Where has it gone? Damn that pesky soul of mine!!!

(Written Saturday June 30th 2007)
No Sex, No Drugs... just melancholy Rock n' Roll.

Finished "The Old Man and the Sea", just amazing really. I think the way the main character (the old man) thinks should be converted into a religion. So humble and sweet natured. Without telling the whole story just know that he is possibly the most humble character to ever exist.
-
Ryne, I appreciate your concern, but I would rather you not treat me with kid gloves and just come see me or call. As I have just been worried sick and thus affecting me even more negatively. Am I disappointed? Yes, but I don't hate you kid. You and Frank are my little brothers. You know I am and have always been here to help. So stop being a bitch and get in touch with me. Sorry that this is so "Public" but you know I am a weird fucker with weird moods.
-
didn't go see She Wants Revenge tonight... why. Fuck if I know.
-
Tonight I am listening to Elliot Smith break my heart with little jabs from the rentals, bright eyes and of course the Arcade Fire.
-


Tonight's Soundtrack, "The Captains Saddest Sea Songs for a full moonlit night"
1. Bright Eyes = First Day of my Life
2. Elliot Smith = The Biggest Lie
3. Arcade Fire = Intervention
4. Pink Floyd = Vera
5. Daniel Johnston = The Story of an Artist
6. Bright Eyes = Landlocked Blues
7. Daniel Johnston = Devil Town
8. Pink Floyd = Nobody Home
9. Elliot Smith = 2:45am
10. Arcade Fire = Accidents
11. The Rentals = Move On
-

On with the "Fuck-A-Round!"



One so short, if you blink it you may miss it.

The most amazing, breathtaking and beautiful sound I have ever heard...
The sound of my son inhale and exhale as he sleeps deeply and sweetly.
Brings me to instant tears.


The compromise

Tell you what...
you stop forcing me knee deep in misery,
and I will stop smothering you with love, pain and anguish.


Take this life and shove it! and please forgive me when all is said and done.

I have become the unwanted prisoner of lucid dreaming.
I turn my head near breaking this fat neck to watch you walk by me...
past me.
Near breaking my neck.
My concentration.
Sitting on the top of my cloud nine I suddenly feel fear and the effect of a winter hurricane.
Battered by the ice cold rain of love.
Tidal waves of hate.
Obliterating my safest spot, my cloud nine.
Crashing this fat boy into the ocean.
My drowning in slow motion.
Confusing the poor fish.
Things are beginning to fade out and go dark when suddenly
a hand breaks through the crashing waves above and out of the pitch black.
Warm to the touch as it holds my head under filling my soul with salt water
and vast nothingness.
Sometimes bad poetry ends this way,
as do bad poets.


Bed time stories just got a tad bit harder to enjoy.

This sky is empty.
No clouds.
No Rain.
No God.
My heart is empty.
As the battles become savage and bloody with lifeless bodies strewn about...
And Death crouches down grinning as he empties wallets, pockets and purses.
As the battles have all become lost.
No triumph, no salvation... No victory kisses.
But we can all count on one thing.
There will always be traffic.


the night is getting to me, finally.

I am alone.
The hallways gather me up, and I am swallowed by their enormity.
I can hear almost everything.
The slow rattle and hum
as copious amounts of cold air is pushed from the air conditioning unit's vent.
My thoughts though are side tracked and taken up by raw bursts of negativity.
Like this infinite lonesomeness.
like this unrelenting heartache.
My mood is sombre, but not to worry...
I can still fake a smile.


The scars and the lies.

For every visible scar on my hulking frame..
there is a lie.
As many scars there are lies.
And to see me, it has to be known that they number high.
My truth is all but forgotten and I miss the person that I have trouble truly remembering.
God willing, some day when there is no more story left and I am bolted up in a shiny new casket,
We will meet.
The lies and the truth.
I hope we beat each other into a second death.






















____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

July 1st 2007 THE RETURN OF THE RENTALS!!!!
July 1st 2007 THE RETURN OF THE RENTALS!!!!

Las Vegas, NV.

Tonight I saw at "The Beauty Bar" a special up close and personal show featuring "The Rentals"!
I found out about the show around 6:30pm and debated on if I should go or not
(due to my being very, very broke).
But my wife, in a truly sweet and sincere moment told me I had to go see them live as
I have been waiting to see the Rentals since my Freshman year of High School.
Not only did she tell me I had to go, she gave me the $$$ she had intended to use
towards the getting ready of her art show at T.A.O. Gallery Next Thursday.
So, I arrive at the Beauty Bar and wait in the back near the door that leads to the
outside stage area. I am lucky that I can actually hear The Rentals sound checking
every time somebody opens the door leading outside. After waiting what felt like an
eternity we finally went outside to watch the show. The opening band I had never
heard of was called "Goldenboy" and was very pleasant on the ears. But in all honesty
it was hard to focus as my mind was racing with excitement in waiting for the Rentals.
Finally they took to the stage and from that point on until the end it was just pure magic.
Let me explain...
The Rentals did something very, very special for me tonight.
With all the issues I have been dealing with as of late they truly brought me out of a very
dark place and shined some incredible light into my life. I had been down for so long I
forgot what it was like to be enraptured in pure joy and fun! I grinned like an idiot the whole
performance, I sang along loud and I felt a jolt of life jump back into this very tired soul.
Some of the song highlight's included: "The Cruise", "Move on", "Friends of P", "Waiting",
"These Days", "Seven more minuets" and some new material on their upcoming E.P.
They put on a heartfelt and powerful performance all wrapped up in one big burrito of fun.
After the show I got to meet members from the band including singer and brainchild Matt Sharp.
I told him that I had been waiting since High School to see the Rentals rock Las Vegas and
in his response he was a complete nice guy.
Shaking my hand and signing random things pushed his way and stopping for photographs
with all his twenty something to mid thirty something fans...
and that of course includes me.

(Very Dark Photo of "The" Matt Sharp and Captain PirateFace

I told him that my 3 year old son will have the pleasure of seeing them live with me when they
come back in September to rock the House of Blues. My advice... Go see them live!
You will not be disappointed.
They put on an amazing live show and include so many of your favorites in the set you don't
even have time to whine if they don't include your favorite song...
ahem.."Man with two brains".
I am counting the days until I can the see them at the House of Blues Show, and cannot wait
to share in the joy of the music with my little boy.
The Rentals (as far as live performances go) rank up there with the best I have seen.
Nine Inch Nails, Mogwai, Lagwagon, They Might be Giants....
See The Rentals live at The House of Blues On Wednesday September 19th!
You will not be disappointed. Here are some pictures I scared up.



____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

July First 2007 (now it's dark)

Well, it's times like this I can say with a straight face I am a complete friggin psycho.
I felt so good during and after the Rentals show last night and today/tonight...now,
I am just crashing into a pool of depression. Now some of you are saying...
"Big fucking surprise captain, you are a natural crybaby/whiner."
Yeah...but....not all the time alright!!!
I was looking at my "I-Tunes" play lists and it seems I have just as many play lists
as I have songs. Weird fucker that I am.
Tonight I will be listening to some Beethoven and a wee bit of Clinic and some Muse...
Also some Iron & Wine, Joy Division, Radiohead, Elliot Smith, Brand New, Cake. Youth Group and Gus Gus. I am actually sorta digging Marilyn Manson's new album and I haven't really dug his stuff since he had left Nothing Records and parted ways with the T. Rez.
Oh, I think I will include some of Prick/Lucky Pierre's music in the mix tonight to make me feel young again. HA.

I was looking through some burned DVD's when I got home tonight separating junk from necessity from blank discs and happened upon a rare treat (insert sarcasm here).
It was a DVD recording of my Grandmother's funeral. Not only was it a very hard day, but I also got to watch myself stand up and take the podium and say some things about my grandmother.
It was like re-living the funeral. Watching me on video sob uncontrollably was just gut wrenching
and heartbreaking.
So, it kind of steered me to where I am now.

Gina and I have been getting along the last couple of day's...
Am I convinced she still loves me? I don't know.
I do know I love her and will keep trying to win her back until I either succeed or she does leave me. But, it's hard to love a guy like me. I am a clinical bi-polar mess of ecstatic joy to rage to depression. it's like a roller coaster that never gets fun.
And despite whatever happens between us... she is a great mom and a fantastic artist,
I am very proud of her. Look in this upcoming weeks "Citylife" for an article about her and her artwork and upcoming Gallery showing starting this Thursday.

After posting tonight I plan on watching "Boogie Nights". Those that think it's just a movie about porn should just line up in the stupid line now. It's very deep and has a lot to say about people of all walks of life.

so that's all amigo's.

Oh and to the very nice young lady who sent me a great comment on my foolish rambling style.
Thank you. I love the feedback as it makes me feel like there may be "actual" people reading this
garbage other than my sweet and overly concerned cousins.
Please keep the feedback coming and I would love to dive into some of your literature some time.


The "Captain PirateFace is a whiny bitch" Soundtrack

1. Radiohead = Creep (acoustic)
2. Prick = Make believe
3. Elliot Smith = King's Crossing
4. Youth Group = Skeleton Jar
5. Brand New = Jesus
6. Joy Division = Atmosphere
7. Iron & Wine = Naked as we came
8. Prick = No fair fights
9. Arcade Fire = Neon Bible
10. The Rentals = Say Goodbye Forever
11. Gus Gus = Is Jesus your pal?
12. Cake = She'll come back to me
13. Joy Division = Love will tear us apart
14. Prick = Universe
15. The Rentals = Move on

"I see now my ship it has come in... But it was a joke, there's nothing aboard."
-Prick "Make believe"-

On with the words.












The problem with crying out and exposing your feelings.

They, the collective crowd of friends and family, enemies, supervisors and make believe pals...
Pricked up their ears and with burning torches and pitchforks in hand
were ready to finally listen.
Trying to speak all that came out, instead of words...
was a guttural growling sound...
little dog whimpers and the occasional cat hiss..
as tears streamed down the face.
The faces turned ugly and those with free hands covered their ears and let out panicked yells.
Babies cried.
Old folks fainted.
Nobody could recognize me.
And those that maybe could either pretended they couldn't...
or just did not care.
And as they approach, Hate in the eyes and the blood lust in their heart's...
I don't make a move to run.
I don't move a muscle.
Devils believing in their hearts that they are doing what any self respecting Angel would do.
They tear me apart.
My meat in their teeth.
My sorrow and heartache tainting their weapons with red, red blood.
No winners.
Just self proclaimed winners and one incredible loser.


One sad and lonely little robot

A fall from grace.
A push from the the pirate ship's plank.
Metal sinks fast and hard.
This robot heavy hearted sank twice as fast.
Knocking out a mermaid on his way down.
At the bottom he sat on a large volcanic rock and cried.
The sea creatures sat somberly looking on.
The Kraken scooped up the little robot and lacking the words cradled him in his giant arms.
The little robot said in his speak-and-spell voice that:
"Nobody loves me... Everyone leaves me behind or pushes me away."
And all the sea monster could do was hold the little robot a little tighter,
letting a few tears of his own float into the surrounding ocean.
The water level raised that evening quite a bit as the Kraken had never cried before.
And things may have not gotten better or they may have...
All anyone knows is that for just a moment in time things had become a little bit nicer.
A little robot finally felt the love he wanted returned so badly
and a sea monster felt empathy and cried.







the last time

The long walk through thick darkness.
Pale and eyeless people stand on the sides stretching out their hands.
They want to feel the warmth of your skin.
They want to feel alive.
And with every touch you twitch.
Stars burn bright in the night sky and the moon is full and radiant with madness.
The brain aches and the throat is soar from the constant sobbing.
There has to be another path.
Another way.
We will find a way to carry on...
You and I...
Our own path will be guilt free.
Our path will be soft grass and bathed in a pale moonlight reserved for sweet dreams...
Leading to the ocean, where in it's dark waters we will wash the pain away.
Where we will stand waist deep surrounded by the warmth of one another
and the circling of stingrays and sharks.




Goodnight and may sanity keep company with us all.

Captain PirateFace

a blue world and night swimming

what a strange time as of late.
I think lately I have been at my most confused, sad and optimistic.

There has been a slew of strange days where the many persona's of Captain PirateFace have taken the reins of this chunk ass pirates body machine.
I have lost some friendships and a huge amount of faith in people.
But I am, for the most part... doing alright.
I have been reading allot lately. Right now I am reading "The old man and the Sea" and will leave you with a quote from that book before the strange and random poetry. I am not going to delve too much into my personal life tonight, but I will say that every day I hope for the best and usually get the opposite or worse.. but like the fool I am destined to be... I just cannot give up.

Random thoughts:
Saw "Harry and the Potters" with Gabriel a weekish ago and they were just fantastic.. find their music and see them live. For a band that just does songs about everything Harry Potter they kick some major ass and are very fun to watch.
The Rentals are coming to Las Vegas! FUCK YEAH! If you are scratching your head (or ass) saying "who???" Go find their music and listen... now. Also going to be seeing Reel Big Fish soon and tomorrow night, She Wants Revenge.
To those of you who used to be my pals... couldn't you have just looked on from the outside?
Sheri, again you rock and thank you for reading this shite blog of doom.
(which I know you are doing right now).
Oh yeah and....

If you can attend... please do! Also the Captain Will be there on First Friday as well.
(Hopefully with a new zine baby!)
Nuff about this and that and on with the torture baby!

A small sample of lyrics from "The man with two brains" by The Rentals...
It just feels like a Captain PirateFace theme song...

Been thinkin' bout the conversations, our situation My frustration, leading to your suffocation Feel uptight and my thoughts deranged and insane Like The Man With Two Brains So, I forgot the neurotic, got into the psychotic All those words haven't heard, you're kind of erotic Got no guilt, got no mind, got no reason, got no time I'm high on the sly

And another bit of lyrics from "These Days" By The Rentals

These days I may not be so happy After all, after all that I have gained I still feel sad when I'm all alone I may have felt that path decay? I may not be so swift after all All the chances you have given me I just let you go I guess I've been like this before Sometimes I can't stand up and be a man But God why would I lose it now When I need my strength at hand You know sometimes I can be real cool All the words just seem to flow right along But when that girl approaches me Well it all goes wrong These days leave me hopelessly delirious I wish these days were gone Oh please end These days I may not be so happy After all, after all the chances you have given me I just let you go let you go
___________________________________________________________________
The Current "Life of Captain PirateFace" Soundtrack

1. Link Wray = Rumble
2. Sid Vicious = Somethin' Else
3. The Rentals = Man with two brains
4. Nine Inch Nails = A warm place (featuring Stella Soleil)
5. Arcade Fire = In the backseat
6. Clinic = Distortions
7. Public Image Limited = Rise
8. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds = The Weeping Song
9. Santo and Johnny = Sleep Walk
10. Air = Il Secundo Giorno (Instrumental)
11. Gordon Merrick and Liz Enthusiasm = The Never Ending Story
12. Kings of Leon = On Call
13. Violent Femmes = American Music
14. Jim Carrol Band = People who died

___________________________________________________________________

"Imagine, if each day a man must try to kill the moon, he thought. The moon runs away.
But imagine if a man each day should have to try to kill the sun? We were born lucky, he thought."

The old man's thoughts from
"The Old man and the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway



















this fragmented mind has gone iron

Too much on the brain.
Thoughts of female companionship used to ease the pressure...
now it's closer to a forced seizure.
I truly believe that God put me together wrong.
Not enough brains and too much heart.
What a prankster.
I don't know how to command this failing mind.
The sadness sets in and the storm breaks sinking my toy boats in an angry dark ocean.
The rage tears my soul, my stomach and my life into bloody strips of meat.
My record is skipping and she stands in the corner swaying to the mistake of my looping, screeching heartache...
Refusing to turn the phonograph off, or even smashing the record to shiny vinyl pieces of death.
I am failing at everything except failing.
And though you all are quick to pin it down as a lie...
I love you all and gladly suffer for all the mistakes any of us have made.
I am not alone in crumbling my universe.
All you smiling bastards with weapon of choice, secretively hidden behind your backs can share in this wealth of guilt, even if it is mostly my burden to carry.
I wish you all the best.
And of course just a touch of this madness you all seem to think you understand...
yeah good luck with that.
Good luck.



pity for what?

Today I sat staring into the sun,
watching Angels collide and come crashing down at my feet.
I listened for my lovers voice in the distance...
my very own sweet wife.
But all that ever came back was silence.
The limited love ran out and just as she had begged me to do,
time and time again, my body collapsed soulless and rigid...
my eyes locked in a death stare as my final tears fell like dying stars down my weathered face.
She begged for this.
I am only complying.
I slip away every night.
I beg her to hold me..
to never let me go...

She always waves goodbye as she walks into the darkness.
























Goodnight, Good luck and love to you all,

Captain PirateFace

you know what?

Fuck it all...


I will and can, do this by myself.


I don't need anyone.


p.s.

look for some poetry this upcoming weekend.

oh and don't play at being my friend when you are not even close.




Captain PirateFace

pirates and graduates... oh my~

and i open with song lyrics....

" A warm place " by nine inch nails-Singing by Stella Soleil (unreleased version)
-find it and download it, truly beautiful-

water rolls down the skin like tiny beads
eyes close so that they might see.
illum tangendo
this sun is a star in someone else's sky
this moon is making someone cry
illum tangendo.

____________________________________________________________________
to my "friends" that think i am scum of the earth. i just might be and i am sorry you had to find out how terrible of a person i truly am. but do not pretend to know what my life entails, walk in my shoes and then start digging the grave and let me know if i still deserve to be buried alive. as of getting what i deserve... i don't deserve what i have in the first place. i wish i did but i don't. i am not a good person. i play it up that i am but i am truly not. but, i believe i have the ability to change and anyone who says different was never a friend to begin with. i will change, blink and you will miss it. i will be all that i have always wanted. i am truly sorry that you believe that i am this horrible person. i may be a horrible person but i can also say that i am other things as well. sometimes lonely, sometimes desperately sad, sometimes a hero to a teenager who needs somebody to listen, and even sometimes a good father. remember "judge lest ye be judged"... we all have the occasional skeleton grinning devilishly from our closet.
___________________________________________________________________
This past weekend I had the chance to see my "little" cousin Shazia graduate from the university of Santa Cruz. I cannot put into words how utterly proud I am of her. She was completely radiant while waiting for her name to be called. When I hugged her and congratulated her, I could not help but burst out in tears with how very proud I am of her. It was a great day and a bit of a rough on for this old pirate. I couldn't help but think how badly I wished that I had gone to collage and done something remarkable. All in all though my thoughts would drift over to my son and I realized I had done something remarkable. I am totally in love with Santa Cruz and know I will someday, hopefully sooner than later. Here are some pictures from the Graduation and the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

Shazia on Graduation day...isn't she cute

Shazia tired from Graduation Day.

Wild haired captain PirateFace with Gabe the creep.











and that's all for tonight

Goodnight from,
Captain

I was on my knees, when you knocked me down.

Hello all,

I have just seen an amazing film tonight.

"Knocked up"

I have never seen a film that more accurately portrays marriage and having a kid and getting older (mid age). It looks like a typically funny/goofy comedy by the trailer but turns out not only to be just that but very endearing. I almost cried like 10 times throughout the whole film. It was uncanny how I saw my wife and I in the characters portrayed by Paul Rudd and the actress playing his wife (forgive me I do not know her name).
And as odd as it sounds... made me realize some things about myself and my wife.
I can't go into details without this post becoming one gigantic spoiler. Just go see it, it's a movie everybody should see. ____________________________________________________________________ Please forgive my harshness in last nights post. I had a rough day and instead of being the usual whiny bitch that I am, I was in Dr. Claw mode. Again, sorry. ____________________________________________________________________
The need for light in dark places Sometimes.

I just want to reach up past this smothering darkness and melancholy.
And it seems that almost every time there is a lack of light to guide my way.
And with the lack of guiding light...
I reach out into darkness grasping at pitch black.
Almost in a panic and a sob, in need of human touch.
I just run, and fall and yell... into this oblivion.


Look past the windshield at the mountains.

The outline shows a darker swath on a passing painting of midnight mountains.
Surrounded by stars.
All these beautiful things I will never see.
Those masses of land will never know the force of my footfall.
The echo of my voice.
Those passing forests.
Rivers and lakes.
I will never push the baby branches out of my path.
My skin will never shutter with the splash of cold mountain water.
It's all passing me by.
As I keep watching out the window refusing to be free.
Refusing to stop the god damned car.


All those beautiful wet eyes, fresh with tears.

Shaking. Sobbing. Weeping.
Into their hands...
Young and old.
Selfish tears and tears that should have been shed years before.
Lonely faces twisted up to shadow the twisted guts inside.
Tears of frustration.
Uncontrollable tears of joy.
Tears that have fallen and broke on the artist's canvas.
The poets words.
Crying babies.
Weeping lovers.
Funeral songs and instant shock reminders of past...
loves. hate. pity.
Coffins wet from the release of pent up emotion by collected souls letting go.
The tears I cry right now.
With you. For you. For myself.
For life and love and my beautiful little boy.
For my wife's decision of having married me and endured me,
and as this is written is still trying to love me.
For the mother and father that love me strongly...
at their convenience.
For all the mothers and fathers and children.
For those moments sitting and sobbing to newsprint stories and hard headlines and local news. For the disappointment families feel for one another.
For the family disappointed in me.
To this damned song I am listening to right now.
Those faces.
Ugly still beautiful for having the capacity to love and care and be passionate enough to cry.
Old faces and young faces and angry faces and love lorn faces.
Yours, mine and ours.
And in the end... the return of just one simple smile.


Well, I am gonna just stop with that as I just do not think I can top that with any other emo shit.
Goodnight Everybody.

Captain PirateFace

nosebleed and sunshine

Fuck it up PirateFace
Fuck it up PirateFace
Fuck it up PirateFace
Fuck it up!

_________________________________________________________
Shams:

Marriage
Jobs/$$$
Blockbuster Films
Parks overcrowded with assholes blocking my kid when he wants to slide.

_________________________________________________________

A message to the wife:
"Don't you tell me how I feel... you don't know just how I feel."
nine inch nails "I do not want this"
(She doesn't read my blog.... so don't worry about her getting mad at me. My art form means "fuck all" to her, so she does not go out of her way to actually read my shit. oh yeah by the way... go see her Show at the TAO Gallery on July 5th 2007. for more info go to her myspace page, www.myspace.com/artbygina)

___________________________________________________________________
if i had one wish... i would wish my son and i away from all the people that keep holding us back.
___________________________________________________________________

I want to take a moment to congratulate my cousin Shazia. She is graduating from collage
this weekend. (I was supposed to be there but selfish people have prevented this from happening) She and her sister are the success story of our family. See, our family's motto is usually "Crash and burn and take out as many fuckers as you can on the way out". She is not one of those people. As far as hearts go, she has one of the absolute kindest. Proof is in the pudding dear reader, think about it... if she wasn't a kind person how on earth could she put up with me?
Anyhow, to see her amazing personality sparkle just go visit her blogspot @ Frankensteinspetelephant.blogspot.com
____________________________________________________________________

Close your eyes tight my son.

I will hold you close to me as long as you want.
As long as you let me.
I will shield you and protect you from this world.
And when the times are rough...
Close your eyes tight my son.
Find solace in the moment...
like daddy had always done
and just close your eyes tight.

The pain of growing up comes fast.
All beginning with those damn beasts that bite into a person in adolescence.
The beast's of love and of stress.
It's all an elaborate set-up.
And the day you come to realize that these things are set to happen
for the rest of your life...
to make you ready for this unfair world.
Close your eyes tight my son.
But the hardest part now my boy...
is knowing that you have to open them back up again.

I sit here in darkness thinking,
thinking of the things that men fear that tears away little peaces of soul.
And it almost becomes unbearable when heartbreak and stress are joined by
that poison word... regret.
I close my eyes tight, my son.
And I hold on to that temporary sanity,
The thought of you.


at my feet my soul lays dead

when you took out your knives and stabbed strait for my heart...
you missed.
plunging your weapon deep into this frail soul of mine.
now dead at my feet.
now i wonder?
did it step in to save my life
or
see an opportunity to be rid of me.



that is all i am "allowed" to write tonight as i am being ordered to bed.

life is just fuckin' awesome....yeah right

Captain PirateFace