all the while there will never be a smile on her face again.
Understanding the infinite annoyance of being a writer.
(well, at least pretending too)
Can I live up to the Olympian challenge of life?
I can strive for these fingers to be torpedo's and rocket's
blasting and exploding hot burning ink all over the paper.
Madman laughter spitting little bit's of teeth with every cackle in
my thick headed skull.
Trying to fill this writers body with a wee bit of soul.
Well kiddies it isn't much but let me know what ya think.
Milk and Kisses
Captain PirateFace
long live the car.
my life.......................
rocks.
hey guess what?!?!?
SOME POETRY YO!!!
Enjoy the stink of it's raw shittiness....
Oval
There has been so much terror behind these eyes
I have used my tears to wash my vision clean.
And now I finally write.
And it brings real pain to my hand with it's
lactic acid and heartache.
One for the devil child (Gabriel) in waiting
In winter's cold biting air I wait for my favorite
Tasmanian Devil to exit the learning facility he
so eagerly terrorizes.
I wait and can't wait...
Missing him so bad the mess he will emerge in will
be no bother at all.
Crazy (under the bridge with the fat ass trolls)
We build insanity on Love...
And love, on insanity.
It's what keeps us eagerly waiting in the middle of
a freezing night, standing under a car port.
And this misbegotten love pumps blood...
Warm blood into my heart.
I stand here like the lunatic I have fought through
the heartache to become.
Madonna
As we prepare for moments we are unprepared for, I look to my
saintly lady and she prays for my salvation.
Absolution will only come through the victory of all that is set to destroy
everything I have ever wanted to be.
Dirty Sluts make the whole God damned world go round.
He loved himself a methwhore spitting out raw poetry and teeth
while screaming down the moon.
He loved himself that charming scared girl in her black attire and
her always present stories of failed suicide attempts and vicious razor
scars up and down her legs and arms.
Old Cat
Grey and white old lady cat gets comfortable on my lap.
She purrs with her little old voice letting out a small raspy
meow every once and a while.
I run my hand down her head and back feeling her old bones
sticking out.
That's all she is now...
Skin and old bones, and full fur that makes her look far younger
than she really is.
When I was a teenage boy and the world seemed so hard and stacked
against me, I knew I could always cry to her and she would lovingly
rub her head on my face to wipe away the tears and rub a gracious amount
of fur into my eyes and mouth bringing on small allergy attacks.
I look at her now almost 15 years later and I can't imagine this world
without her...
As her little white hairs get stuck beneath the keys of the keyboard as I type,
type, type away.
For Baby, Love Johnny
Call Girl
I felt like a "Lucky Guy"
Whatever the fuck that meant.
I had a slightly used beautiful girl hanging on my every
over thought words.
And it didn't even bother me that she was paid by the hour.
Devil Child Part Two
I stand outside sniffing the air, it smells cold out today
with a hint of Mexican food.
The sky is an amazing blue with a scattered cloud here and there,
fucking up the near perfect sky.
I ready myself for the most dangerous child in known history...
My little man, Gabriel.
I am patient and know that his day will be that much more chaotic
and fun when I hand him his $1 Ninja sword I am holding under my arm.
Life is just perfect beautiful sometimes.
Washing all my blues away.
gone.
I am looking through cracked windows and trying to capture her
smile one last time in my fading memory.
And every window is dark or boarded up or are too dirty to see through.
Knowing all the while there will never be a smile on her face again.
Understanding the infinite annoyance of being a writer.
(well, at least pretending too)
Can I live up to the Olympian challenge of life?
I can strive for these fingers to be torpedo's and rocket's
blasting and exploding hot burning ink all over the paper.
Madman laughter spitting little bit's of teeth with every cackle in
my thick headed skull.
Trying to fill this writers body with a wee bit of soul.
Well kiddies it isn't much but let me know what ya think.
Milk and Kisses
Captain PirateFace
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
shucks I didn't think anybody would notice if I just up and disappeared.
life is damn beautiful.
So, how ya doin'?
See you've met my faithful handyman.
just joshin' ya.
(Joshin' is to joke as in to pull ones fucking leg yo!!!)
So I am still trying to arrange the divorce of my marriage and coming up with complications everyday. I am reminded constantly how I have screwed everybody's lives up and that I am a horrible person/father. But I digress... I think I am an OK fella.
Hey sometimes I hate the shit out of me too.
Such is life.
Such is life.
I have poetry to post but cannot do so this second as I am at work and supposed to be "working"
Last night was badass as my feet were in zero pain and I felt like my feet were all tingly and such.
Yay.
So I will post tonight as a promise to my untold number of readers and to my lonesome old self.
yo.
Captain PirateFace
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Piano has been drinking.... not me.
Hey.
So, I know it's been a quick minuet since my last update but I have been very busy as of late. I just recently moved in with my good friend Laura who is also a teacher at my school. She's like a sister to me so it's been good so far. I haven't had a chance to hook up my computer so I am updating you now from my work computer. I have had a drain in my thoughts and have not been writing as regularly as usual which makes my chubby digits sad as the feel of the pen or the picking at the letters at the keyboard is a wee bit foreign lately. so a quick story:
Last Tuesday after picking up Gabriel I saw road rage at it's finest. There was two mexican gangsters guys in a car that was taking up two lanes and this red truck behind them was edging forward and the dude was laying on his horn. But what makes this story special is that the crazy horn fella in the bright red truck was wearing a red shirt and was the spitting image of Santa Claus himself. The gangsters moved forward and Santa pulled up next to them nearly scratching their car and started screaming at them. They responded by spitting at him through his open window. It got all over the door and in his beard. And what did our dear enraged Santa Do????
Started spitting massive loogies back at them!!! It had to be the unlikeliest of confrentations I have ever seen! A spitfest between Mexican Gangsters and Santa's Pissed off brother .
So to make a long story short... it was awesome!
Captain PirateFace
Keepin' it real since 1980 yo!
Monday, November 10, 2008
pain in me face
for a very sweet memorial by my good friend John for my good friend Daniel who recently passed away please check out....
http://www.100wattproductions.com/
I got punched in the face yesterday too by the way...
I was very emotional after dropping my son off at Gina's.
I needed to talk to a friend and called him from a payphone.
As I was speaking to him I became more emotional and started crying.
(if you did not know I was a sissy...now ya do eh?)
A Mexican guy walked in the store near the end of my phone call.
When I had hung up the phone the same Mexican guy came walking out of the convenience store and laughed at me and pointed at me calling me a "little bitch".
My response... "Fuck Yourself".
He did not seem to see the humor I did in my response and walked over to me punching me in my right cheek. He then stood there waiting for me to fight back, I was too damn sad and tired to get arrested for beating a Mexican half to death so I just stood there and told him this. He walked away laughing and the clerk inside the store ran out yelling..."I got his plate number do you want me to call the cops??", I just said no and that I wanted to get home. so i did. The thing that pisses me off now is that I could have beat the living shit out of that short, sissy punch fuck... ih well.
lame eh?
goodnight rat bastards as I am falling asleep on these keys.
writing to come soon-ish
Captain PirateFace
p.s.
i like your mom
http://www.100wattproductions.com/
I got punched in the face yesterday too by the way...
I was very emotional after dropping my son off at Gina's.
I needed to talk to a friend and called him from a payphone.
As I was speaking to him I became more emotional and started crying.
(if you did not know I was a sissy...now ya do eh?)
A Mexican guy walked in the store near the end of my phone call.
When I had hung up the phone the same Mexican guy came walking out of the convenience store and laughed at me and pointed at me calling me a "little bitch".
My response... "Fuck Yourself".
He did not seem to see the humor I did in my response and walked over to me punching me in my right cheek. He then stood there waiting for me to fight back, I was too damn sad and tired to get arrested for beating a Mexican half to death so I just stood there and told him this. He walked away laughing and the clerk inside the store ran out yelling..."I got his plate number do you want me to call the cops??", I just said no and that I wanted to get home. so i did. The thing that pisses me off now is that I could have beat the living shit out of that short, sissy punch fuck... ih well.
lame eh?
goodnight rat bastards as I am falling asleep on these keys.
writing to come soon-ish
Captain PirateFace
p.s.
i like your mom
Sunday, November 09, 2008
sailing these seas of cheese (thanks Primus)
So.
Today I took my son to the Calico Basin and to Bonnie Springs.
My son is badass... we took a hike up a high trail that leads up and over a mountain and then down into a wash... he conquered that shit like he had done it a hundred times before. And when we ran out of trail he wanted to keep hiking until we got to the "Dark Mountain", a mountain being covered in rain. I had to tell him no and he was pissed. Bonnie Springs is depressing and everything is fucking broke... and they charge you $20 to get in...ripoff. The only good thing was watching this all black chicken hanging off the edge off a tin roof that hung near the petting zoo trail sweat people, especially teenagers as they walked buy. He sweat the shit out of me too it was funny as hell. Oh buy the way we found out that my Dad was wrongfully diagnosed with Hepatitis C...thank God. Other then that the day was OK. The outlying mountains near Red Rock are amazingly beautiful especially on a rainy day.
On a more somber note...
My friend Daniels funeral was very sad and I had a hard time keeping composure, especially after seeing him in his coffin for the first time.
and that's all I really want to say about that.
Captain PirateFace
Thursday, November 06, 2008
so......FUCKASS!
My friend Daniel passed away recently due to heart failure and his funeral is on Friday.
I will be attending and it will be very hard.
I will be attending and it will be very hard.
If you do not know me well you better stay away from me that day.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not much thought processing today... kinda in retard mode (sorry retards!)
I have been thinking a whole lot about Hunter S. Thompson...
And even though he decided to kill himself and take his own exit I kinda want to
re-assembel his cannon blasted ashes and punch him repeatedly in the face for
giving up on this strange and cursed world we live in.
I dare you to read anything by the man and not find one quote you will either believe in,
fall in love with or laugh at. He was a selfish brilliant asshole and even though I never
got to meet him and mingle our different kinds of insanity together I miss him dearly.
I have been thinking a whole lot about Hunter S. Thompson...
And even though he decided to kill himself and take his own exit I kinda want to
re-assembel his cannon blasted ashes and punch him repeatedly in the face for
giving up on this strange and cursed world we live in.
I dare you to read anything by the man and not find one quote you will either believe in,
fall in love with or laugh at. He was a selfish brilliant asshole and even though I never
got to meet him and mingle our different kinds of insanity together I miss him dearly.
What a fuckass.
I can't even open this face up enough to give you the poison pulsating and belching from my brain. I can't make you understand the strange rabid dog thoughts I posess and cry to and jerk off to. I can't make you see me as I really am as I am a liar and a master of disguise and I am sorry for that my true and trusted friends. I am so sorry.
Captain PirateFace
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Broken Teeth, Soft Embraces, Family ilness... And I thought I could laugh it all off... what a fucking riot.
One of my top right back teeth is broken in half and the nerve is exposed.
Yeeehaw!
Also,
One of my bottom left back teeth is also broken in half and the nerve is also exposed.
2 FOR ONE DEAL YO!
Anybody want to send me pain meds? I will "not" say no.
anywho.
My Dad found out the other day that he has Hepatitis C. My Dad is a pessimist as I am.
He has himself dead and buried which isn't good for him or my mother and the stress is causing angry outbursts and fights in the house so I take drives wherever I can go to escape the craziness.
I love my parents and want to help them but all I know to do right now is just give support.
It just seems life shits on my family on a daily basis is all.
On the side of sweetness and tenderness...
I just can't seem to take in that not all people think I am a horrible, lowlife loser deformed troll of a man like I do. It's hard for me to take compliments and I have a hard time accepting the love people try and give me. I usually throw my insanity at any kind of love and that disease infects the people that love me and they retreat. As it did my soon to be Ex-Wife.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
Speaking of "CRAZY".
My moods are becoming more erratic lately. While driving on the freeway the other afternoon I was caught in traffic and started singing along to the Weezer song "Dreaming". I felt compelled to pour my bottle of water over my head drenching me and my cloths and my driver side interior.
Then after wildly singing along and rarely keeping my hands on the wheel I decided it was a fine time to take off my shirt and drive shirtless and wet with the windows rolled down singing along to Weezer's "Dreaming" over and over again. I felt like I was watching a person take over my body as if my actions were not my own. I felt happy but in a way that just didn't seem right.
Afterwards I went home and crashed into a deep depression and fell asleep very, very early.
I just don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I need to find a new therapist.
(know any good ones in the Las Vegas area folks??? Ones that may be able to deal with my personality type???)
I also am going to be trying out Anti-Depressants again as I think it couldn't do any harm.
could it?
So what of any good news eh?
I get to see my little man today which is a day early. I miss the hell out of him. Gina thinks I am out playing every day while the reality of the situation is I can't hear her phone calls from the dungeon of a downstairs in my mother's house. She thinks I ignore my son when he wants to talk to me around bed time but that's just not true. I miss my son like I would miss the sound of my heart beating. Sometimes she fails to see that her leaving me didn't just fuck her up. It tore my life apart and my son's as well. I don't hate her for wanting to have left me. That was her decision. I will not go into detail but I will say that it's what she felt she needed to do and sometimes... about half the time I agree with why she left and believe most of the reasons she gives to be true. But sometimes I don't and think she made a mistake that someday she will come to regret.
But I give myself that right to think in two separate thought patterns... I am crazy aren't I?
I have a grip of more poetry to post but just haven't had the strength or patience to do just that. But I will soon and it won't be one of those... "I will post TONIGHT!" and two weeks later you get an "Awe Shucks, I forgot to post and will really do it tonight." and then space that altogether.
Are any of you actually reading this blog and my poetry? Who the Hell knows as NOBODY barely ever leaves me comments or sends me any kind of contact. So I might just be posting for Sherrie and Ben and myself as I love to read old entries and say "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I post this shitty shit shit?"
So I will try again out of hopeless desperation to connect with any of my fictional readers.
(I mean fuck all my counter keeps going up pretty often? Is it because the word "Pornography" is in the title?)
Please feel free to leave a comment fuck-o's and please feel free to contact me through e-mail at CaptPirateFace@aol.com
see ya later salamander.
Captain PirateFace
P.S. Oh yeah! I am not quite as much a fat fuck anymore. I went from last June weighing 310 lbs
(I am 6'3 gimme a little bit here ya snickering fucks) to the comfy weight of 255 lbs. And I am losing more hopefully by the day. My weight loss plan... LOTS OF FUCKING STRESS! It really works folks... don't knock that shit until you try it. Also quitting soda for the most part and just drinking water. No more booze. (Still haven't kicked the pain meds yet but I do have a legitimate injury... yeah I know sometimes I run out before it's time... shut up) And small meals (no over eating... just because the breakfast came with huge ass pancakes doesn't mean you HAVE to gobble them down if your already feeling full.)
Yeeehaw!
Also,
One of my bottom left back teeth is also broken in half and the nerve is also exposed.
2 FOR ONE DEAL YO!
Anybody want to send me pain meds? I will "not" say no.
anywho.
My Dad found out the other day that he has Hepatitis C. My Dad is a pessimist as I am.
He has himself dead and buried which isn't good for him or my mother and the stress is causing angry outbursts and fights in the house so I take drives wherever I can go to escape the craziness.
I love my parents and want to help them but all I know to do right now is just give support.
It just seems life shits on my family on a daily basis is all.
On the side of sweetness and tenderness...
I just can't seem to take in that not all people think I am a horrible, lowlife loser deformed troll of a man like I do. It's hard for me to take compliments and I have a hard time accepting the love people try and give me. I usually throw my insanity at any kind of love and that disease infects the people that love me and they retreat. As it did my soon to be Ex-Wife.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
Speaking of "CRAZY".
My moods are becoming more erratic lately. While driving on the freeway the other afternoon I was caught in traffic and started singing along to the Weezer song "Dreaming". I felt compelled to pour my bottle of water over my head drenching me and my cloths and my driver side interior.
Then after wildly singing along and rarely keeping my hands on the wheel I decided it was a fine time to take off my shirt and drive shirtless and wet with the windows rolled down singing along to Weezer's "Dreaming" over and over again. I felt like I was watching a person take over my body as if my actions were not my own. I felt happy but in a way that just didn't seem right.
Afterwards I went home and crashed into a deep depression and fell asleep very, very early.
I just don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I need to find a new therapist.
(know any good ones in the Las Vegas area folks??? Ones that may be able to deal with my personality type???)
I also am going to be trying out Anti-Depressants again as I think it couldn't do any harm.
could it?
So what of any good news eh?
I get to see my little man today which is a day early. I miss the hell out of him. Gina thinks I am out playing every day while the reality of the situation is I can't hear her phone calls from the dungeon of a downstairs in my mother's house. She thinks I ignore my son when he wants to talk to me around bed time but that's just not true. I miss my son like I would miss the sound of my heart beating. Sometimes she fails to see that her leaving me didn't just fuck her up. It tore my life apart and my son's as well. I don't hate her for wanting to have left me. That was her decision. I will not go into detail but I will say that it's what she felt she needed to do and sometimes... about half the time I agree with why she left and believe most of the reasons she gives to be true. But sometimes I don't and think she made a mistake that someday she will come to regret.
But I give myself that right to think in two separate thought patterns... I am crazy aren't I?
I have a grip of more poetry to post but just haven't had the strength or patience to do just that. But I will soon and it won't be one of those... "I will post TONIGHT!" and two weeks later you get an "Awe Shucks, I forgot to post and will really do it tonight." and then space that altogether.
Are any of you actually reading this blog and my poetry? Who the Hell knows as NOBODY barely ever leaves me comments or sends me any kind of contact. So I might just be posting for Sherrie and Ben and myself as I love to read old entries and say "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I post this shitty shit shit?"
So I will try again out of hopeless desperation to connect with any of my fictional readers.
(I mean fuck all my counter keeps going up pretty often? Is it because the word "Pornography" is in the title?)
Please feel free to leave a comment fuck-o's and please feel free to contact me through e-mail at CaptPirateFace@aol.com
see ya later salamander.
Captain PirateFace
P.S. Oh yeah! I am not quite as much a fat fuck anymore. I went from last June weighing 310 lbs
(I am 6'3 gimme a little bit here ya snickering fucks) to the comfy weight of 255 lbs. And I am losing more hopefully by the day. My weight loss plan... LOTS OF FUCKING STRESS! It really works folks... don't knock that shit until you try it. Also quitting soda for the most part and just drinking water. No more booze. (Still haven't kicked the pain meds yet but I do have a legitimate injury... yeah I know sometimes I run out before it's time... shut up) And small meals (no over eating... just because the breakfast came with huge ass pancakes doesn't mean you HAVE to gobble them down if your already feeling full.)
Monday, October 20, 2008
the piano keys are broken just like the keys on my keyboard...
hi.
so, so much to tell and so little ability to tell it in.
saw Lagwagon... amazing show. Took a picture with Joey Cape and my mom erased it from the camera. Saw "Choke" great flick... equally good as the book. Still in the throes of divorce and that
does not get easier in the slightest. Have really good people in my life holding me up even though I am constantly falling down. Suffice to say, it's been really rough. I have been leaving poems and flyer's for this twisted little blog all over town so if you found one... hi.
Was reading a trade paperback from the library the other day (for the life of me I cannot recall the name) and in the back I saw an awesome pin-up done by the infamous Ben Hall. There is a link to his art to the right in my links. He and his wife Marlena are just amazing. Miss you guys.
I spend a lot of time in a constant state of confusion. Sometimes really sad and once in a while very angry. But I guess that's life right?? So here is some crap that I have been working on as of late. it's not all genius and it's mostly just crap. Some of it are thoughts and some are complete poems and some aren't complete anything. so here is the poison folks... swallow or choke the choice is all yours.
Love
Captain PirateFace
Heart attack baby.
I feel an ache in my chest.
As my rhythm breaks down to a scattered beat.
My fingers claw my chest looking for an invisible button to push...
for a door hinge to open...
maybe even an emergency phone to God begging for one more chance at life.
No luck baby.
I'm dead
meat.
dead duck.
dead doornail.
Who left out the beef?
Ah fuck it!
Who needed the heart ache anyway?
My solid mind.
I used to think
I was fucked up.
Then I thought
I was wrong...
and that I had made it all up.
But I now think I am all fucked up again.
I am coming home.
Full fucking circle.
Auto
I want to be numb.
I want to do terrible things and be forgiven for them.
I want to cry and wail and be held.
I want to die a little bit and take a little life every day.
I want to love.
I want to be loved by everyone.
I want to be touched.
Caressed.
FUCKED.
Sucked.
Shaken.
Held.
Attacked.
I want to destroy everything in the world.
Visiting from far away.
Like walking out on an ice covered lake.
It's foreign to me and hard to comprehend my own movements.
Always in fear of the cracking ice beneath my feet.
Always near the point of tumbling into the darkness and drowning
all alone.
I always would tread softly.
Vastly aware of all the dreams set at my feet.
Mine having been trampled underfoot long ago.
Who made you the great decider of fates, man-child?
God could not trust you with such a massive undertaking.
Especially when your allways fighting and yelling at God with your fists clenched and tears in your eyes.
Me, a child of wonder and romantic fantasies.
Almost 30 years old does not count or come close to being a child.
Yet I fabricate lies as quickly as a little boy caught elbow deep in the cookie jar.
I pretend I am invisible like when I was little.
It must be working because when I smile they don't smile back anymore.
I just wanted to hold you dear so you could feel my old body and my teenage heart beating against your body of sweet, sexy, delicate and sex sweaty lies.
So, we meet again?
Her smile breaks me down, and I smile up at my pleasant death.
Blind please
We stand staring into one anothers eyes
deep and full of
fears, passions, resentments, tears.
And I can't tell if you are telling me "Love me" or "Leave me" anymore.
Your eyes are your mystery while mine give my every thought away...
my every emotion.
I was foolish to stare so long to begin with.
break apart
we break apart after tainted kisses on the verge of tears and laughter.
Sitting in traffic
Kids fighting in the backseat of a Toyota Sienna for over 20 minuets in front of me in traffic.
Past tinted glass I see little silhouettes ball their fists and attack over and over again.
Making me laugh over and over again.
An Indian couple behind me in traffic lean in from their seats meeting in the middle touching their heads together, then kiss...
pulling a sigh from my lungs.
Still, all in traffic.
blistered
my face is long and tired and full of thoughts that can't be controlled.
I think about Cat Stevens and how he lost his mind and let his musical spirit fade away because he converted to the Muslim religion and how many years later was banned from commercial airlines to fly to America due to suspected terrorist activity.
Captain's Heaven
When I think of heaven I can't visualize bright white light...
I think of an old room filled with antiques and soft dim light and soft old furniture.
8:05pm September 20th 2008
Kind of a hard day today.
Not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel...
in all honesty he was an angel... no pun intended.
I just felt vacant and misplaced...
as if not belonging anywhere.
But kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel.
We now, as I am writing this, are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas.
Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighter hats, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an endurance of strength match with a mallet. Me holding a blow up spider man mallet he won earlier in the same game.
Four crispy waters unopened and ready and one opened in each of our laps.
The stage crew is slowly getting things ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unrecognizable drum beat testing out the drums.
Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fireman's hat demands my attention so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down earlier on an amusement ride.
I put my pen don and listen to my best friend in this whole crazy wide world.
Undress Sundress
She stains my coths everytime.
But keeps coming back even though I am an aweful fuck.
What do I want out of this life?
What do I get?
Love
Sex
Penetration
Passion.
Hand holding?
Lip locked kisses?
And I bow out now.
This sleeper is waking the fuck up yo.
Prohibited
No Humor
No Love
No Joy
Restricted of human passions.
Leave your personality at home.
Bright Futures.
We have brought down the pain and the tears.
We have sunk into the honest retribution and apathy.
I have become living empathy.
Like a raw exposed nerve.
I can't close my eyes anymore because I fear the ghosts will be upon me with their wanting
eyes begging me with their soundless lips.
I just keep backing away from the nightmares and daydreams.
Praying for a better anything.
Until I have backed myself into a corner.
Fearing I will lose control at any second.
And God help me I think I have.
more written that will be posted soonish.
Captain PirateFace
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
no....
i am not
dead.
smart asses!
Love Captain PirateFace
For those of you reading this respond with a comment to this post, to this question I have...
"How did you hear about Pornography On The Radio?"
Witdow!
dead.
smart asses!
Love Captain PirateFace
For those of you reading this respond with a comment to this post, to this question I have...
"How did you hear about Pornography On The Radio?"
Witdow!
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