a new hope

fuck being sad all the time. "I" have a new game plan to melt fucking faces and banish people straight to fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More info soon ;)

my cat.. The Captain

fuck.

i am so damn sad right now it hurts. like my stupid heart is dying.

my own damn fault.

here. i. am/was......

hello. i will be leaving vegas this upcoming friday and will not return until the 4th of july.
for those of you who give a shit.







i know i bitch quite openly, honestly and frequently... but i do want to say that even though things are rough i still have my beautiful son, Gabriel. And, i am still sober... no booze and no pain meds or muscle relaxers. i may be a broken hearted fuck up but at least i am trying to make some semblance of a normal life. as the Goonies would scream out into the night... "NEVER SAY DIE!!!" and that's how i plan to survive. maybe i will stick around just to piss people off eh?


i found that when you fall in love with somebody you tend to bring them places that mean a lot to you or places you frequent. now all those great places you "used" to love just brings on painful memories. I was swimming in the colorado river with two buddies out at nelson, nevada and all i could think about was her, her there with me before but mostly i thought about us playing in the tidepools together in san diego... also a place that hurts to think about.

it just sucks. a huge part of me would willingly sign up to have memories erased... all so i could go one damn day without hurting over her or crying over her. blah. like when i was walking in a park in seven hills with my son and a friend and suddenly realized i was staring at the bench her and i had our first date, and how she made me sing "shadow of the day" in her car. i know that there were plenty of bad times.. most my fault. but when you miss someone and feel broken hearted it's easy to think of the good times. hell... i can't bring myself to even get rid of her pictures... stupid bastard that i am...
there was a picture here i shouldn't have posted and i am sorry i did that.
nobody got angry with me, i just figured it might be slightly wrong.

(the way things used to be)

"Love"

a thought by captain pirateface

i never took love lightly. before i even understood it, i knew it was an amazing and powerful thing and wanted in on the secret... the secret i now wish i could forget. i believed in the dramatic kisses and faces wet with happy tears in all my favorite movies. even though i knew they were actor's and actresses i believed in the emotion's they convexed... their tears, embrace, passion and the only perfect love a Hollywood film could fake.

i couldn't wait.
now, i have been there several times. it has always ended up with me still in love and alone. i have held, kissed and loved these women in full belief that they were the last one i would ever share these things with again... i never thought of a real end.
i always fell in love for the long haul... forever. i believed in it so strongly i got hurt and left over and over again.
now here i am, yet again...
alone and in love.

nobody ever told me how to turn love off.

i wish they had.






__________________
your head is an open book, and it's loud and annoying.

will we meet in the clouds?
like high flying angels?
when i tell you "i love you" will you look deep into my eyes to look for a hint of a lie?
you should.
i breath in life and exhale, smelling rain mixed in lovingly with sin city desert.
i hope i never give up.
even though i know how fun and easy it is.























love, Captain PirateFace

p.s. life is fucking balls.


p.p.s. NEVER SAY DIE!

sick

you have to be an idiot to keep torturing yourself like this...

saw a picture of an ex today posted in May of this year, of said ex passed out with a bottle of alcohol...
this picture does not make me angry. or mad.
it makes me so fucking sad my stomach hurts right now.

and again...

i did this to myself.


you can't help who you miss. or love.
whatever.


She was so beautiful and pure, even after the mess our lives had become...
i hope she hasn't turned into that girl she so desperately despised...

i wish i could just stop thinking about her, it's so fucking painful. and not in a "tortured artist" sense of the word. it truly hurts my heart to think about her. if i write more... i can't even try to write about her more tonight. it's as if there is a black hole in my heart, that sucks the very life and love from me. fuck fuck fuck... this sucks. 5 months since she left and it still feels like yesterday. fuck... at least i am still sober... right? whatever.




The long summer has started..
























Going to Buffalo with my dad for 16 days... maybe i will find peace thousands of miles away from this shit shitty sin city.

My apartment is gone. My cat is about to be gone. It all just kinda fucking sucks now don't it?

fuck.








____________________________________________________________________

new writing soon-ish for those that actually give a flying fuck.

hey... nice emptiness!

so whatchya think.




























had a dream about an ex-girlfriend the other day... I dreamed that she had her arms wrapped around me and was holding me in bed. She held on to me and told me she didn't regret the decision to leave me and that she did not love me anymore... she smiled and held me even tighter.


i woke up sobbing.

and couldn't get under control for a few hours....



and that's all for now.

oh no

sad

one of the saddest things i have ever seen
has to be the McDonalds Resteraunt
inside a Wal-Mart Super Center.
Dead wally world employee's...
chomping away on McFattyBurgers and
grease soaked fries.
White trash eating white trash...food.
i order 3 cookies for 99 cents!!!









left standing

she asked me...
"a little sunshine in your rain?"
and i fell in love...
in love with a made up girl.
a girl who cannot exist.
she say's these cute little things everytime i daydream
us a moment away from reality.
here...
she is perfect
and loves me.

and never leaves me.

then reality dissipates my fleeting bit of make believe.
and i am left standing alone.
alone with love and aching for a girl that will never exist...
a girl that truly loves me.








POET SPEAKS TO YOU!!! THE READER!!! jazzed yet?

i used to breath fire!!!
at least i like to pretend i did.
i have always been this big, klutzy pussy cat.
The guy the gals could go to with their fella problems...
except not gay.
though... with the lack of ladies in my life who wouldn't think it
at least once... right?
listen, i love the ladies...
i do.
it's just that the above mentioned "ladies" don't have any love for me.
well, i gotta go pick up decoration's for my "Pity Party"..
i might as well even get the "Wah Wahs!!" to play...
who knows?
right?



Captain PirateFace





still chasing the "one's" that got away...

well... hello there stupid.

The better part of the morning was spent crying.
yes... i said crying.
been having a rough week...
rough as far as missing someone who could care if i was alive or dead.
missing her every damn day and anytime "anything" reminds me of her.
she doesn't even think about me... and it makes me sad.
i want all these poor women who have loved me to be happy once they have gone and broke my fucking heart... i really do...

now i just don't know what to do.

with me.

i have done all that was told of me to do...
clean up, bust ass at work, be a good dad, be a good friend...
everyone told me, you do these things and life rewards you.



i call bullshit.



i have been, and am doing all these things and it certainly seems to be constantly raining shit.
the girl i fell in love with left me. again. and again... i loved each one and each one left.
yes ladies... i am single! sign up here and please try to maintain a line... i know there are a slew of you (sarcasm for those of you going... huh?). girls don't want me. i am the interesting and caring "John your so great and i wish my asshole boyfriend was more like you" friend. and that is all i ever am, the sympathetic and interesting (i.e. "weird") friend you keep around so you have stories to tell later that day.

i know i do this to myself... but tell me how to turn off the caring and love and need for a person you practically breathed in for 2 1/2 years and i will gladly comply...



nobody should have to feel this sad and hurt.

nobody should have to feel this way....

even a mundane pirate such as myself.






love,

captain pirateface

i just want to be alone today

just past the surf... the sea creature drags me down slowly to my death...

well then...

hello.

how are you fine people i pretend to talk to when i update my blog?

fine.

good.

i guess it's time to proceed.

____________________________________________________________________

Oh Baleen!

My sea Goddess!!!
My Enchanting mermaid!!
I want to crash around in the ocean surf with you.

I want to dine in fine krill restaurants.

We will go buffet and you can chow down as much as you like!
May the tides push us together forever...

* Baleen Whales can eat up to four tons of small fish and krill in one day

she haunts me while i cease to be

every where i go

even when i retreat into the darkness of closed eyelids,

she is there.

every time i drop my guard...

her face comes to mind...

and i hate it.

i hate the taunting beauty i miss so terribly.

it's time i said goodbye and meant it...

i am ready.

if you would just kindly remove your hand from my heart.
is it love or torture or both?

who fucking knows....

right?











My sun implodes leaving this galaxy vacant and dead.

Dramatic Title:

Check

Black, runny, dramatic ink:

Check

Soundtrack of misery choice for the evening, Portishead:
Check
"It was gonna be God Damn beautiful"

he thought.

He wrote Hallmark Cards.

Knuckle fucking a stranger as a means to say...
"Hello Sweetheart!"

Hey silly poet, here's a band-aid for that bum ticker... alright scooter?

i drive everyone i love away.
i wish i was normal.
i wish i wasn't a loser.
i wish i hadn't fucked up half my life.

my world is falling apart...

and i am trying so damn hard.

i am holding on.

but do not know if i can much longer.

struggle kills hearts and souls.
i want to love and be loved.
oh dear god i am going to die alone...

but not without a damn fight.

the captain's defeat... and rebirth.

i am walking around again.
the living dead.
i am the walking wounded,
battle scars exposed to the world.

making the normals wince.
i stare out to sea
looking past dark waves
slowly making way up the shore

like black ink exploding into bone white foam.
the waves gentle lull, a peaceful whisper in rhythm with my heart.
i watch for my ship.
i watch in restlessness, eyes wide open nearly unblinking.
i watch for the ship that sank long ago in sight of land,
to ferry my tired soul to calm, dark, peaceful places.
i finally close my eyes and collapse

and dream...

dream...

dream.

it's always about you John...

i hear the faint sound of Halloween songs in my head.
i stare at old photo's, working up old memory tears.
i sing my own lyrics to the compositions of Beethoven and Chopin,
butchering their beauty with my broken hearted verses.
i hold my own hand because nobody else wants the job.
i write juvenile poetry in blue composition books filled with
my certifiable chicken scratch.
i see beauty in love in everyone and everything...
even though i am constantly let down.

i live in a desert and crave the ocean so bad i could scream.

i will become rainclouds and add pure drama to your dreary day.

i love more than i will ever get to be loved in my lifetime.
we all fail a little bit...
i guess.

Oh Love, give me just one more chance..
i wont fail you again...
(fingers crossed)

_-_-_-___----_________-------__-_--_________----________

not much to say. feeling pretty lonely these days... more so than usual.

i miss tania.

see you later.

Captain PirateFace

p.s.s.s.s.s.s.sssssssssssssssssss555555

Some of these may have made it into a previous post. If any did... sorry... Effin' Sue Me Aight!?!?!

I just can't stop thinking about how fucking happy you all want me to be!!!

hello all. how are we doing? i am just doing great. sleeping all the time makes me happy.
Things have been at an astounding stand still for me. i don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I go home. sit. sleep. repeat workday. my fucking computer is busted. good times abound. tonight i get to actually do stuff. my mommy is going to cut zee hair and i am to walk the windy path with the always vocal Gideon. Good times abound. it's kind of depressing but that is all that is going on right now...fuck.














we might say things we never meant

and we did didn't we?
i would hurt you bad with words that never should have been let loose.
i would try to destroy you with words when i got upset, or felt stupid, or weak, or.....
afraid.
i never hit you or cheated but those damn words probably hurt more than anything.
i know why she left.
i know why they left.
i am so sorry to you all.

well, nice guys truly finish last.

Always the rescuing knight... never the prince.

















































i miss you so much... i wish you would have never left me.
now i just don't know what to do with myself anymore...
i am truly, truly lost...

coming to the conclusion that nobody likes you.

spent the better part of the morning crying in the bathroom...
fuck.
it

i invited people over for my birthday last night.. nobody came.

so pathetic its almost silly.


i guess she went out and got a new tatoo last night... i didnt want to know, but was informed regardless. everytime i think about her i miss her...
i dont fucking care what her new tatoo is and i dont want to know. at all.

i have decided last night i give up... not that i plan on suicide, i just give up on people.
i try to not be alone and make new friends but always end up by myself. like last night.

i will now go through life understanding and trying to embrace the fact that i an an unloved, unloveable cave troll.





heres a poem!


The Secret of Life.



run.









fuck it all
love,
Captain PirateFace

flailing and falling. or fuck it! Howsabout both asshole!

it's here and now that the fire starts.

too hot to touch and it brings death instantly and painlessly.

watch it dance.

_




I guess I will be making it to my date of birth after all.... yay.



tomorrow I update with oldies and newbies... so.


FUCKING BRACE YOURSELF FOOL!!!!!!!!!

....

Is it weird i have a strange worry that i may not make it to my 30th birthday.
soooo many people that know me never knew it was possible for me to mak it this far.

as The Beatles sang...

"It's getting better all the time!"


isn't it?


shouldn't it?

just a thought

love cappy

Caaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooooou diiiiiiiig iiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!

Tonight at house of blues...

Kid Meets Cougar


me and my boy are going.

be there or be a square.


"Baby, you know you dig it the most."

call no man happy... who is not dead

Oh boy.

Yet again... another storm on the horizon. i guess i should be used to stormy days and nights. i have a grip of them. Just happens that it never rains here in the desert.
So. i have solved my loneliness issue. i will just stay alone. If that perfect "Misses PirateFace" comes along... so be it. But i am done trying to impress people. i just want to be happy with my fucked up self first, and kiddo's it's gonna take a hell of an exorcism to push those emo/whiny/sad thoughts aside. I mean hell, if your gonna be good at something right?
But brass tacks... i am doing it for my son.

i know that me listening to Vampire Weekend is a bit of an oxymoron but... they just make me smile and feel so friggin' good. Why can't everybody just love the hell out of them? On a much drearier front, Nine Inch Nails and Arcade Fire are both in the studio. Know what that means cat's and kitten's??? It means a plethora of sad, beautiful and loud music is forthcoming. YAY!

On a separate musical note... Portishead will never be the same again for me... ever. (Especially "Roads") Thanks chedder.

i can only update from work or random computers as my home PC is on deaths door. It overheats after only a few and shuts off. soooooo sad about that. i miss my mix cd's. Anybody wanna make me one? I'm easy, just throw some whiny crap on there and i am game.


On other news.

Climbed a mountain on spring break. 8 hour hike and it busted my ass...
but fun as ever. (Thanks Brandon)

That's all i got for now... here be some scraps of raw poetry straight from the diseased brain of El Capitan PirateFace.





She never knew...

She never knew that i would hold her hand as she slept.
That i would sketch her sleeping face into my mind to lay dormant forever.
That when she was away i truly missed her.
When she was angry, i never hated her for it...
just tried to make sense of what I had done wrong.
But she is gone...
and now she will never know how much i would have loved her.
and i think....
it's a fucking riot.






Please ease your mind

we sit and tear the fabric of our being up into small piles that we leave out...
easier to judge ourselves.
our poor beaten bodies suffer the scabs and scars of all our battle wounds,
invisible scars that make up the collective of our hearts.
we cry and sob and weep and plead and beg for absolution.
For some returned empathy or compassion.
We bite our fat swollen tongues till the point of bleeding to keep our honesty at bay.
my truth can kill...
but we are too nice to let that venom into the bloodstream.
we just want to be loved and cared for and touched.
we just want to be known.






Captain PirateFace

....

Twelve years ago today I attempted suicide.

glad i fucked up.



love

the captain

the softest music... yet the sweetest sound is from your breath.

Oh Joy!
Rapture!

so...
How are you kind folks doin' out there.
Are you breathing with me?

You may not know it but I think about you people...
unknown to me or why you read this inane rambling.
But, I love you for it.
And I wonder if your.....
ok.

so, I am right back where a great writer should be. alone and lonely. so on the good end of the bad stick... the sadder i am... hopefully the poetry will get better. or not.
fuck... it can't get much worse! SNORT.

I am fast approaching my 30th birthday and it isn't scary really, it's just kind of sad. When i was young and not much dumber i figured i would be "somebody" by this time. Not a "scrape by" kinda fella. I didn't even go to my high school reunion because i was embarrassed. Stupid I know but you can't make a monster into a man... just a man into a monster i.e. me (the captain).
So I find myself thinking about these women who fall in love with me.
As soon as i start to either really care about someone or love them regardless of how shitty i am treated... they leave.

maybe i am only worth loving for a little while?

maybe these lovely ladies realize they can do a hell of a lot better?

I don't really know anymore...
and the shittiest thing of all...
I am afraid to fall in love again.
and, besides that...

It's not like they are knocking down the doors.
"Hey ladies! I am an over weight school district employee, divorced with an autistic 6 year old child... what do ya think?.... wait....where are you going?"

hehe




here is some stuff that resembles writing in some obscene capacity.....


losing my ghost

she no longer haunts me
she no longer loves me
she no longer holds me
her lips will never find mine again...
never
i have been here before
in this lonely place
we are old friends, this vacant void and i

but i am breathing
walking slowly
smiling best i can
she might read this...
she might not
either way
she wont care

so many women will think this is about them...
so many women will be wrong.

fuck them all.



holding it all in. (my very rare attempt to yet again... rhyme somehow)

my breath held forever
a mistake in knowing you
my breath held forever
with my face turning blue
my breath held forever
i waited for you to smile
my breath held forever
it took a little while...
and i died.


my lovely ape

i waited...
i waited for her to love me.
to tell me her hearts secrets.
she opened up to me one special day,
like a blossoming flower... she bloomed.
And from that day on...
she never shut the fuck up again.



painful

i miss her kiss.
her soft hand in mine.
the way she would hold me... forever.
i miss the way her voice would tell me
"I love you".
Of course...
she lied.
i miss her that when i think about her...
i hurt.
and
cry.
and even though i miss her...
she will never know me again.
my touch is the touch of ghosts and fading memory.
i hope i always remember the love and the pain... everything.
i hope she never thinks of me again.


This day will never end

walking through a wasteland dribbling a basketball on the cold desert floor.
kicking up dust with every bounce.
i look up and breath in the blue tinted daylight and gag a little.
Luckily... nothing comes up (this time).
i take out a yellowing old wallet photo of you.
smiling at me forever.
i tell you i love you.
you smile at me.
i tell you how much it hurt since you left.
you keep smiling.
no matter how many times i cry to you... scream at you...
no matter how often i stare into your eyes, your reaction remains the same...
you smile at me.
and smile
and smile
and
smile.
i love you and your gone.
i have one moment from your life captured forever
on a decaying wallet photograph.
and that is all i can keep of you
i deserve nothing more.
My blue sunshine fades and dies and ghosts into a dark purple night
with twinkling bright stars.
i walk on alone in the dark deeper into my wasteland.
My basketball is gone...
and so am i.



Spoiled Milk

Radiating Beauties hanging on every word the scum spit's forward. Why cant they ever fall that deep for the lunatic? I said enough

The Watermark

Search this barren valley,Once teeming with aquatic life...now bone dry.
The skulls left behind left grinning with strange toothy smiles.Once upon a time
small delicate waves would break against jagged rocks, rocks that now sit Godly and
elevated touching the bluest of heavens.Their thirst only quenched now by passing rainstorm.The last remnants of this shimmering body of water from the past is the various watermarks left behind.











Love with my whole heart and soul...
Captain PirateFace
I want to love somebody so bad it hurts. I have a lot of love to give,

p.s.

i miss every women i have ever fallen in love with

so, ladies... On those lonely nights just remember that when you are feeling
down or unloved... If the captain ever loved you... he still loves you now.