"I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often."
— Charles Bukowski (Tales of Ordinary Madness)
So... been reading lot's of uplifting material... Read a book the other day about "child killers A.K.A Children who kill"... yep. And just finished a book last night about the Holocaust and the Concentration camps. Very hardcore stuff for sure. And, as you can imagine... it does absolutely nothing for depression reading about spree killing and genocide. Speaking of depression... I am just going to iron it out here for my own common sense (....HAHAHAHA!!) So... lately as i finally approach a year of being single, i have noticed that the more time goes on... the more i miss an ex. this ex, i am sure, has moved on. And to a point i have to... but it's easy to remember all the things that made you crazy for a person... and very easy to forget all the bullshit and tears and arguments, so.. i have been pining away for somebody who i have no chance with and will never give a shit about me again. i can't honestly say i have been "trying" to date. One date does not constitute "dating". And the reason i have such a shitty time dating is because i am either a) petrified as i am dating retarded or b) because not a single female on this whole entire fucking planet is interested in me. So, loneliness has been running rampant lately. Love song's, romantic films, couples, etc... each of those just fucking kill me when i see them. i wan't so badly to be a part of all that again but alas... i am me. Who know's what the future brings... all i know is that i don't wan't to get their alone. The shittiest part is everything else in my life is running Ok as an average (lately..."Murphy's Law" will return and it is a motherfucker.) but things would be great if i wasn't so lonely. Oh! And i happened to perchance across a flash drive at work full of pictures of me and my ex. Kissing, Hugging, Playing in snow, On vacation in California.. Seeing those was like swallowing a stomach full of razorblades and tears. But cannot bring myself to delete her pictures. Maybe someday i will have the courage to do just that but until then it's all i have left of her. is this missing her because she was the last one i was with or is it because i am just a lonely sad sac motherfucker who needs to meet someone new? i just can't wrap my head around it.
and... why the hell am i asking you people"?
it's not like your going to answer me.
i just whine so damn good.
Still waiting on my FASFA form's to be processed to see what i can possibly get in school loans... Once all that is done i can take my next step to starting college. Then the CCSD can be afraid... very afriad ;)
all i can do is wait and watch for a hint
a hint that the bullshit has passed
a feeling of relief
a feeling of winning i can wait forever instead of beating into me the serenity i am waiting to be a new person to cocoon and break free as something with wings... scab free. because now... i am sick of picking at my wounds sick of peeling away the dead skin sick of wiping away the blood and polishing off the bone i am waiting i will be waiting for the finish line... for you
the small empty space in my heart were i keep all those things that would destroy your world.
those grungy little thoughts
the dirty mind
the sad mind
tears keep staining the cheeks and Christ i am so sick of weeping...
my wounded heart my wounded soul
nailed to the earth for the vultures to pick clean. stay calm... as it will only frighten the birds.
i keep struggling with my dreams of you
keep trying to erase someone who truly exists as my make believe friends watch from the shadows
making as little noise as possible.
if only those shadows could hold me... just for a little while.
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