Today I am a mess. I just cant shake this sadness. My head is full of many many random thoughts. It started this morning while watching Jon Water's film, "Crybaby". Yeah, I know, odd choice to set off a bout of depression but I am a strange person. It made me pine for a different moment in time to have been born. I have always been fascinated with the 40's, 50's and 60's. It seems that my generation is just getting more vile and evil and I just have a hard time excepting that. What have I brought my son into? It seems times were simpler then, and if they weren't then they did a damn good job hiding it. I am sure I am acting very naive, but I just cant stand the world I live in. Then I got to thinking how much a loser I am, I have no personality. My whole personality is borrowed from people much more interesting then myself. I am a copycat in almost every sense of the word. I have no original thoughts... I can't even keep friends unless they don't "really" know me or if they are family and feel obliged to put up with me and stroke m y shallow ego in fear that i may run off and do some terrible thing to myself or others. Some thing ain't right with me.. My wife stays with me in hopes that I can become a better person, father, lover, provider... I am a coward and weak and cannot fulfill anybodies hopes and dreams of what I should be. I work two jobs and cant take care of my family. I have amazing stories to tell but can only commit to short nonsensical poetry because I am too lazy to think out the details of these lost story's. I don't want to hear any, "No John that's not true" sympathy comments either. Just keep it to yourself. I don't want pity and/or lies. It's not worth your time or mine. I just need to see these words written out by my fingertips to know that I am still here that I have yet to give up on this pathetic life I keep hammering down with my cowardice and weakness. I should have tried. I just wish I could have been better for all of you... That is unfortunately not the case. I drove to pick up lunch today and on the way back a few raindrops landed on my windshield and I started sobbing... I had to pull over.
such an enigmatic hero eh??
John
here is a picture I did a while back.
Living behind the MGM, can't help your outlook on life.
ReplyDeleteRide a crack addict to work and you'll both feel a lot better.