"I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often."
— Charles Bukowski (Tales of Ordinary Madness)
So, I know it's been a quick minuet since my last update but I have been very busy as of late. I just recently moved in with my good friend Laura who is also a teacher at my school. She's like a sister to me so it's been good so far. I haven't had a chance to hook up my computer so I am updating you now from my work computer. I have had a drain in my thoughts and have not been writing as regularly as usual which makes my chubby digits sad as the feel of the pen or the picking at the letters at the keyboard is a wee bit foreign lately. so a quick story: Last Tuesday after picking up Gabriel I saw road rage at it's finest. There was two mexican gangsters guys in a car that was taking up two lanes and this red truck behind them was edging forward and the dude was laying on his horn. But what makes this story special is that the crazy horn fella in the bright red truck was wearing a red shirt and was the spitting image of Santa Claus himself. The gangsters moved forward and Santa pulled up next to them nearly scratching their car and started screaming at them. They responded by spitting at him through his open window. It got all over the door and in his beard. And what did our dear enraged Santa Do???? Started spitting massive loogies back at them!!! It had to be the unlikeliest of confrentations I have ever seen! A spitfest between Mexican Gangsters and Santa's Pissed off brother .
for a very sweet memorial by my good friend John for my good friend Daniel who recently passed away please check out.... http://www.100wattproductions.com/
I got punched in the face yesterday too by the way... I was very emotional after dropping my son off at Gina's. I needed to talk to a friend and called him from a payphone. As I was speaking to him I became more emotional and started crying. (if you did not know I was a sissy...now ya do eh?) A Mexican guy walked in the store near the end of my phone call. When I had hung up the phone the same Mexican guy came walking out of the convenience store and laughed at me and pointed at me calling me a "little bitch". My response... "Fuck Yourself". He did not seem to see the humor I did in my response and walked over to me punching me in my right cheek. He then stood there waiting for me to fight back, I was too damn sad and tired to get arrested for beating a Mexican half to death so I just stood there and told him this. He walked away laughing and the clerk inside the store ran out yelling..."I got his plate number do you want me to call the cops??", I just said no and that I wanted to get home. so i did. The thing that pisses me off now is that I could have beat the living shit out of that short, sissy punch fuck... ih well.
lame eh?
goodnight rat bastards as I am falling asleep on these keys.
Today I took my son to the Calico Basin and to Bonnie Springs. My son is badass... we took a hike up a high trail that leads up and over a mountain and then down into a wash... he conquered that shit like he had done it a hundred times before. And when we ran out of trail he wanted to keep hiking until we got to the "Dark Mountain", a mountain being covered in rain. I had to tell him no and he was pissed. Bonnie Springs is depressing and everything is fucking broke... and they charge you $20 to get in...ripoff. The only good thing was watching this all black chicken hanging off the edge off a tin roof that hung near the petting zoo trail sweat people, especially teenagers as they walked buy. He sweat the shit out of me too it was funny as hell. Oh buy the way we found out that my Dad was wrongfully diagnosed with Hepatitis C...thank God. Other then that the day was OK. The outlying mountains near Red Rock are amazingly beautiful especially on a rainy day.
On a more somber note...
My friend Daniels funeral was very sad and I had a hard time keeping composure, especially after seeing him in his coffin for the first time. and that's all I really want to say about that.
My friend Daniel passed away recently due to heart failure and his funeral is on Friday. I will be attending and it will be very hard.
If you do not know me well you better stay away from me that day.
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Not much thought processing today... kinda in retard mode (sorry retards!) I have been thinking a whole lot about Hunter S. Thompson... And even though he decided to kill himself and take his own exit I kinda want to re-assembel his cannon blasted ashes and punch him repeatedly in the face for giving up on this strange and cursed world we live in. I dare you to read anything by the man and not find one quote you will either believe in, fall in love with or laugh at. He was a selfish brilliant asshole and even though I never got to meet him and mingle our different kinds of insanity together I miss him dearly.
What a fuckass.
I can't even open this face up enough to give you the poison pulsating and belching from my brain. I can't make you understand the strange rabid dog thoughts I posess and cry to and jerk off to. I can't make you see me as I really am as I am a liar and a master of disguise and I am sorry for that my true and trusted friends. I am so sorry.
One of my top right back teeth is broken in half and the nerve is exposed. Yeeehaw! Also, One of my bottom left back teeth is also broken in half and the nerve is also exposed. 2 FOR ONE DEAL YO! Anybody want to send me pain meds? I will "not" say no.
anywho.
My Dad found out the other day that he has Hepatitis C. My Dad is a pessimist as I am. He has himself dead and buried which isn't good for him or my mother and the stress is causing angry outbursts and fights in the house so I take drives wherever I can go to escape the craziness.
I love my parents and want to help them but all I know to do right now is just give support. It just seems life shits on my family on a daily basis is all.
On the side of sweetness and tenderness... I just can't seem to take in that not all people think I am a horrible, lowlife loser deformed troll of a man like I do. It's hard for me to take compliments and I have a hard time accepting the love people try and give me. I usually throw my insanity at any kind of love and that disease infects the people that love me and they retreat. As it did my soon to be Ex-Wife.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
Speaking of "CRAZY". My moods are becoming more erratic lately. While driving on the freeway the other afternoon I was caught in traffic and started singing along to the Weezer song "Dreaming". I felt compelled to pour my bottle of water over my head drenching me and my cloths and my driver side interior. Then after wildly singing along and rarely keeping my hands on the wheel I decided it was a fine time to take off my shirt and drive shirtless and wet with the windows rolled down singing along to Weezer's "Dreaming" over and over again. I felt like I was watching a person take over my body as if my actions were not my own. I felt happy but in a way that just didn't seem right. Afterwards I went home and crashed into a deep depression and fell asleep very, very early. I just don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I need to find a new therapist. (know any good ones in the Las Vegas area folks??? Ones that may be able to deal with my personality type???)
I also am going to be trying out Anti-Depressants again as I think it couldn't do any harm. could it?
So what of any good news eh? I get to see my little man today which is a day early. I miss the hell out of him. Gina thinks I am out playing every day while the reality of the situation is I can't hear her phone calls from the dungeon of a downstairs in my mother's house. She thinks I ignore my son when he wants to talk to me around bed time but that's just not true. I miss my son like I would miss the sound of my heart beating. Sometimes she fails to see that her leaving me didn't just fuck her up. It tore my life apart and my son's as well. I don't hate her for wanting to have left me. That was her decision. I will not go into detail but I will say that it's what she felt she needed to do and sometimes... about half the time I agree with why she left and believe most of the reasons she gives to be true. But sometimes I don't and think she made a mistake that someday she will come to regret. But I give myself that right to think in two separate thought patterns... I am crazy aren't I?
I have a grip of more poetry to post but just haven't had the strength or patience to do just that. But I will soon and it won't be one of those... "I will post TONIGHT!" and two weeks later you get an "Awe Shucks, I forgot to post and will really do it tonight." and then space that altogether. Are any of you actually reading this blog and my poetry? Who the Hell knows as NOBODY barely ever leaves me comments or sends me any kind of contact. So I might just be posting for Sherrie and Ben and myself as I love to read old entries and say "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I post this shitty shit shit?"
So I will try again out of hopeless desperation to connect with any of my fictional readers. (I mean fuck all my counter keeps going up pretty often? Is it because the word "Pornography" is in the title?)
Please feel free to leave a comment fuck-o's and please feel free to contact me through e-mail at CaptPirateFace@aol.com
see ya later salamander.
Captain PirateFace
P.S. Oh yeah! I am not quite as much a fat fuck anymore. I went from last June weighing 310 lbs (I am 6'3 gimme a little bit here ya snickering fucks) to the comfy weight of 255 lbs. And I am losing more hopefully by the day. My weight loss plan... LOTS OF FUCKING STRESS! It really works folks... don't knock that shit until you try it. Also quitting soda for the most part and just drinking water. No more booze. (Still haven't kicked the pain meds yet but I do have a legitimate injury... yeah I know sometimes I run out before it's time... shut up) And small meals (no over eating... just because the breakfast came with huge ass pancakes doesn't mean you HAVE to gobble them down if your already feeling full.)
so, so much to tell and so little ability to tell it in. saw Lagwagon... amazing show. Took a picture with Joey Cape and my mom erased it from the camera. Saw "Choke" great flick... equally good as the book. Still in the throes of divorce and that does not get easier in the slightest. Have really good people in my life holding me up even though I am constantly falling down. Suffice to say, it's been really rough. I have been leaving poems and flyer's for this twisted little blog all over town so if you found one... hi. Was reading a trade paperback from the library the other day (for the life of me I cannot recall the name) and in the back I saw an awesome pin-up done by the infamous Ben Hall. There is a link to his art to the right in my links. He and his wife Marlena are just amazing. Miss you guys. I spend a lot of time in a constant state of confusion. Sometimes really sad and once in a while very angry. But I guess that's life right?? So here is some crap that I have been working on as of late. it's not all genius and it's mostly just crap. Some of it are thoughts and some are complete poems and some aren't complete anything. so here is the poison folks... swallow or choke the choice is all yours.
Love Captain PirateFace
Heart attack baby.
I feel an ache in my chest. As my rhythm breaks down to a scattered beat. My fingers claw my chest looking for an invisible button to push... for a door hinge to open... maybe even an emergency phone to God begging for one more chance at life. No luck baby. I'm dead meat. dead duck. dead doornail. Who left out the beef? Ah fuck it! Who needed the heart ache anyway?
My solid mind.
I used to think I was fucked up. Then I thought I was wrong... and that I had made it all up. But I now think I am all fucked up again. I am coming home. Full fucking circle.
Auto
I want to be numb. I want to do terrible things and be forgiven for them. I want to cry and wail and be held. I want to die a little bit and take a little life every day. I want to love. I want to be loved by everyone. I want to be touched. Caressed. FUCKED. Sucked. Shaken. Held. Attacked. I want to destroy everything in the world.
Visiting from far away.
Like walking out on an ice covered lake. It's foreign to me and hard to comprehend my own movements. Always in fear of the cracking ice beneath my feet. Always near the point of tumbling into the darkness and drowning all alone. I always would tread softly. Vastly aware of all the dreams set at my feet. Mine having been trampled underfoot long ago.
Who made you the great decider of fates, man-child?
God could not trust you with such a massive undertaking. Especially when your allways fighting and yelling at God with your fists clenched and tears in your eyes.
Me, a child of wonder and romantic fantasies.
Almost 30 years old does not count or come close to being a child. Yet I fabricate lies as quickly as a little boy caught elbow deep in the cookie jar. I pretend I am invisible like when I was little. It must be working because when I smile they don't smile back anymore.
I just wanted to hold you dear so you could feel my old body and my teenage heart beating against your body of sweet, sexy, delicate and sex sweaty lies.
So, we meet again?
Her smile breaks me down, and I smile up at my pleasant death.
Blind please
We stand staring into one anothers eyes deep and full of fears, passions, resentments, tears. And I can't tell if you are telling me "Love me" or "Leave me" anymore. Your eyes are your mystery while mine give my every thought away... my every emotion. I was foolish to stare so long to begin with.
break apart
we break apart after tainted kisses on the verge of tears and laughter.
Sitting in traffic
Kids fighting in the backseat of a Toyota Sienna for over 20 minuets in front of me in traffic. Past tinted glass I see little silhouettes ball their fists and attack over and over again. Making me laugh over and over again. An Indian couple behind me in traffic lean in from their seats meeting in the middle touching their heads together, then kiss... pulling a sigh from my lungs. Still, all in traffic.
blistered
my face is long and tired and full of thoughts that can't be controlled. I think about Cat Stevens and how he lost his mind and let his musical spirit fade away because he converted to the Muslim religion and how many years later was banned from commercial airlines to fly to America due to suspected terrorist activity.
Captain's Heaven
When I think of heaven I can't visualize bright white light... I think of an old room filled with antiques and soft dim light and soft old furniture.
8:05pm September 20th 2008
Kind of a hard day today. Not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel... in all honesty he was an angel... no pun intended. I just felt vacant and misplaced... as if not belonging anywhere. But kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel. We now, as I am writing this, are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas. Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighter hats, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an endurance of strength match with a mallet. Me holding a blow up spider man mallet he won earlier in the same game. Four crispy waters unopened and ready and one opened in each of our laps. The stage crew is slowly getting things ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unrecognizable drum beat testing out the drums. Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fireman's hat demands my attention so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down earlier on an amusement ride. I put my pen don and listen to my best friend in this whole crazy wide world.
Undress Sundress
She stains my coths everytime. But keeps coming back even though I am an aweful fuck. What do I want out of this life? What do I get? Love Sex Penetration Passion. Hand holding? Lip locked kisses? And I bow out now. This sleeper is waking the fuck up yo.
Prohibited
No Humor No Love No Joy Restricted of human passions. Leave your personality at home.
Bright Futures.
We have brought down the pain and the tears. We have sunk into the honest retribution and apathy. I have become living empathy. Like a raw exposed nerve. I can't close my eyes anymore because I fear the ghosts will be upon me with their wanting eyes begging me with their soundless lips. I just keep backing away from the nightmares and daydreams. Praying for a better anything. Until I have backed myself into a corner. Fearing I will lose control at any second.
I have (I think) Anal Fissures, and I get ulcers. I had the most unfucking funny talk with a teacher that I would like to "not" name the other day. I used the restroom when I got to work the other day, and had to rush to get out and be where I was needed, I work with kids... I am a campus Security Monitor. Well soon after work had begun this "Teacher" came over to me and said that I had left blood in the toilet after flushing....
ok. And that he knows we all have our problems but I should do a double take when finished and then if I see any blood or guts (his words) I should take a paper towel or a moist towelette and clean the inside of the toilet up so nobody would ever have to perchance across one of my horrible bloody disgusting messes again.
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ok.
The least fun I have had in a conversation this year (so far).
The following was written at 8:05pm on Saturday September 20th 2008
Kind of a hard day, not in terms of hanging out with Gabriel.. in all honesty he was an angel.. no pun intended. I just felt vacant and misplaced...as if not belonging anywhere. But still kept my smile and spirits up for and because of Gabriel. We now, as I am writing this.. are waiting in the cool September night air on a patch of equally cool and comfortable grass to watch the band Everclear play for free tonight in North Las Vegas. Both of us wearing plastic "kids" firefighters helmets, Gabriel holding a knock off lightsabre he won in an indurance of strenght match with a mallet (Carney Game). Me holding a blow up Spidey Mallet he won earlier in the very same game. 4 crisp waters unopened and ready and one opened in each of our laps. The stage crew is slowly getting things ready as we listen to an unamed individual pound out an unoticable drum beat, testing out the drums. Gabriel now tapping on my plastic fire hat demands my attention so he can proudly tell me about the bridge he crossed and the slide he went down earlier that afternoon. I put down my pen and listen to my very best friend in this whole wide world.
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.
qualified for or having a claim to reward, assistance, etc., because of one's actions, qualities, or situation: the deserving poor; a deserving applicant.
2.
meriting; worthy: a criminal deserving of a lifetime sentence.
the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
2.
the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.
Nine Inch Nails -and all that could have been-
Breeze still carries the sound Maybe I'll disappear Tracks will fade in the snow You won't find me here
Ice is starting to form Ending what had begun I am locked in my head With what I've done I know you tried to rescue me Didn't let anyone get in Left with a trace of all that was And all that could have been
Please Take this And run far away Far away from me I am Tainted The two of us Were never meant to be All these Pieces And promises and left behinds If only I could see In my Nothing You meant everything Everything to me Gone fading everything And all that could have been
Please Take this And run far away Far as you can see I am Tainted And happiness and peace of mind Were never meant for me All these Pieces And promises and left behinds If only I could see In my Nothing You meant everything Everything to me..........................................................................
i am tired and need sleep and cant sleep and couldn't sleep. and that's what i get. i don't know how to do this whole "life" thing... i just keep fucking it up. i can't seem to get things right. i just don't have a single fucking clue what to do anymore.... nobody has the answer either, friends, family i even thought that praying would help... all i got in response was mostly shrugged shoulder's, "i don't knows" and silence from the so called "great creator". silence all night long when all i needed to defeat the darkness around me was the laughter in a voice. lame captain.... lame.
it's 7:21 am and i still have yet to sleep or rest and one of the most important days in a very long time is today and i will be fucked in all manners. when my mother gave birth i wonder if she had wished for any children that had lived?
no more name
as the world went white and horrible he found himself alone and afraid. and he could almost bare the loneliness that was driving him further into madness. as long as it kept it from all those that he loved. he was nobody here. no name. no personality. no more heart. no heartache. fair trade he thought. and if they never found him again, maybe they could hold on to a good memory... instead of all the bad ones he himself had created. and as the white world succumbed to darkness he held his hand out wanting.. knowing it would never feel the tight embrace of another's ever again.
I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything
What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here
What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end
You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
