a new hope

fuck being sad all the time. "I" have a new game plan to melt fucking faces and banish people straight to fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More info soon ;)

my cat.. The Captain

fuck.

i am so damn sad right now it hurts. like my stupid heart is dying.

my own damn fault.

here. i. am/was......

hello. i will be leaving vegas this upcoming friday and will not return until the 4th of july.
for those of you who give a shit.







i know i bitch quite openly, honestly and frequently... but i do want to say that even though things are rough i still have my beautiful son, Gabriel. And, i am still sober... no booze and no pain meds or muscle relaxers. i may be a broken hearted fuck up but at least i am trying to make some semblance of a normal life. as the Goonies would scream out into the night... "NEVER SAY DIE!!!" and that's how i plan to survive. maybe i will stick around just to piss people off eh?


i found that when you fall in love with somebody you tend to bring them places that mean a lot to you or places you frequent. now all those great places you "used" to love just brings on painful memories. I was swimming in the colorado river with two buddies out at nelson, nevada and all i could think about was her, her there with me before but mostly i thought about us playing in the tidepools together in san diego... also a place that hurts to think about.

it just sucks. a huge part of me would willingly sign up to have memories erased... all so i could go one damn day without hurting over her or crying over her. blah. like when i was walking in a park in seven hills with my son and a friend and suddenly realized i was staring at the bench her and i had our first date, and how she made me sing "shadow of the day" in her car. i know that there were plenty of bad times.. most my fault. but when you miss someone and feel broken hearted it's easy to think of the good times. hell... i can't bring myself to even get rid of her pictures... stupid bastard that i am...
there was a picture here i shouldn't have posted and i am sorry i did that.
nobody got angry with me, i just figured it might be slightly wrong.

(the way things used to be)

"Love"

a thought by captain pirateface

i never took love lightly. before i even understood it, i knew it was an amazing and powerful thing and wanted in on the secret... the secret i now wish i could forget. i believed in the dramatic kisses and faces wet with happy tears in all my favorite movies. even though i knew they were actor's and actresses i believed in the emotion's they convexed... their tears, embrace, passion and the only perfect love a Hollywood film could fake.

i couldn't wait.
now, i have been there several times. it has always ended up with me still in love and alone. i have held, kissed and loved these women in full belief that they were the last one i would ever share these things with again... i never thought of a real end.
i always fell in love for the long haul... forever. i believed in it so strongly i got hurt and left over and over again.
now here i am, yet again...
alone and in love.

nobody ever told me how to turn love off.

i wish they had.






__________________
your head is an open book, and it's loud and annoying.

will we meet in the clouds?
like high flying angels?
when i tell you "i love you" will you look deep into my eyes to look for a hint of a lie?
you should.
i breath in life and exhale, smelling rain mixed in lovingly with sin city desert.
i hope i never give up.
even though i know how fun and easy it is.























love, Captain PirateFace

p.s. life is fucking balls.


p.p.s. NEVER SAY DIE!

sick

you have to be an idiot to keep torturing yourself like this...

saw a picture of an ex today posted in May of this year, of said ex passed out with a bottle of alcohol...
this picture does not make me angry. or mad.
it makes me so fucking sad my stomach hurts right now.

and again...

i did this to myself.


you can't help who you miss. or love.
whatever.


She was so beautiful and pure, even after the mess our lives had become...
i hope she hasn't turned into that girl she so desperately despised...

i wish i could just stop thinking about her, it's so fucking painful. and not in a "tortured artist" sense of the word. it truly hurts my heart to think about her. if i write more... i can't even try to write about her more tonight. it's as if there is a black hole in my heart, that sucks the very life and love from me. fuck fuck fuck... this sucks. 5 months since she left and it still feels like yesterday. fuck... at least i am still sober... right? whatever.




The long summer has started..
























Going to Buffalo with my dad for 16 days... maybe i will find peace thousands of miles away from this shit shitty sin city.

My apartment is gone. My cat is about to be gone. It all just kinda fucking sucks now don't it?

fuck.








____________________________________________________________________

new writing soon-ish for those that actually give a flying fuck.

hey... nice emptiness!

so whatchya think.




























had a dream about an ex-girlfriend the other day... I dreamed that she had her arms wrapped around me and was holding me in bed. She held on to me and told me she didn't regret the decision to leave me and that she did not love me anymore... she smiled and held me even tighter.


i woke up sobbing.

and couldn't get under control for a few hours....



and that's all for now.