the smell of rain...

we all just wan't a little candy is all....

                                come on... gimme some candy......

When i read this poem by Bukowski... It makes me think the world won't always be a shitty place.

we will taste the islands and the sea 

I know that some night

in some bedroom

soon

my fingers will

rift

through

soft clean

hair

songs such as no radio 

plays

all sadness, grinning

into flow.

- Charles Bukowski

A slew of things on the mind as of late. Times are tough... financially, socially, whatever...
i have been living with my parents for a bit (the last year) It started out with them helping me out after i had my last car repossessed and lost my apartment due to lack of summer work (Thanks CCSD!!!)... well, after i had moved in my father started losing hours at work and it has been steadily getting worse. So, i have been helping with bills, mortgage and etc...  Leaving me consistently broke. 


and being broke keeps the lonely lonely.




i woke up to the smell of rain today. i didn't wan't to get out of bed, all i could think of was how wonderful it would be to hide away all day under those bed sheets. i start everyday that way i think... in a battle of picking myself up out of bed and existing . Well, i am here now aren't i?


now, i will plod along in my job today keeping the real me hidden way back behind a few facades. it's what's gotta be.Just sick of the same old crap over and over again... being broke. being alone. no gas. fuck.


When you list it... it makes it much more depressing.








and about the whole lonely thing...


listen..


i know that it is my own fault. Being a huge chicken shit doesn't help much... it is brought on myself. Sometimes i don't even try anymore. If i get asked out on a date or someone want's to hang out with me... i end up chickening out, or... i just give up. Also, i have met a few awesome girls who i am not attracted too. One girl got mad at me and said "If your so alone why don't you just settle?"..... The answer to that is... no. Just because a girl is sweet or sweet to me does not mean that i am going to fall in love with them. Sorry... my fickle mind is like that. Fuck Settling. but then again... Fuck being alone too.












i choke


through tangible dreams and intangible moments
in the face of fear and doom and terror.
through tears and laughter and bullshit
i choke
on your words, and tears and angry messages and
love notes and vicious lies.
i choke
on my spit laced words
with my fragile pen
while the volume turns down, down, down...














stop


we fell beneath the sky, melancholy in our journey.
patiently trying to fit our goodbye letters into glass bottles.
hoping our thoughts would be kindly received by the sea
our most secret feelings churning and floating and bobbing along.. 
with a chance that these hopes may be carried on the waves forever...
or drown in the darkness at the bottom of the sea.

Pulled Shut


The sun breaks through my sealed blinds.
Begging to be let in...
But i keep it dark in here.
Safe.
Away from all those people that hurt me.
Away from the "big world" that always finds a way to disappoint me.
This shadowed room keeps me away from the external heartache.
Sadly though... i just can't seem to get away from poisoned thought memories...
or this room. 













































and now my theme song....

Man Alive! i swear i am not a bad guy! what does one have to do?????

Captain PirateFaced